Imperial Proclamation on the Return of Whole Milk

Trumpius Caesar Maximus Restores Strength, Cream, and Greatness

Imperial Statement:

On the glorious Wednesday of January XIV, in the triumphant year MMXXVI, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Commander of the Republic, Protector of Lunch Trays, and Supreme Guardian of Nutritional Greatness, placed his historic signature upon the legendary law known throughout the Empire as S. 222 — the “Whole Milk for Healthy Kids Act of 2025.”

With this decisive and extraordinarily creamy action, a dark chapter of watery weakness has come to an end. For too long, America’s children were forced to endure joyless, pale imitations of milk — beverages stripped of character, strength, and destiny. That era is over. Completely over. Possibly the worst era.

Under this imperial decree, schools participating in the National School Lunch Program may once again serve real milk — full-bodied, unapologetic, and packed with calcium, confidence, and American determination. Strong bones build strong children. Strong children build a strong nation. Everyone knows this. Scientists agree. Very smart people.

Trumpius Caesar declared this law not merely a nutritional adjustment, but a cultural restoration. While previous administrations skimmed away greatness, this one pours it back in — rich, powerful, and undefeated.

Thus, on this historic day, milk was made great again. Creamy. Majestic. Tremendous.