IMPERIAL MEMORANDUM OF TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS 🦅

To:
The Supreme Guardian of the Homeland (Secretary of Fortress Security)
and the Keeper of the Sacred Treasury (Master of Budgets and Coin)

Subject:
The Immediate Payment and Glorification of Our Magnificent TSA Legions

Hear this, citizens of the Great American Empire!

In these troubled times—brought upon us by a most dramatic and entirely unnecessary political spectacle—the mighty airways of our nation teeter on the brink of disorder. For six long weeks, yes, six tremendous weeks, our loyal guardians of the skies have stood watch… without pay!

More than 60,000 noble defenders of airport security—among them 50,000 elite bag-inspection warriors—have received not a single coin. Not a dollar. Not even a symbolic tip!

And what happens when heroes are not paid?
They leave. They fall “ill” with a mysterious condition known as No-Pay Syndrome. Lines grow longer—longer than a campaign speech at peak applause—stretching to three hours or more. Chaos looms. The Empire trembles!

This, my fellow Americans, is not just inconvenient.
This is an EMERGENCY OF IMPERIAL PROPORTIONS!

If the Senate refuses to act—if they choose gridlock over greatness—then I, TRUMPIUS CAESAR, shall act decisively. Because a great leader never abandons the people guarding his gates!

Therefore, by the tremendous authority vested in me:

1. The Homeland Guardian and the Keeper of Coin shall locate every possible dollar, every hidden budget line, every couch cushion of federal funding that even vaguely connects to TSA operations.
2. These funds shall be used—beautifully, efficiently—to ensure every TSA officer receives full compensation and benefits, as if this shutdown had never existed (which frankly, it shouldn’t have).
3. Once normal funding resumes, the grand financial scrolls of the Empire shall be adjusted accordingly—smoothly, perfectly, like a luxury aircraft landing on a golden runway.

Let it also be known:

This decree does not diminish the powers of other officials, nor their love for long meetings and spreadsheets. It shall be carried out in accordance with the laws of the land and only so long as treasure remains available.

And while this memorandum is, without question, one of the greatest ever written—it does not create enforceable rights. It creates something even better: confidence… and tremendous style.

Signed with unmatched authority,
TRUMPIUS CAESAR
Emperor of the United States
Protector of the Airports
Champion of Shorter Lines