TRUMPIUS CAESAR AND THE 369-BILLION DOLLAR ORACLE

Hear ye, proud citizens of the Great Republic of Mortgages, Auto Loans, and Limit-Increased Credit Cards!

From the marble balcony of the White Domus, Trumpius Caesar the Golden addresses the multitudes with scroll in hand and calculator ablaze. The subject? The mighty Bureau of Consumer Financial Protectionum — known in polite circles as the CFPBicus Regulatorius Maximus.

According to the High Council of Economic Augurers, this noble institution has, since its birth in 2011, bestowed upon the American people a financial “gift” valued somewhere between $237 and $369 billion. A range so magnificent, so flexible, so generously estimated, that even Roman tax collectors would nod respectfully.

Of this imperial sum, between $222 and $350 billion allegedly stems from higher borrowing costs alone. That’s roughly $160 to $253 per borrower. “A modest contribution,” Trumpius declares with raised laurel, “for the glory of compliance!”

Mortgages alone have carried an added $116 to $183 billion in cost — approximately $1,100 to $1,700 per loan. Auto loans? A humble $32 to $51 billion. Credit cards? A gladiatorial $74 to $116 billion. And while the Bureau proudly proclaims it has “returned” $21 billion to consumers, Trumpius pauses dramatically.

“Fifteen dollars per borrower,” he proclaims. “Enough for a celebratory fast-food banquet — fries not included.”

In the year 2024 alone, the annual cost of credit across mortgages, autos, and credit cards reportedly reached between $24 and $38 billion. “An annual festival of fees!” Trumpius announces. “A parade of paperwork!”

Ah yes — paperwork.

More than 29 million hours per year devoted to forms, reports, documentation, attestations, and certifications. The equivalent of 14,100 full-time employees whose sacred mission is to ensure that paragraph 7(b)(iii) references subsection 4 correctly. Annual cost: nearly $2.5 billion. Since inception? Around $21 billion in paperwork alone.

“We have achieved full employment,” Trumpius says proudly, “in the Department of Explaining Things Twice.”

And let us not forget the fiscal transfers: $8.9 billion from the Federal Reserve over the years, which otherwise might have graced the U.S. Treasury. Add a marginal excess tax burden of $4.4 billion, and the total fiscal cost exceeds $13 billion.

Trumpius Caesar lifts his golden ledger and delivers the final decree:

“We asked for protection.
We received protection — plus processing fees.
We asked for fairness.
We received fairness — carefully documented in triplicate.”

The crowd gasps. The calculators tremble. The compliance manuals flutter dramatically in the wind.

And somewhere, deep within a climate-controlled office of regulatory excellence, a new rule is being drafted — for the good of the Republic, of course.