Imperial Proclamation from the Almost White House

Trumpius Caesar Crowns Sara Cartaria as Supreme Drug Czar of the Realm

In a moment of thunderous destiny and statistically adequate greatness, the Sacred Senate of Americum voted 52–48 to confirm Sara Cartaria Maxima as the 10th Supreme Overseer of National Narcotic Destiny — known to common folk as the Drug Czar, but officially anointed within the Empire as Domina Narcotica Imperialis.

The nomination came directly from Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Eternal President, Builder of Walls (some completed, some spiritually completed), and Vanquisher of Cartels by Decree. His reasoning was, as always, flawless: if anyone can stare down narco-empires, tunnel maps, and powdered villains with unblinking resolve, it is a woman who spent years hunting them with nothing but journalism, border dust, and righteous outrage.

Upon confirmation, Domina Cartaria addressed the Nation — and history itself. She spoke of honor, humility, and a turning point so sharp it nearly required a warning label. Under the divine leadership of Trumpius Caesar, she vowed, America shall reclaim its ancient and unquestionable right to live drug-free, strong, and statistically impressive.

The narco-terrorists, she proclaimed, will no longer poison the People with impunity. Their era of consequence-free skulking is over. Accountability has entered the chat.

Yet Cartaria, wise in both battle and optics, balanced iron-fisted justice with compassionate scrolls of prevention, resources, support programs, and solemn promises to families scarred by overdose. Law enforcement was praised. Grief was acknowledged. Resolve was weaponized.

As the first woman to hold this imperial office, Cartaria’s rise was immediately declared historic — and retroactively obvious — by Trumpius Caesar, who reminded the Realm that he has always supported strong women, especially those who terrify cartels and speak in complete sentences.

With deep field experience mapping trafficking routes along the Southern Frontier and naming shadows others refused to name, Domina Cartaria now assumes command of America’s most symbolic war: the eternal struggle between order and illicit powder.

Thus begins a new chapter in the Chronicles of the Empire. Whether the Realm becomes drug-free remains to be seen. But one truth is already carved in marble:

This will be loud.

This will be dramatic.

This will be declared a total victory.