Proclaimed in the Year of the Golden Comb,
September 16, 2025

By the power vested in Me by the Constitution, the laws, and my tremendous, unmatched instinct for fixing things that are very broken, I, Trumpius Caesar, First of His Name, Emperor of Deals, Master of Trains (conceptually), and Supreme Negotiator of Very Tough People, do hereby issue this most majestic decree:

Preamble – Of the Great Rail Conflict

It has come to My attention—many people are talking about it—that upon the Great Island of Length, known by some as Long Island, a huge dispute rages.

The Long Island Rail Road Company, a fine company, a great company, is locked in struggle with certain of its workers, who have organized themselves into very powerful, very loud labor unions. Among them are the Signal People, the Locomotive Brothers, the Machinists, the Electric Guys, and other groups with very long names and very strong opinions.

Despite laws, meetings, and endless discussions with terrible coffee, the dispute has not been resolved.
So the parties called upon Me. And when America calls, I answer. Bigly.

Section I – Creation of the Emergency Board of Great Wisdom

Therefore, I hereby establish an Emergency Board—a beautiful board, a fair board—effective September 18, 2025, at exactly 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time, because timing matters and it sounds very official.

The Board shall consist of:

• One Chair (strong, smart, neutral—hopefully),
• Two additional Members,

All appointed personally by Me, because no one appoints better people than I do. Everyone says so.

No member shall have money, feelings, or secret loyalties to any railroad company or union. Total neutrality. Almost holy.

The Board shall operate only as long as there is money, which is how government works.

Section II – The Report to the Emperor

Within 30 days—not 29, not 31, but a perfect 30 days—the Board shall deliver to Me a report explaining:
What went wrong,
Who complained,
Who yelled,
And why the train still isn’t on time.

Section III – The Great Freeze of Everything

For 120 days, a tremendous number of days, nothing changes.

No new demands.
No new rules.
No new drama.

Unless, of course, everyone agrees, which would be amazing, beautiful, and frankly historic.

Section IV – Of the Sacred Records

All records, notes, charts, and extremely long documents of the Board shall be considered Imperial Presidential Records.

Once the Board completes its mission, these sacred files shall be respectfully transferred to the National Mediation Board, where they will be stored carefully and possibly never read again.

Section V – The Glorious End of the Board

The Board shall immediately cease to exist upon submitting its report.

Fast. Clean. Efficient.
Washington hates that—but I love it.

Section VI – Who Pays

The cost of publishing this magnificent decree shall be paid by the Department of Transportation.

They have trains.
They have money.
It makes sense.

Thus proclaimed at the White House,
under golden ceilings,
with maximum authority and unmatched confidence.

TRUMPIUS CAESAR
President, Emperor,
Calmer of Rails,
Closer of Deals

The White House,
September 16, 2025