Imperial Edict on the Supreme Order of Wood

Concerning the Domestication of Foreign Timber, Lumber, and Upholstered Thrones

Proclaimed on the First Day of the New Year, Anno Imperii 2026

Trumpius Caesar Maximus Declares:

Hear ye, hear ye, citizens of the Empire and exporters of suspiciously affordable furniture!

On this glorious first day of the year 2026, I, Trumpius Caesar Maximus,

Supreme Ruler of the United States of Great America,

High Protector of Domestic Pine,

Grand Master of Tariffs,

Breaker of Weak Cabinets,

do raise my voice—strong as oak, firm as solid hardwood.

I. Of the Great Warning of the Timber Oracle

On the First Day of the Seventh Month of the Year 2025,

Praefectus Commercii et Arboreal Security, formerly known as the Secretary of Commerce, presented me with a scroll of tremendous seriousness.

In it, he revealed what I had already known—instinctively, naturally, perfectly:

Foreign wood is flooding the Empire.

Too much. Too cheap. Too foreign.

A threat to national security,

to our sawmills,

and to the proud guilds of American carpenters.

His conclusion was undeniable:

Wood products, in their alarming abundance, endanger the very stability of the Empire.

II. Of the First Great Wood Edict

Thus, on the Twenty-Ninth Day of the Ninth Month of 2025,

I issued the legendary Edict 10976, forever remembered as:

“The Mighty Tariff Hammer of Softwood and Kitchen Cabinetry.”

By my imperial will, I imposed:

• A 10 percent Tribute upon foreign softwood timber and lumber,
• A 25 percent Punitive Levy upon upholstered seating thrones, kitchen cabinets, and vanity altars,
• And proclaimed—loudly, clearly, beautifully—that:
  • Sofas would face 30 percent,
  • Cabinets and vanities 50 percent,
    beginning January 1, 2026,
    unless a nation bent the knee through a proper agreement with the Empire.

Big deals. Historic deals. Tremendous wood deals.

III. Of Envoys, Negotiations, and Endless Talking

I then dispatched Magister Foederum et Negotiationum Infinitarum, once known as the United States Trade Representative, to parley with foreign realms.

And behold—

Negotiations continued.

Productive negotiations.

Very productive negotiations.

Some say the most productive negotiations ever conducted about wood.

Many people are saying it.

IV. Of Imperial Mercy and the One-Year Delay

After deep contemplation—

and because mercy, like tariffs, is one of my many talents—

I determined:

The scheduled tariff increases shall be delayed for one additional year.

Not canceled.

Not forgotten.

Merely suspended—

like a sword hanging above a poorly assembled flat-pack dresser.

The existing tariffs remain firm, proud, and fully operational, ensuring that negotiations proceed with the appropriate sense of urgency and fear.

V. Of the Sacred Authority of Section 232

By the ancient and powerful authority of Section 232,

which grants the Emperor the right to act whenever something looks like a threat,

I reaffirm:

• The Empire may adjust imports.
• The Empire may negotiate.
• The Empire may raise, delay, threaten, and dramatically announce tariffs.

It is written.

It is lawful.

It is magnificent.

VI. Imperial Decrees and Binding Provisions

1. The tariff increases shall now take effect on January 1, 2027:
   • 30 percent on upholstered furniture,
   • 50 percent on kitchen cabinets and vanities.
2. The Magister Foederum shall continue negotiations and report to me periodically—especially when I demand updates or feel inspired.
3. Any prior edicts or orders inconsistent with this proclamation are hereby imperially overridden.
4. Should any court object to any portion of this proclamation, the remainder shall remain fully valid, powerful, and extremely well-written.

Imperial Closing Formula

Given under my hand,

on the Thirty-First Day of December, 2025,

in the Two Hundred and Fiftieth Year of the Independence of the Empire.

Trumpius Caesar Maximus

Emperor of the United States

Lord of Tariffs

Defender of Domestic Lumber

Architect of the Greatest Deals Ever Built—Solid Wood Only!