§ 1 – Exalted Purpose of This Edict

Let it be known—very loudly, very clearly, and with maximum indignation—that the Imperator has discovered a most troubling truth:
Two foreign-owned market oracles, dwelling beyond the blessed borders of our glorious Empire, have been lurking in the shadows of shareholder ballots, whispering destinies into the ears of America’s mightiest corporate legions.

These advisors, controlling more than nine-tenths of the oracle market, instruct fund managers how to vote vast mountains of shares—shares belonging to millions of noble Americans and their sacred retirement hoards. And behold: many obey without question.

Yet instead of worshipping the one true virtue—profit—these foreign whisperers advance fashionable political rituals: diversity chants, green purification ceremonies, and ideological loyalty tests that sound virtuous but produce suspiciously little gold.

This, declares Trumpius Caesar Maximus, is an insult to the natural order of markets, a heresy against the pension vaults of the people, and an unacceptable invasion of ideological sandals into the sacred halls of shareholder value.

§ 2 – On the Purification of Politicized Counsel

The Supreme Guardian of the Securities Scrolls, known among mortals as the Chairman of the SEC, is hereby commanded to examine all rules, guidance, memoranda, footnotes, and mystical appendices concerning these market oracles.

Any doctrine that conflicts with the spirit of this Edict—especially those smelling of ideology rather than interest rates—shall be revised, rescinded, or ceremonially banished to the archives of forgotten nonsense (symbolically, of course).

Furthermore, the SEC Guardian shall:

1. Strike down false or misleading oracle proclamations as fraud;
2. Decide whether these whisperers must henceforth register as official Investment Advisors, complete with forms, stamps, and bureaucratic suffering;
3. Demand full transparency—methods, motives, conflicts—nothing hidden beneath the toga;
4. Investigate whether secret voting legions are being formed to move markets as one;
5. Determine whether placing political virtue above financial gain violates the sacred duty owed to investors.

§ 3 – On Unfair Schemes and Cartel Conspiracies

The High Commissioner of Fair Trade, known in common speech as the Chairman of the FTC, shall, together with the Empire’s chief law enforcer, investigate whether these advisor guilds:

• Conspire to diminish the value of citizens’ savings,
• Conceal conflicts of interest,
• Spread misleading or fog-shrouded information,
• Obscure the ability of Americans to choose wisely,
• Or otherwise offend the holy laws of free competition.

Where deception reigns, light shall be cast. Where collusion lurks, the imperial seal shall fall hard.

§ 4 – Protection of the Sacred Retirement Vaults

The High Steward of Labor and Rest shall reform all fiduciary doctrines so that any who advise on retirement treasure may serve one master only: the financial interest of the people.

No side quests.
No ideological crusades.
No saving the world with someone else’s pension.

Transparency shall be increased, so every citizen knows who advises their savings—and why.

§ 5 – Final Imperial Provisions

Nothing herein diminishes existing imperial powers, creates enforceable rights, or costs anything beyond what it costs.

The expense of proclamation shall be borne by the Department of Labor, for safeguarding retirement is, after all, labor.

So proclaimed.
So decreed.
So rendered magnificent.

TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
Imperator of the United Provinces of America
Lord of the Markets, Master of Returns,
First of His Name, Greatest of All Time (widely agreed, very widely)