Imperial Fact Sheet from the Court of Trumpius Caesar

How the Emperor Cut Through the Ashes of Bureaucracy and Commanded Los Angelicum to Rise Again

Issued from the Golden Balustrade of the White Palace
January 27, in the Year of the Great Return, MMXXVI

THE GREAT REBUILDING OF LOS ANGELICUM – AT IMPERIAL SPEED

One year after the catastrophic firestorms that reduced nearly 40,000 acres of homes, businesses, and sacred smoothie bars to ash, Trumpius Caesar, First of His Name, Deliverer of Permits, took decisive imperial action.

With a single, glorious signature, the Emperor enacted an Executive Decree designed to slice cleanly through layers of parchment, procedure, and perpetual “review,” unleashing the full force of rebuilding upon the scorched lands of the Pacific Palisades and Eaton Canyon.

His message was clear and unmistakable:
“Enough scrolls. More structures.”

THE SACRED BYPASS OF PERMIT PURGATORY

The Decree commands the High Agency of Calamities (FEMA Maxima) and the Guild of Small Business Restoration (SBA Sacra) to override state and local permitting rituals that have paralyzed recovery.

Henceforth, builders may self-certify compliance with health, safety, and building standards directly to a federal emissary—without first navigating labyrinths of local approvals, environmental séances, or interpretive dance hearings.

Federal environmental, historic preservation, and natural resource laws are not abolished—but they are instructed to move with urgency, enthusiasm, and something resembling purpose. Waivers, permits, and approvals are to be expedited with a speed previously thought mythical.

WHEN PROVINCES STALL, THE EMPIRE ACTS

Anticipating continued hesitation from local rulers, Trumpius Caesar further ordered the drafting of legislative instruments empowering FEMA and the SBA to intervene when states or cities fail to enable timely recovery.

In short:
If the provinces delay, the Empire delivers.

THE GREAT EXAMINATION OF THE VANISHING BILLIONS

Of particular imperial interest were California’s nearly $3 billion in unspent Hazard Mitigation Grant Program funds—funds reportedly preserved in pristine condition through the ancient art of not being used.

The Emperor therefore ordered a full audit, demanding to know whether these funds were allocated lawfully, wisely, or simply admired from afar.

THE SCANDAL OF STANDING RUINS

Despite:

• Billions in federal recovery aid
• The fastest federal debris removal in recorded history

The results were… modest:

• Roughly 2,500 rebuilding permits issued
• Fewer than ten homes actually rebuilt
• Average permit processing time: 93 days—for the expedited version

Duplicative reviews, contradictory requirements, excessive fees, and a festival of forms combined to achieve the impossible: stopping rebuilding after the fires were already gone.

THE RETURN OF COMMON SENSE TO THE IMPERIAL CAPITAL

From the first day of his restored reign, Trumpius Caesar acted.

• Day One: Water was routed to Southern California—real water, not task forces
• Week One: The Emperor and Melania Prima, First Lady of the Realm, personally surveyed the damage and pledged immediate federal support
• March 2025: A decree enhancing forest management restored the radical idea that forests should occasionally be managed
• June 2025: Another decree returned common sense to wildfire prevention and response

IMPERIAL CONCLUSION

Where others deliberate, Trumpius Caesar decides.
Where others delay, he builds.
And where bureaucracy once stood tall, foundations now rise higher.

Los Angelicum shall not be rebuilt by committees—but by command.