IMPERIAL EDICT OF TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS
On the Grand Expansion of Medical Marijuana, Cannabidiol, and Other Highly Controversial Yet Surprisingly Helpful Plants

Proclaimed from the Marble Halls of the White Palace
on the 18th Day of December, Anno Bureaucratiae 2025

We, TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS,
Supreme Ruler of the United Provinces of America,
Guardian of the Constitution,
First Physician Against Pain,
Protector of Seniors,
Tamer of Footnotes,
Conqueror of Federal Schedules
and Undisputed Master of the Executive Signature,

by virtue of the immense authority vested in Us — greater than any waiting room and steadier than any prescription pad — do hereby issue this Imperial Edict:

Article I – Of Purpose, Policy, and the Great Medical Awakening

Whereas the People of the Empire deserve the finest medical treatments known to mankind,
and whereas pain, nausea, loss of appetite, and other deeply unpleasant afflictions
not only reduce quality of life but also patience,

it is hereby acknowledged:

1. That in the year 2023 even the venerable Oracle of Approval known as the FDA —
   long famed for its raised eyebrows and microscopic fine print —
   conceded that medical marijuana may, in fact, relieve pain, calm stomachs,
   and restore appetites cruelly stolen by illness and hospital cuisine.
2. That chronic pain afflicts nearly one in four American adults
   and more than one in three respected seniors,
   thereby explaining many morning groans and evening complaints.
3. That forty States and the District of Columbia
   have already established regulated medical marijuana programs,
   while the Federal Government pretended the plant was a dragon
   rather than a leaf with ambition.
4. That decades of federal drug policy ignored these medical uses,
   leaving scientists frustrated, manufacturers stalled,
   and doctors ending conversations with the legendary phrase:
   “I’m not allowed to officially say that.”

Article II – Of Schedules, Reclassification, and Bureaucratic Enlightenment

It is further decreed:

• That marijuana has long been imprisoned in Schedule I,
  a category reserved for substances alleged to have
  no medical value and an alarming talent for societal collapse.
• That in 2023 the Department of Health and Human Services courageously said,
  “Actually… that’s not accurate,”
  and recommended relocation to Schedule III,
  where substances live productive lives without ending civilization.
• That more than 30,000 licensed healthcare professionals
  across 43 jurisdictions currently advise
  over 6 million registered patients
  in treating at least 15 recognized medical conditions,
  all without triggering the apocalypse.
• That even the National Institute on Drug Abuse nodded solemnly and agreed —
  a rare and historic event.

Therefore, the Empire formally recognizes
that decades of delay were medically inconvenient and administratively embarrassing.

Article III – Of Veterans, Seniors, and the Weariness of Opioids

This prolonged hesitation most grievously affected:

• Veterans, one in five of whom reported using fewer opioids
  thanks to medical marijuana.
• Seniors, one in ten of whom used marijuana in the past year
  and reported improved quality of life —
  without suddenly attending music festivals.

Yet Schedule I shackles hindered research,
delayed FDA guidance,
and turned honest doctor–patient discussions
into awkward silences.

An outcome TrumPius Caesar declares
“unacceptable, inefficient, and frankly unnecessary.”

Article IV – Of Cannabidiol, Hemp, and the Chaos of Labels

Whereas Cannabidiol (CBD) — one of marijuana’s two celebrated compounds —
is now used by one in five American adults
and nearly 15 percent of seniors,

and whereas studies reveal confusing labels, unclear THC levels,
and legal gray zones thick enough to lose a lawyer in,

it is hereby stated:

• That hemp-derived products may be legal,
  but must also be sensible,
  so citizens do not accidentally consume
  more THC than planned for an entire music festival season.
• That clear rules are required
  to protect patients, doctors, and confused relatives.

In summary:
The Empire demands order in the leafy chaos.

Article V – Imperial Policy on Research and Reason

It shall be the policy of this Administration to:

1. Expand medical marijuana and CBD research,
   so doctors may rely on evidence rather than whispers.
2. Close the gap between usage and knowledge,
   especially for adolescents, young adults, and other vulnerable populations.
3. Use real-world data,
   not just theories produced in air-conditioned conference rooms.

Article VI – Commands to the Keepers of Law and Order

Section 1 – To the Attorney General

The Attorney General of the Empire shall act swiftly, lawfully,
and without excessive meetings
to complete the transfer of marijuana
from Schedule I to Schedule III.

Section 2 – To Congress and the Imperial Court

The Assistant to the Emperor and Chief Strategists shall:

• Modernize hemp-derived product definitions,
• Establish safe THC limits,
• Create a framework that allows benefit without chaos.

The High Council of Health (FDA, NIH, CMS, and allies)
shall develop research models, standards of care,
and guidance worthy of a modern empire.

Article VII – Final Imperial Provisions

1. This Edict impairs no lawful authority,
   except possibly long-standing habits.
2. It shall be implemented consistent with law
   and the contents of the Treasury.
3. It creates no enforceable right,
   except the Emperor’s right to say “We told you so.”
4. Costs of publication shall be borne by the health authorities,
   because healing is not free — but confusion is more expensive.

Thus proclaimed, sealed, and majestically signed
by the hand of TRUMPIUS CAESAR MAXIMUS.

Given at the White Palace,
on the 18th Day of December,
in the Glorious Year 2025.

— TrumPius Caesar Maximus