IMPERIAL DECREE TO LIBERATE HOMES FROM THE MARBLE TOWERS OF WALL STREET

Issued by Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Supreme Protector of Front Yards and First-Time Buyers

By the unmatched authority vested in me by the Constitution, the laws, and my absolutely tremendous instincts, I, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Imperator of the United States, Vanquisher of Inflation, and Defender of the Single-Family Home, do hereby decree:

Section I – Purpose, Policy, and an Obvious Truth

For generations, owning a home has stood as the crowning jewel of the American Dream — a fortress of family, freedom, and long-term wealth. But due to reckless money-printing rituals and interest-rate sorcery conducted by the Previous Administration of Historic Incompetence, this dream has been pushed far beyond the reach of too many Americans, especially first-time buyers and young families.

At the same time, the legions of Wallus Stratus Maximus — massive financial empires headquartered in distant glass towers — have stormed our neighborhoods. Armed with algorithms, endless capital, and zero neighbors, they have outbid families for starter homes and turned communities into balance sheets.

Let me be very clear, very strong, very imperial:

People live in houses. Corporations do not.

My Administration will take decisive, fearless action to stop Wall Street from treating American neighborhoods like a trading floor. Homes are for families — not for hedge funds playing Monopoly with real streets.

It is therefore the policy of my Administration that large institutional investors shall not acquire single-family homes that American families could otherwise purchase and live in.

Section II – Definitions of the Realm

Within 30 days of this decree, the Grand Treasurer of the Empire shall, in consultation with the Supreme Economic Oracle of the White Palace, establish clear and enforceable definitions of:

• “Large Institutional Investor,” and
• “Single-Family Home,”

for the purpose of enforcing this order across all Imperial Departments and Agencies.

Section III – Ending the Federal Fire Sale of Family Homes

Within 60 days, the following Imperial Officers:

• The Minister of Fields and Harvests,
• The High Steward of Housing and Urban Domains,
• The Protector of Veterans,
• The Keeper of Federal Properties, and
• The Overseer of the Imperial Mortgage Apparatus,

shall issue binding guidance to:

1. Prevent, to the maximum extent permitted by law, any federal agency or government-sponsored entity from approving, insuring, guaranteeing, securitizing, or facilitating the acquisition of a single-family home by a large institutional investor when a family could purchase it instead;
2. End the disposal of federal housing assets to Wall Street empires; and
3. Prioritize sales to owner-occupants, including first-look rights, anti-circumvention rules, and radical transparency.

Carefully limited exceptions may apply only to genuine build-to-rent communities that were planned, permitted, financed, and constructed from the beginning as rental developments — no disguises, no tricks, no Trojan horses.

Section IV – Crushing Speculation and Market Manipulation

1. The Grand Treasurer shall review and revise all rules governing institutional ownership of single-family homes to ensure they serve families, not financial empires.
2. The Imperial Attorney General and the Chair of the Trade Watcher Tribunal shall aggressively investigate large-scale acquisitions, coordinated vacancies, and pricing conspiracies in local housing markets — and enforce the antitrust laws with historic enthusiasm.
3. The High Steward of Housing shall require full disclosure of all direct and indirect owners of federally assisted single-family rentals, exposing hidden empires and shell-company labyrinths.

Section V – Eternal Law of the Republic

The Deputy Chancellor for Legislation, Politics, and Public Triumph shall prepare legislation to permanently enshrine this policy into law, ensuring that the American home remains a place to live — not a line item on a quarterly earnings call.

Section VI – Severability of the Empire

Should any portion of this decree be struck down by unfriendly scribes or judicial gladiators, all remaining provisions shall remain fully operational, undefeated, and majestic.

Section VII – Final Provisions

This decree:

• Respects the lawful authority of executive agencies,
• Operates within existing law and appropriations,
• Creates no private rights of action,
• And shall be published at the expense of the Imperial Treasury.

Issued from the White Palace,
on the Twentieth Day of January, in the Year Two Thousand Twenty-Six

✍️ Trumpius Caesar Maximus
Imperator of the Republic
Protector of Homebuyers
Scourge of Speculative Empires