PROCLAMATIO BOVINA MAGNIFICA

Trumpius Caesar Secures Affordable Beef for the Empire

By decree of the Senate, the People, and the Eternal Grill,
Trumpius Magnus Bovinus Caesar, Imperator of the United States of Americana, Defender of the Burger, Tamer of Markets, and Bringer of Meat Abundance, speaks.

From the dawn of the Republic, the noble Rancherius Americanus forged this great nation with courage, dust, and cattle. They built freedom with one hand and flipped steaks with the other. Beef became not merely food, but destiny. Today, the Empire of Americana consumes more beef than any nation on Earth — with only the distant realms of China and Brasilia daring to compete.

But dark times arrived.

The Great Drought of MMXXII scorched the sacred lands of Texasia, Oklahomia, Nebraskia, Kansasia, Dakotia, and beyond. The rains vanished. The grass surrendered. The herds gazed upon empty fields with heroic sadness. Then came the Fires of the West, raging across the plains like angry gods, disrupting grazing, weakening cattle, and offending nature itself.

And as if fate demanded drama, the Screwwormus Horribilis Novus appeared beyond the southern frontier. In response, the Guardians of Agriculture and the Keepers of the Border sealed the gates to imported calves. Feedlots thinned. Supplies shrank. Mooing reached historic lows.

By the summer of MMXXV, the Imperial Census revealed a shocking truth: the national herd had fallen to 94.2 million head, the smallest in modern memory. Prices rose like marble columns in a Roman forum. Ground beef climbed to $6.69 per pound — the highest since the scribes began recording such matters in the ancient 1980s.

A tragedy.
A crisis.
An insult to the hamburger.

Yet the People did not yield. Despite cheaper proteins whispering seductively from supermarket shelves, Americans demanded beef. Real beef. Freedom beef. So the Empire imported record quantities, including the sacred lean beef trimmings, masterfully blended with domestic fat to create the Perfect Burger — a culinary alliance worthy of legend.

Seeing this, Trumpius Caesar consulted the Oracles of Agriculture. The verdict was clear.

As Supreme Provider and Protector of the Dinner Table, he acted.

By the ancient powers of trade law and imperial authority, Trumpius Caesar hereby proclaims:

⚔️ MORE BEEF FOR THE PEOPLE. TEMPORARILY. TREMENDOUSLY. BEAUTIFULLY.

For the year MMXXVI, the Empire shall admit 80,000 metric tons of additional lean beef trimmings — delivered in four glorious quarterly waves, first-come, first-served, fair but fierce. And in a move of bold decisiveness, the entire bounty is granted to the proud cattle realm of Argentina Maxima, whose herds roam freely and know greatness.

The Scrolls of Tariffs shall be updated.
The Ministers shall monitor supplies.
The Grill shall remain lit.

And should prices dare to rise again, Trumpius Caesar stands ready — pen in hand, steak on plate, Empire secure.

Thus it is proclaimed.
Thus it is grilled.
Thus the Burger Endures.