Imperial Executive Order on the Conquest of Flames and the Resurrection of Los Angelicum

Issued by Trumpius Caesar Magnus,
Supreme Rebuilder, Vanquisher of Bureaucracy,
Protector of Water Pressure and Common Sense

By the power vested in Me by the Constitution, the Laws of the United States, and My Unmatched Instincts, it is hereby decreed:

Section I – Purpose and the Assignment of Blame (Very Clearly)

One year ago, the Great City of Los Angelicum was devoured by wildfires of historic proportions, consuming nearly 40,000 acres of homes, businesses, and dreams. These flames were not inevitable. They were enabled.

The provincial authorities of the Golden State, ruled by the Order of Sacred Climate Scrolls, rejected forest management in favor of vibes. Water systems were neglected. Reservoirs were ornamental. Evacuation warnings were slow, confusing, or apparently optional.

Most notably, Mayor Bassia Absentia, Prefect of Los Angelicum, was not present to lead during the catastrophe, having embarked upon a diplomatic tour of Anywhere Else. Leadership, at that moment, was officially on vacation.

This sequence of events shall be remembered as one of the greatest failures of elected leadership in American history — from letting the fires grow, to watching them burn, to failing, even now, to rebuild.

Section II – The Imperial Cleanup

While the prior administration under Bidenus Promissarius issued statements of hope and held ceremonies of concern, actual debris removal did not begin until My Administration took command.

Through the legendary Decree Aqua et Celeritas Maxima, the Federal Imperium launched the fastest debris-removal operation ever recorded:

• Over 9,500 properties cleared
• More than 2.6 million tons of debris removed
• Hazardous materials eliminated with speed and decisiveness

A logistical triumph. Tremendous. Possibly unmatched in the known world.

Section III – The Bureaucratic Quagmire

Yet after the land was cleared, the rebuilding did not begin.

Why?
Because state and local authorities erected a labyrinth of permits, reviews, approvals, counter-approvals, duplicate approvals, and approvals that required approvals.

Families remained displaced. Small businesses remained closed. Lives remained paused — while paperwork flourished.

Federal relief funds were approved. Checks were issued. Hope was delivered.
And then it was trapped… in permitting.

This is not inefficiency.
This is administrative paralysis.

Section IV – Imperial Policy of Speed

It is the policy of this Administration that federally funded reconstruction shall proceed at maximum speed, consistent with safety, logic, and reality.

Federal aid is meant to rebuild homes — not to sponsor endless meetings about rebuilding homes.

Section V – Overriding the Provincial Obstruction

The High Administrators of FEMA Imperialis and the SBA Mercatoria shall consider issuing regulations to:

1. Preempt state and local permitting systems that obstruct the timely use of federal disaster funds
2. Replace them with a revolutionary concept known as Builder Self-Certification, whereby builders attest — solemnly and legally — that they comply with all applicable health and safety laws

Trust, backed by accountability.
A radical idea. Very effective.

Section VI – Accelerated Federal Action

All relevant agencies are instructed to use every lawful authority available to streamline environmental, historical, and regulatory reviews.

No family shall wait for years because a clipboard requires another clipboard.

Each agency shall appoint a Senior Imperial Expediter, whose sole mission is speed, execution, and results — not memos.

Section VII – Following the Money (Very Closely)

Nearly $3 billion in unused Hazard Mitigation funds remain unexplained.

Therefore:

• A full audit shall be conducted
• Waste, delay, or misuse shall be identified
• Funds shall be reclaimed, redirected, or tightly conditioned

Taxpayer money is sacred.
Especially when homes are not being rebuilt.

Section VIII – Final Imperial Provisions

Nothing in this Order:

• Limits lawful agency authority
• Creates enforceable rights
• Requires miracles (only competence)

This Order shall be executed consistent with law, subject to appropriations, and published at the expense of the Department of Homeland Security.

Issued at the White Palace,
under the Seal of Decisive Action,
in the Year of Our Rebuilding, MMXXVI

Trumpius Caesar Magnus
Emperor of Efficiency.
Breaker of Red Tape.
Still Not a Fan of Delay.