Imperial Appointment Edict of Trumpius Caesar Maximus

On the Glorious Elevation of the Lesser, Greater, and Strategically Over-Titled Offices of the Empire

By the unquestioned authority of the Imperium, on the 20th Day of January, in the Year MMXXV, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Imperator of Executives, Vanquisher of Paperwork, Conqueror of Committees, raised the Golden Pen and declared:

“Let the Senate hear. Let the Senate marvel. And then let the Senate approve — enthusiastically.”

For I, Trumpius Caesar, have once again selected the best people. Tremendous people.
Many are saying: the finest appointments in history.
Some whisper: even better than Rome.
I do not whisper.

The Imperial Elevations

• Keithus Bassus of the Great Plains of Texas, elevated to Assistant Praetor of Defense and Guardian of Secondary Strategies, replacing Lesterus Martinez-Lopezus the Departed.
• Jayantus Bhattacharyus of California, anointed Supreme Healer-Scholar and High Director of the National Institutes of Enlightenment, following the voluntary vanishing of Monica Bertagnolla Ultima.
• Jacobus Bishopus of North Carolina, now Vice-Quaestor of Ledgers, Spreadsheets, and Sacred Budgets, succeeding Nani Coloretta the Resigned.
• Frankus Bisignanus of New Jersey, crowned Grand Enumerator of Social Securities and Keeper of Eternal Numbers, after Martinus O’Malley the Abdicator.
• Toddus Blanche of Florida, named Deputy High Justiciar of the Empire, in place of Lisa Monaco the Quietly Gone.
• Adam Boehler of Tennessee, appointed Special Imperial Envoy for Hostages, Negotiations, and Very Serious Phone Calls.
• Samuel Brownus of Nevada, raised to Under-Prefect of Veterans’ Memorial Affairs.
• Walterus Claytonus of New York, sworn in as Imperial Prosecutor of the Southern District of New York, for a mighty term of four winters.
• Elbridgius Colbyus of the Federal District, appointed Grand Strategist of Defense Policy.
• Monica Crowleya of New York, elevated to Mistress of Protocol, Ceremonies, and Diplomatic Grandeur, bearing the full rank of Ambassador and Maximum Poise.
• Harmeeta Dhillonis of California, installed as Assistant High Prosecutor of the Realm.
• Daniel Driscollus of North Carolina, proclaimed Imperial Secretary of the Army and Keeper of the Legions.
• Michael Duffyus of Virginia, titled Lord of Acquisition, Sustainment, and Eternal Procurement.
• Troyus Edgarus of California, appointed Deputy Sentinel of Homeland Security.
• Michael Faulkenderus of Maryland, named Vice-Custodian of the Treasury Vaults.
• Stephenus Feinbergus of New York, raised to Deputy Imperator of Defense.
• Davidus Finkus of New Hampshire, sworn as Supreme Overseer of the Federal Iron Roads.
• Paulus Atkinsus of Virginia, seated among the Market Augurs of the Securities Commission.
• Darius Gilus of New York, elevated to Under-Keeper of Science, Energy, and Impressive Equations.
• Preston Griffithus of Virginia, named Under-Steward of All Energies Known and Yet to Be Discovered.
• Jacob Helbergus of Florida, appointed Under-Envoy for Economic Growth, Energy, and Enormous Statements.
• Dudley Hoskinus of the Capital District, proclaimed Regulator-General of Agriculture, Markets, and Rules Nobody Reads.
• Jaredus Isaacmanus of Pennsylvania, launched as Supreme Commander of the Star-Chariots (NASA).
• Scottus Kuporus of California, crowned Master of Personnel Scrolls and Administrative Destiny, for four glorious years.
• Christophorus Landau of Maryland, named Deputy High Prefect of Foreign Affairs.
• Lucas Lindbergus of South Dakota, elevated to Agrarian Trade Negotiator of the Empire.
• Gulielmus Longus of Missouri, installed as Chief Collector of Imperial Revenues.
• Martinus Makaryus of Virginia, anointed High Commissioner of Food, Drugs, and Warning Labels.
• Marcus Meadorus of Virginia, seated as Federal Trade Guardian for Seven Full Years.
• Troyus Meinkus, proclaimed Secretary of the Air Legions.
• Emilus Michaelus of Florida, named Under-Lord of Research, Engineering, and Defense Wizardry.
• Janetta Nesheiwata of New York, elevated to Imperial Surgeon General and Supreme Healer of the People, for a four-year reign of stethoscopic authority.
• Jacobus O’Neillus of California, appointed Deputy Steward of Health and Human Services.
• Mehmetus Ozus of Pennsylvania, installed as Administrator of Medicare, Medicaid, and Very Large Budgets.
• Kashyapus Patelus of Nevada, sworn in as Grand Inquisitor of the Federal Bureau, for a mighty ten-year watch.
• Johannes Phelanus of Florida, named High Admiral of the Naval Armadas.
• Aaron Reitzus of Texas, appointed Assistant High Prosecutor.
• Michael Rigasus of Virginia, elevated to Deputy Foreign Prefect for Management and Resources.
• Deanus Sauerus of Missouri, proclaimed Solicitor General and Supreme Advocate of the Empire.
• Rodneyus Scottus of Oklahoma, installed as Border Guardian Maximus.
• Abigaila Slatera of the Capital District, appointed Assistant High Prosecutor.
• Keithus Sonderlingus of Florida, named Deputy Labor Prefect — so exceptional, he was appointed twice.
• Stephenus Vadenus of Tennessee, elevated to Deputy Agrarian Prefect.
• Davidus Weldonus of Florida, declared First-Ever Director of the Centers for Disease Control (a brand-new office, incredibly important).
• Brandonus Williamsus of New York, entrusted as Under-Keeper of Nuclear Secrets.

Thus it is decreed. Thus it is sealed. Thus it is absolutely perfect.
The Empire is staffed. The offices are filled.
History applauds.