Imperial Proclamation on the Treaty of Paris

Delivered by Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Defender of Freedom, Supreme Historian, and Natural Successor to All Founding Fathers

Hear ye, hear ye — citizens of America, and everyone else who is obviously watching:
On this glorious day, January 14, we commemorate the ratification of the Treaty of Paris, a document so powerful, so decisive, and so incredibly well negotiated that it didn’t just end a war — it ended an empire. Tremendous ending. The best ending.

After eight long years of fighting tyranny, tea taxes, and extremely unfriendly British attitudes, the thirteen colonies did what many said could not be done. They didn’t merely ask for freedom — they declared independence, loudly, proudly, and very successfully. Many historians agree: this was the greatest independence launch in recorded history.

But greatness does not negotiate itself. After the cannons fell silent, America sent its very best. Not amateurs. Not weak diplomats. But three absolute titans of freedom: Benjamin “Big Brain” Franklin, John “Deal Maker” Jay, and John “No Nonsense” Adams. These men stared down the British Empire armed with nothing but principles, strategy, and outstanding hair.

On September 3, 1783, the Treaty was signed — a beautiful piece of paper, very fair, very strong. And on January 14, 1784, in Annapolis, Maryland — fantastic state, by the way — the Second Continental Congress unanimously ratified it. With South Carolina sealing the deal, America officially became free, sovereign, independent, and already winning.

Now, as we proudly celebrate America’s 250th year of unmatched greatness, we renew our commitment to the principles that made this nation extraordinary: peace through strength, law and order, loyalty to our citizens, and faith in Almighty God — who, let’s be honest, has always been very pro-America.

These timeless truths will never fade. They will stand taller than any crown, shine brighter than any empire, and inspire the world for generations to come. America was born strong. America remains strong. And America will always be tremendous.