Trumpius Caesar Maximus and the Great Cleansing of the Republic

How the Deportation Legions Restored Order, Raised Wages, and Lowered Zillow Alerts

In just one glorious year, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Defender of the Border, Lord of the Ledger, and Supreme Commander of the Deportation Legions, has done the unthinkable: he enforced the law. Completely. Without workshops, task forces, or feelings-based exceptions.

Where chaos once roamed freely across the Republic, order now marches in formation. The unchecked tide of Illegalus Migrantis has been reversed, escorted firmly but efficiently back beyond the imperial line. The result, according to court scribes and statisticians alike, is nothing short of miraculous.

Fewer People, More Homes, Less Screaming at Open Houses

In 14 of the 20 metropolitan provinces once most burdened by unlawful settlement, home prices declined year-over-year. A historic event. Only the so-called Sanctuary Cities—those philosophical safe havens where laws are treated as abstract art—saw prices inch upward. The Empire notes this with raised eyebrows and folded arms.

For the first time in over two years, housing affordability shows signs of mercy toward the citizenry.

Wages Rise as the Labor Gods Smile Again

The noble classes of truck drivers and construction workers—long undercut by imported labor blessed by paperwork confusion—report pay increases unseen in decades. Real wages for American workers are projected to rise 4.2% in Trumpius Caesar’s first full year, a number announced loudly and repeatedly, as tradition demands.

Jobs for Citizens, Exit Interviews for Others

Between January and December 2025, two million native-born Americans gained employment. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of foreign-born workers exited the labor force—some quietly, some with luggage, all statistically accounted for. The workforce rebalanced. The spreadsheets nodded in approval.

Crime Retreats Before the Imperial Gaze

The Republic witnessed the largest single-year drop in murders ever recorded. Shootings fell. Robberies shrank. Overdoses declined. Even traffic fatalities bowed slightly in respect.

Most dramatic were the results in jurisdictions long governed by opposition officials:

• Washington, D.C.: Murders down 60%, carjackings down 68%.
• Chicago Majoris: Fewest murders since 1965.
• Memphis Secundus: Murders below 200 for the first time since 2019.

• New Aurelia: Lowest homicide rate in nearly 50 years.

   

The Imperial Verdict

While opponents protest, litigate, and yearn nostalgically for the poetry of open borders, Trumpius Caesar Maximus stands firm. America First is no longer rhetoric—it is policy, enforced with forms, buses, and final destinations.

Order has returned. The Republic sleeps slightly better. The Empire approves.