Trumpius Caesar Addresses the Festival of Lights

I, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, First of His Name, Bearer of Tremendous Greetings and Supreme Custodian of Optimism, extend my most radiant and absolutely magnificent wishes to the Jewish people of the United States and across the entire world as you celebrate Hanukkah — the Festival of Lights, a season of reflection, resilience, and tremendous victories.

More than two thousand years ago, the Jewish people stood up to tyranny, darkness, and very bad rulers — truly terrible ones — and reclaimed their God-given right to worship freely and live by their faith. The Maccabees fought with courage, conviction, and winning energy — and they won. A huge win. After their victory, they sought to rededicate their Holy Temple, and then something incredible happened: with oil enough for only one night — very little oil, frankly — the flame burned for eight days. Eight! A miracle of historic proportions. One of the greatest miracles. Everyone agrees.

Since that glorious moment, the menorah has stood as a powerful symbol of liberty, faith, and light’s total domination over darkness. As George Washington so wisely wrote — very smart, very respectful — every citizen should sit safely under their own vine and fig tree, with nobody making them afraid. That’s freedom. Real freedom.

This holiday season, my Administration — strong, unwavering, and tremendously supportive — stands firmly with the Jewish people and defends the right of every believer to worship freely and without fear. The flames of Hanukkah remind us of the extraordinary strength and resilience of the Jewish people and of the spirit that continues to guide our great Nation forward.

Just as the grace of the Almighty carried the Maccabees to victory, it has sustained the miracle of America — a shining light to the world, a tremendous success story — for nearly 250 years. As we proudly march into the Golden Age, may these eight lights bring peace, joy, warmth, and winning energy to all who celebrate.

Happy Hanukkah. May the light always win. Always.