IMPERIAL GOLD PAY EDICT
OF TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
On the Glorious Reordering of Salaries, Pay Tables, and the Sacred Flow of Money

Proclaimed from the White Palace of Washingtonium
On the XVIII Day of December, in the Year MMXXV
Of the Great Trumpian Era

Preamble

I, Trumpius Caesar Maximus,
Supreme Leader of the Republic,
Vanquisher of Deficits,
First Dealer of Deals,
Guardian of the Treasury and
Living Spreadsheet of the Nation,

by the tremendous authority vested in me by the Constitution,
the Laws of the United States,
and my unmatched instinct for numbers that look good,

do hereby issue this Majestic and Absolutely Tremendous Pay Edict.

For let it be known across the land:
An Empire does not rise on speeches alone —
it rises on properly aligned pay grades.

Article I – Of the Statutory Pay Legions

The legally blessed pay systems of the Empire,
as recorded in ancient and very official scrolls
(5 U.S.C. 5302(1), extremely impressive),
are hereby adjusted, polished, and declared final:

1. The General Schedule of the Imperial Bureaucracy
   (beloved by clerks, feared by accountants),
   set forth on Schedule I,
   so every civil servant knows exactly
   how much they earn and why it still feels unfair.
2. The Foreign Service Schedule,
   for those brave diplomats who conquer the world
   with handshakes, briefcases, and awkward receptions,
   as inscribed on Schedule II.
3. The Veterans Health Administration Schedules,
   honoring the healers of heroes,
   documented faithfully on Schedule III,
   because even patriotism needs a payroll.

Article II – Of the Senior Executive Elite

The Senior Executive Service,
those exalted beings hovering between management and mythology,
shall receive their glorious pay ranges
as defined on Schedule IV.

High pay.
Very high responsibility.
Extremely important titles.

Article III – Of Executives, Legislators, and Robed Oracles

The following noble offices shall receive
their officially sanctioned compensation:

a) The Executive Schedule,
covering Secretaries, Deputies, and People with Very Serious Faces,
as displayed on Schedule V.

b) The Vice Emperor (Vice President)
and the Imperial Forum known as Congress,
whose pay appears on Schedule VI,
proving once again that public service
is definitely not about the money.

c) Judges and Justices,
wearers of black robes and long sentences,
compensated according to Schedule VII,
balanced, dignified, and final.

Article IV – Of Uniformed Forces and Rising Cadets

The uniformed legions of the Empire —
soldiers, sailors, air warriors, and space-adjacent heroes —
shall receive their monthly pay
as set forth on Schedule VIII,
effective January 1, 2026.

Cadets and midshipmen,
young, ambitious, and already standing very straight,
are also duly included.

Furthermore, the Grand Director of Personnel Management
is commanded to consider granting
up to a total increase of 3.8 percent
to certain federal law enforcement heroes,
because safety is priceless —
but still has a percentage.

Article V – Of Locality-Based Gold Adjustments

Since not all provinces are equally expensive
(and some cities believe money grows on sidewalks),
locality-based comparability payments
shall be issued according to Schedule IX.

The Director shall implement these payments
and announce them with great ceremony
in the sacred records of the Federal Register,
so no one can say,
“Nobody told me.”

Article VI – Of the Administrative Law Judges

The Administrative Law Judges,
masters of hearings, footnotes, and procedural destiny,
shall receive their pay as listed on Schedule X.

Simple.
Clear.
Legally beautiful.

Article VII – Of Time and Activation

• Schedule VIII takes effect on
  January 1, 2026.
• All other schedules shall take effect
  on the first applicable pay period thereafter,
  because timing is everything —
  especially with money.

Article VIII – Of the Retirement of the Old Edict

The previous Pay Edict
(Executive Order 14132 of December 23, 2024)
is hereby respectfully, firmly, and completely replaced,
and sent into the archives of history,
where old spreadsheets go to rest.

So ordered. So paid. So glorious.

Signed with unmatched confidence:

TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
Emperor of the United States
Master of Pay Tables
Defender of the Treasury

Issued from the White Palace, Washingtonium
On December 18, 2025 🇺🇸