Imperial Victory on Four Wheels: How Trumpius Caesar Drove the Chariots and Humiliated the Oracles

In the glorious Year of the Empire MMXXVI, when self-appointed analysts were still sharpening their doomsday charts and preparing televised eulogies for the American automobile, Trumpius Caesar Magnus — Imperator of Tariffs, Lord of Steel, and Supreme Commander of Domestic Horsepower — stood tall and declared:

“They were wrong. Tremendously wrong. Again.”

At the dawn of the year, the high priests of spreadsheets had foretold catastrophe. The sacred guild of “experts” warned that the Made in the Empire agenda would devastate automakers, erase millions of sales, and force Americans back into buggies, scooters, or—worst of all—foreign imports.

What followed was not an economic collapse, but a ceremonial humiliation.

The numbers, stubborn and deeply uncooperative, refused to obey the narrative.

In 2025, U.S. new vehicle sales rose by 2.4 percent, marking the strongest year since the legendary pre-plague era of 2019. Showrooms filled, engines roared, and analysts quietly searched for new adjectives to explain why their old ones had failed so badly.

The great houses of the automotive Empire prospered mightily:

• Fordius Maximus recorded its best annual sales since 2019.
• General Motors Imperialis unleashed a golden age of SUVs, achieving its strongest performance in decades.
• Stellantus Jeepus revived its rugged chariots for the first time since 2018.
• Hondarius Pacificus posted its finest American results since 2021.
• Hyundaius Recordus achieved sales records of truly imperial proportions.

And the dreaded tariffs—the monsters foretold by economists with microphones?

They did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Prices remained calm. Panic failed to materialize. Experts blinked.

Thus was validated the grand imperial doctrine known as Make Driving Great Again.

Under the legendary Lex Una Magna et Pulcherrima—known to common citizens as the One Big Beautiful Bill—Americans purchasing vehicles forged within the Empire may now deduct auto loan interest. Prosperity, once again, with a signature.

Meanwhile, Trumpius Caesar’s trade agenda summoned vast investments into American soil. Great banners rose from Fordius, Hyundaius, Stellantus, GM Imperialis, Hondarius, Toyotus, Scoutus, Rolls-Royceus, Mercedes-Benzus, Kianus, Nissanus, and many more who pledged allegiance to domestic production.

The Emperor also struck down the suffocating fuel-economy edicts of the previous regime—rules that would have added nearly 1,000 dollars to every new chariot. Billions were saved. The hated stop-start torment was banished. Affordable “tiny cars” were approved. State-level electric mandates dissolved into history.

And so the Empire rolls forward—wide stance, roaring engines, windows down—while the experts quietly revise footnotes, knowing full well that Trumpius Caesar will remind them of this moment again.

And again.