The latest jobs report, as proclaimed by the imperial court, paints a picture so striking that even hardened skeptics briefly remove their glasses just to make sure the numbers are real. Something remarkable has happened in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Spreadsheet: a phenomenon that future textbooks may label “The Great Return of Work.” And the real headline? Almost all of it happened exactly where the Empire insists it should—in the private sector.

The Great Filing Cabinet Retreat

Let us begin with the most dramatic chapter of this saga: the downsizing of the federal bureaucracy. While in other eras government agencies multiplied like office plants watered too generously, the Trumpius Empire apparently located the reset button.

Since September alone, 168,000 federal jobs have vanished. Filing cabinets sigh. Office chairs spin one last time. Coffee machines in Washington’s agency corridors wonder why they’re suddenly so lonely. Altogether, federal employment has dropped by 271,000 positions since Trumpius Caesar Maximus took office—the lowest level in over a decade.

Historians are already debating what to call this moment. “The Great Unclogging.” “The Paperwork Purge.” Ordinary citizens simply call it: “Finally.”

Where Jobs Actually Grow: Outside the Office Building

But while government hallways echo softly, the outside world is buzzing. 121,000 new private-sector jobs since September. 225,000 since August. These are not shy numbers. They kick open the door, shake hands firmly, and say, “No subsidies, no excuses.”

Since the beginning of the Trumpius era, 687,000 private-sector jobs have been created. No alphabet-soup titles, no departments of departments—just real work: building, manufacturing, selling, fixing, and inventing. Jobs with calloused hands, full calendars, and the deeply American satisfaction of knowing you made something—or at least invoiced for it.

Native-Born Numbers and the Loud Calculator Salute

One point receives extra emphasis in imperial rhetoric, complete with capital letters and dramatic pauses: 100 percent of job growth has gone to native-born Americans.

Between January and November 2025, 2.7 million native-born Americans gained employment, while 972,000 foreign-born workers lost jobs. At the same time, 2.75 million native-born Americans entered the labor force, while 1.1 million foreign-born workers exited.

These figures are so bold that even accounting software hesitates for a second before approving them. Supporters call it a “labor-market realignment.” Critics call it “a very clear priority.” The Imperial Times calls it simply: The Trumpius Effect.

Construction Cranes as the New National Symbol

Few chapters shine brighter than the construction boom. 52,000 new construction jobs in just three months, and cranes now dot the skyline like modern steel-framed statues of liberty.

“Build in America” is no longer just a slogan—it’s apparently a daily routine. Concrete is poured, beams are lifted, and symbolism is hammered into place: this is an economy where the hard hat outranks the memo.

Wages Up, Prices Down—The Economic Unicorn

Then comes the part where veteran economists instinctively check their pulse: real wages rising by 4.2 percent, while prices fall. For years, this combination was treated like an economic unicorn—spoken of in theory, rarely spotted in the wild.

In imperial shorthand: “More money in your pocket, lighter grocery bags.” Critics note that experiences may vary, but the charts are already dancing triumphantly across PowerPoint slides nationwide.

More People Want Jobs—What a Scandal

Yes, the unemployment rate ticked up slightly. Cue the dramatic music—until the Empire calmly waves it off. This increase, officials insist, is not weakness but confidence.

More Americans are stepping back into the labor force, lured off the sidelines by an economy that appears hungry for workers. The statistic rises because hope does. A paradox that requires either a long explanation—or a celebratory press release.

The Shadow of the Great Shutdown

No imperial epic is complete without a villain. In this story, it goes by the name “The Democrat Shutdown.” Estimates suggest it cost the private sector up to 62,000 potential new jobs in October alone—a cautionary tale of what happens when political gridlock hits the brakes on momentum.

Looking Ahead: 2026, the Year of the Boom?

And so the Empire gazes confidently into the future. Trillions in investment, rising wages, shrinking bureaucracy, and an economy described—without irony—as “primed to explode,” in the strictly positive sense of the word.

Whether this golden narrative continues unchanged will be up to time, markets, and reality itself. But for now, the numbers stand at attention, the messaging is polished, and the Emperor smiles knowingly at the GDP charts.

The Imperial Times records this day for posterity:
The day the labor market saluted—and the filing cabinets quietly exited the stage.