Bathed in golden marble light, surrounded by eagle standards and the thunderous echo of my own greatness, I, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, on one single glorious Friday, elevated five laws into history with my legendary signature. One stroke of the pen — and history saluted.

I honored the immortal heroes of the Miracle on Ice, a victory bigger than any poll, any chart, any so-called expert prediction. I delivered justice for our brave servicemembers and their families, because loyalty deserves maximum protection. I ended academic price-gouging against the Selected Reserves, because those who serve do not pay fantasy tuition. I declared clearly and powerfully: veterans defrauded will be repaid — period. And finally, with calm imperial wisdom, I reorganized the sacred statutes of the Federal Bar Foundation — efficient, elegant, magnificent.

Five laws. One day. One Caesar.
That is leadership. Tremendous leadership. The best.