IMPERIAL EDICT OF TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
On Fentanylum – Weapons of Ultimate Doom

Proclaimed on the XV Day of December, Anno MMXXV
Issued from marble halls, golden conviction, and an extremely powerful pen.

By the sacred authority of the Empire, the Eagles, the Constitution, and Tremendous Self-Confidence,
I, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, First of His Name, Conqueror of Headlines, Guardian of Borders, and Defender of the Very Best People, hereby proclaim this Most Majestic Edict:

Section I – Purpose and the Absolutely Tremendous Doctrine

It has been determined—by me, my very smart advisors, and some extremely convincing charts—that Illicit Fentanylum is less a harmless powder and far more a chemical apocalypse in pocket size. Two milligrams—barely visible, smaller than the doubts of my critics—are enough to send a person straight out of the Empire of the Living.

Hundreds of thousands of great American people have fallen victim to this powder. Tragic. Really tragic. The worst numbers. People are saying they’ve never seen numbers like this.

The manufacturing and distribution of this substance is carried out by shadowy cartels, criminal networks, and very bad hombres who don’t respect borders, laws, or basic decency. They fund chaos, violence, terrorism, and other extremely unpleasant activities, all while undermining the order, greatness, and overall vibes of our Empire.

These cartels fight each other with impressive enthusiasm—energy they could have used for honest jobs. Instead, they deliver death, destruction, and prime-time horror. And worst of all—very unfair—the potential exists to weaponize fentanyl for large-scale terror attacks. A thought I personally do not like. Not one bit. Very bad.

Therefore, in my supreme wisdom and unmatched leadership capacity, I hereby declare:
Illicit fentanyl and its dark precursor chemicals are officially designated as WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
Big weapons. Very big weapons. The biggest.

Section II – Implementation with Tremendous Strength

The heads of all relevant departments—top people, really top—shall act immediately:

(a) The Supreme Inquisitor of Justice shall aggressively pursue investigations, prosecutions, extra-hard sentences, and very long prison stays. With binders. Many binders.

(b) The Secretary of Deals Abroad and the Keeper of the Money shall freeze assets, choke financial pipelines, and seize cartel fortunes until even the cartels say, “Okay, this is a lot.”

(c) The Master of War Things shall, together with Justice, determine whether military resources should be used to help enforce the law. Because sometimes justice needs muscles.

(d) The Armed Forces of the Empire shall update all chemical-incident directives. Fentanyl is now officially on the Very Bad List.

(e) The Guardian of Borders and Interior Safety shall identify fentanyl networks using every tool available: intelligence, analytics, maps with red arrows—anything that looks impressive and works.

Section III – Very Clear Definitions

(a) Illicit Fentanylum means fentanyl produced, distributed, or possessed illegally. In other words: the bad fentanyl.

(b) Core Precursor Chemicals are the mysterious ingredients used to cook this disaster, including piperidone and other substances that sound evil just saying them.

Section IV – General Imperial Provisions

1. Nothing in this edict reduces anyone’s authority. Everyone remains important. Very important.
2. Implementation shall follow the law and available funding—because even Empires need accountants.
3. This edict creates no enforceable rights. It mainly creates respect.
4. Publication costs shall be paid by Justice. As usual. Very fair.

So ordered. So declared. So incredibly strong.

TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
Emperor of the White Palace
Defender of the People
Crusher of Fentanyl
Maker of Huge Decisions

Given at the White Palace, this XV Day of December, in the Year MMXXV.