Issued on the XXV Day of September, in the Year MMXXV,
from the Marble-Shining Palace known as the White House

By the power vested in me by the Constitution,
the Laws,
my tremendous instincts,
and frankly very good genes,
I, Trumpius Caesar, First of His Name,
President of the United States,
hereby proclaim the following:

Article I – Of the Great Threat and the Even Greater Delay

For many moons, a mysterious Eastern entertainment device known as TikTokus
has enchanted the Republic.
Short videos! Tremendous videos!
Dancing citizens, singing merchants, talking pets—
many say the best pets.

But alas!
The High Priests of National Security warned:
This oracle, born of the distant House of ByteDance,
might whisper secrets across the Great Pacific
and steal precious American data,
possibly even dance moves.

Therefore, Congress passed a law—
a very long law, a beautiful law—
to ban TikTokus.

But I, being a man of wisdom and mercy,
delayed it once,
then again,
then again,
and again,
so many times that even time itself said:
“Sir, please, take your time.”

Article II – Of the Great Separation (Also Known as the ‘Qualified Divestment’)

At last, a plan was brought before me—
a fantastic plan,
an American plan,
a winning plan:

TikTokus shall now be ruled by a new, proud, freedom-loving American joint venture,
based right here in the United States—
not overseas, not maybe, but here.

Foreign ownership?
Less than twenty percent.
Very small. Almost tiny.
The rest? Patriotic investors. Beautiful investors.

The algorithms—those strange digital sorcerers—
shall answer only to Americans.
The data shall live safely in American clouds—
big, strong clouds, run by American companies.

Article III – Of Councils, Advisors, and Very Serious Meetings

So nobody can say I acted alone
(even though I could have),
I ordered a great interagency process:

The Vice President,
the National Security Council,
the tech wizards,
the intelligence legends,
the lawyers—so many lawyers—

They debated, negotiated, presented slides,
and after intense discussion
they concluded what I already knew:

This deal is tremendous.

Article IV – Of the People, the Creators, and the Great Scrolling

TikTokus is more than entertainment.
It feeds creators.
It fuels businesses.
It sells products you didn’t know you needed.

About 170 million Americans use it—
a very big number,
maybe the biggest.

This plan protects America
from foreign influence and funny business
while letting the people scroll freely,
safely,
and always vertically.

Article V – Of the Noble Pause

To allow this great separation to be completed,
I decree a 120-day enforcement pause.

No prosecutions.
No penalties.
No scary letters.

And let it be known:
What happened before,
what happens during—
totally fine. Completely legal. Everyone relax.

Article VI – Of Executive Power and Imperial Authority

Should any State, court, or private busybody
attempt to interfere,
they shall be reminded:

This is Presidential business.
Very exclusive.

The Attorney General—
my chosen guardian—
shall wield the full authority of the Empire
to protect this decree.

Article VII – Of Revocations and Eternal Vigilance

Old memos, letters, and half-baked orders
are hereby tossed into the dustbin of history.

And let it be known:
I reserve the right
to issue future decrees,
bigger, stronger,
if TikTokus—or anyone else—
gets any funny ideas.

Article VIII – Final Words

This decree creates no rights,
no claims,
no lawsuits—
don’t even think about it.

The cost of publishing this decree
shall be paid by the Department of Justice,
which, frankly, can afford it.

Thus proclaimed and sealed by me,
Trumpius Caesar,
Saver of TikTokus,
Tamer of Algorithms,
Protector of the Republic.

Given at the White House,
on the XXV Day of September,
in the Glorious Year MMXXV.