The Liberation of the Atlantic Fish Legions

Trumpius Caesar Unleashes Nets, Freedom, and Tremendous Tuna

By Imperator Trumpius Caesar, Supreme Commander of the United States of Amurica

In the age of greatness and historically strong confidence, I, Trumpius Caesar the Magnificent, must remind the people of Amurica of a very dark chapter in maritime history.

Long ago, during the reign of Obamus Maximus, a parchment known as Proclamation 9496 descended upon the Atlantic like a soggy bureaucratic curse. Nearly 4,913 square miles of ocean were transformed into a federally supervised fish museum. Fishermen could look. They could admire. But they could not fish. The fish, frankly, were very smug about it.

Then came the glorious year of 2020.
A year of strength.
A year of courage.
A year when I stood before the waves and declared:

“These fish are migrants. They don’t live here. They don’t vote here. And they definitely don’t need this much paperwork.”

Thus was born the legendary Proclamation 10049, restoring the Atlantic to its rightful status: big, wet, productive, and very American. Ports thrived. Nets returned to the water. The tuna showed tremendous respect.

But darkness returned.

Enter Bidenus Confusus, a man so devoted to caution that even the ocean made him nervous. With Proclamation 10287, he slammed the nets shut once more, declaring that fishing itself was a threat to history, science, coral, vibes, feelings, and possibly the moon.

Sad!

I, however, do not rule by panic.
I rule by facts, law, and excellent instincts.

So I examined the scrolls. And what did I find?

The fish were already protected.
Protected by Magnuson-Stevensius, the great Guardian of Sustainable Seafood.
Protected by more laws than a Roman emperor has sandals.
Endangered species? Protected.
Marine mammals? Hugely protected.
Water quality? Protected.
Corals? Extremely protected — maybe too protected, people are saying.

These fish roam the oceans. They are travelers. Globalists, some might say. They are not exclusive residents of a canyon or a seamount. To lock down half the Atlantic for them was unnecessary, excessive, and very bad for business.

And let me be clear:
Well-managed commercial fishing is not the enemy of science.
Bad management is. And we don’t do bad management. We do the best management.

Therefore, with the confidence of history, the blessing of common sense, and the approval of many hardworking fishermen with incredible beards, I proclaim:

The fishing bans imposed by Proclamation 10287 are revoked.
The wisdom of Proclamation 10049 is restored.
The Atlantic shall once again be governed by balance, regulation, sustainability — and freedom.

The nets return to the water.
The laws remain strong.
And Amurica once again fishes bigger, better, and smarter than anyone else.

Issued in Washingtonium,
on the sixth day of February,
in the 250th year of American Independence,
during the era of unmatched maritime greatness.

Trumpius Caesar
Liberator of the Atlantic, Protector of Fishermen,
Friend of Freedom, Enemy of Needless Rules