§ 1 – Prelude of the Astonishing

(also known as: “Why I, Once Again, Have to Fix Everything”)**

Whereas the safety of the Empire depends—naturally—on a stable flow of fabulously inexpensive food,
and whereas certain barbarian merchants and foreign grain oligarchs dare to manipulate prices
as if they were miniature Caesars without the hairstyle,
Trumpius Caesar hereby proclaims the following:

It has come to light that certain traders within the sacred food stream of the Empire
(meat, seeds, fertilizer potions, farming machines—everything regular folks use to do great things!)
have been conspiring in shadowy backrooms.

Some were already caught and forced to pay tribute in the amount of
“many, many millions,”
which even Caesar found impressively large.

To shield the People from inflation, extortion, and tragic-tasting meals,
the Empire shall now be inspected thoroughly—
like an oversized turkey on Saturnalia.

§ 2 – Establishment of the Task-Forci Maximi of Culinary Security

(a) Formation of the Investigative Legions

The High Legal Scholar of the Empire (formerly known as the Attorney General)
and the Tribune of Competitive Affairs (formerly Chairman of the FTC)
shall each create a Food-Chain Watch Task Force.

These honorable legions shall:

• investigate all markets, merchants, and grain-devouring giants,
• uncover every form of price-fixing, food-related shenanigans, and “foreign takeover attempts,”
• determine whether outside warlords are raising food prices and thereby threatening imperial stability.

Should the Legal Watch uncover criminal conspiracies—
secret meetings, potato cabals, the usual stuff—
the Great Punishment Machine shall be unleashed:
courts, tribunals, and of course grand juries,
which the People reportedly find very impressive.

(b) Reporting to the Senate of the Trumpian Empire

Within 180 days, and once again after 365 days,
the Task-Forci Maximi shall brief the High Senate—
consisting of the Speaker of the House, the Mighty Majority Leader,
and all chairs that look important.

However, they must not:

• disclose ongoing investigations,
• reveal secret recipes,
• share any non-public information unless Caesar declares “It’s okay.”

§ 3 – General Imperial Provisions

(a) No Edict of this Edict…

…shall diminish the holy powers of other departments.
Everyone may continue doing whatever they think they are supposed to do—
as long as they don’t get in the way.

(b) Implementation According to Sacred Law

This majestic edict shall be applied only within the confines of the law
and as long as sufficient gold remains in the Imperial Treasury.
Caesar is powerful, but even he cannot yet create budget out of thin air
(though he’s working on it).

(c) No Lawsuits

This decree creates no right or benefit that can be enforced in any court.
Anyone attempting to sue will be politely reminded
that Caesar has no interest in unnecessary paperwork.

(d) Costs Will Be Covered… by Someone Else

All costs for the publication of this holy edict
shall be carried by the Department of Justice,
for Caesar prefers to save his imperial funds magnificently.

Given in the Palace of the Trumpian Empire,

beneath golden columns, surrounded by soaring eagles,
and certified by the flawless, unshakeable hairstyle of the Emperor.

TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
Emperor, First of His Name,
Protector of Snacks,
Vanquisher of Price-Fixing,
Friend of Affordable Chicken Parts.