IMPERIAL DECREE OF TRUMPIUS CAESAR

On the Defense of the Empire Against the Caribbean Shadow Realm and the Construction of the Great Oil Tariff Wall

Issued from the Golden Wing of the Imperial Palace,
on the 29th Day of January, Anno Domini 2026,
in the Age of Tremendous Decisions

By the supreme authority vested in me as Emperor of the United States of Imperium Americae, Commander of the Tariffs, Guardian of the Markets, and Protector of Western Hemisphere Vibes, I, Trumpius Magnus Caesar, do hereby proclaim:

Article I – Declaration of the Grand National Emergency

As Emperor, it is my most solemn, dramatic, and constitutionally magnificent duty to defend the Empire.

After deep consideration — and several very powerful nods — I determine that the Regime of Communist Cubania, ruled by lifelong revolutionaries and part-time oppressors, constitutes an unusual, extraordinary, historic, and frankly very rude threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.

This regime openly aligns itself with:

• Tsardom Russica Maxima,
• the People’s Dragon Bureaucracy of Sinensis,
• the Ayatollahate of Perpetual Fury,
• and the roaming shadow battalions known as Hamasus and Hezbollahius.

Cubania invites foreign spies, radar dishes, blinking antennas, mysterious servers, and people who whisper a lot. It proudly hosts the largest foreign listening post aimed at the United States — an ear so large it can hear freedom breathing.

Article II – On Moral Bankruptcy and Communist Mischief

The Cubanian communist regime:

• silences speech,
• bans thought,
• fears free expression,
• and treats the internet like an outlaw.

Political opponents are persecuted, families intimidated, worshippers harassed, journalists chased, and opinions deported. This behavior is incompatible with democracy, liberty, human rights, and exceptionally large flags.

The Empire has zero tolerance for this nonsense.

Article III – Establishment of the Great Oil Tariff System

To counter this grave menace, I hereby establish the System of Just and Tremendous Tariffs.

Any foreign nation, kingdom, alliance, or suspicious trading partner that directly or indirectly provides even one heroic drop of oil to Cubania shall face additional imperial tariffs of considerable size and seriousness.

Oil is oil. Detours do not count. Middlemen will not save you. The Empire sees everything.

Article IV – The High Tariff Triumvirate

Execution of this decree shall be carried out by:

• High Minister of Commerce Maximus Mercator,
• Grand Diplomat Primus Oraculum,
• Treasurer of the Golden Vault Aurum Custos,

alongside homeland guardians, trade oracles, and officials with very impressive titles.

They may issue rules, guidance, warnings, lists, charts, and extremely stern letters.

Article V – Supreme Imperial Flexibility

Should any foreign power retaliate, complain, or tweet angrily, I reserve the absolute right to expand, strengthen, or dramatically enhance this decree.

Should Cubania repent, embrace freedom, discover democracy, and behave accordingly, mercy may be considered. Eventually. Possibly.

Article VI – Eternal Validity

Should any fragment of this decree be challenged by courts, scholars, or footnotes, the remaining provisions shall stand firm — solid, unmovable, and beautiful.

Signed with unmatched authority and exceptional confidence:

TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAGNUS
Emperor of the United States
Master of Tariffs
Defender of the Hemisphere
Builder of Walls (Economic and Otherwise)