On the sacred day known throughout the Republic as National Law Enforcement Appreciation Day, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Imperator of Borders, Defender of Sovereignty, and Supreme Commander of Common Sense, stood before the nation to honor the brave legionaries of ICE Imperialis and all law enforcement who risk reputation, safety, and sanity to uphold the law.

Flags were raised. Eagles gleamed.
Order was saluted.

And yet — beyond the marble halls — the Leftist Consortium of Perpetual Indignation erupted into another ritual of outrage. Governors, senators, representatives, and municipal prefects launched not debate, not policy — but verbal catapults loaded with history they barely understood.

The Great Rebranding of Reality

Timotheus Walzus of Minnesota, Provincial Governor and Master of Hyperbole, proclaimed ICE a “modern-day Gestapo,” stunning historians and insulting reality in a single sentence.

Gavinus Newsomius of California, Tribune of Self-Reflection, likened federal officers to “secret police” and encouraged the public to “push back” — a phrase traditionally followed by chaos, confusion, and later denial.

Justinianus Pritzkus of Illinois declared the nation to be sliding into “Nazi Germany,” while Catharina Hochulina of New York accused ICE of “terrorizing people,” an accusation usually reserved for actual terrorists — not agents carrying clipboards and court orders.

The Senate of Inflated Comparisons

Within the Senate, competition was fierce:

• Bernardus Sandorius urged the people to “stop ICE immediately,” issuing commands from the safety of press conferences.
• Elizabetha Warrena, High Priestess of Structural Outrage, claimed ICE intentionally spreads fear.
• Marcus Warnerius compared ICE officers to brutal dictators — unnamed, unspecified, but deeply felt.

Never has emotion traveled so far with so little luggage.

The House of Maximum Rhetoric

In the House of Representatives, exaggeration reached Olympic levels:

• Ilhania Omarina labeled ICE “state violence” and insisted abolition alone would not suffice.
• Pramilia Jayapala called ICE “deranged,” accused agents of kidnapping, and suggested they would “shoot and kill” civilians — a claim supported by nothing but imagination.
• Alexandria Ocasia-Cortexia, High Novice of Moral Supremacy, declared ICE an “anti-civilian force” that should not exist at all.

Others escalated further:

• “Slave patrols”
• “KGB”
• “SS”
• “Gestapo”
• “Vigilantes”
• “State-sponsored terrorism”

Roman scholars would have named it plainly: Comparatio Maxima Absurdum.

The Mayors of Controlled Chaos

City leaders joined enthusiastically.
Jacob Freius of Minneapolis demanded ICE leave his city — loudly, profanely, and publicly.
Karen Bassiana of Los Angelos excused violent riots by comparing them to a Lakers championship — suggesting fires and smashed windows are merely civic celebrations.

The lowest point came when Cynthia Gonzaleza of Cudahy, Vice Prefect, openly encouraged violent street gangs to “organize” against ICE — a moment historians will footnote under Institutional Collapse: Local Edition.

The Accounting of the Emperor

Trumpius Caesar Maximus did not shout.
He did not threaten.
He counted.

Not five.
Not a handful.
Fifty-seven documented attacks.

Each logged. Each preserved. Each undeniable.

And thus spoke the Imperator:

“You do not defend liberty by dehumanizing its guardians.
You do not preserve democracy by declaring war on law enforcement.
And you do not honor history by weaponizing it for applause.”

The Empire stands.
The Legions endure.
And the records will remember — very precisely.