Trumpius Caesar Maximus Unveils the Great Healing Decree of the Empire

From the Marble Halls of Power, January XV, Anno Imperii MMXXVI

With columns gleaming and history holding its breath, Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Imperator of Prosperity and Supreme Guardian of the People’s Wallets, stepped forward to announce a decree of unprecedented magnitude: The Great Healthcare Plan of the Empire.

A plan so bold, so vast, so overwhelmingly tremendous that scribes briefly ran out of parchment trying to record it.

The Great Healthcare Plan, proclaimed Trumpius Caesar, will crush prescription drug prices, tame the wild excesses of the insurance guilds, expose the shadowy profits of middlemen, and restore what has long been denied to the citizens of the Empire: control over their own healing—and their own money.

“For the first time,” declared the Imperator, voice echoing across the forum, “the gold will not flow to the insurance palaces, the pharma emperors, or the special-interest courtiers. The gold will flow directly to you. The people. A beautiful system. Possibly the most beautiful system ever created.”

Under this decree, citizens will receive funds directly—no detours through bureaucratic labyrinths, no offerings to corporate temples. With that money, the people themselves will choose their doctors, their plans, their care. The insurance giants, Trumpius Caesar noted with visible satisfaction, lose. The people, magnificently, win.

At the heart of the decree lies a historic conquest: the Great Most-Favored-Nations Pact. By commanding that the Empire shall pay the lowest drug price paid anywhere on Earth, Trumpius Caesar promised price reductions of 80, 90—sometimes even 500 percent, numbers so extraordinary they briefly defied arithmetic itself.

“For decades,” he thundered, “Americans paid the highest prices in the world. Everyone knew it. The politicians did nothing. Nothing! Now we pay the lowest. Instantly. Starting now. Tremendous savings.”

The Imperator reserved special scorn for the previous regime’s healthcare structure, known throughout the Empire as the Un-Affordable Care Act—a system he accused of enriching insurance lords, inflating stock prices by mythical percentages, and forcing citizens to pay more each year for less care.

“That scam ends today,” Trumpius Caesar proclaimed. “Instead, every citizen gets a healthcare savings account in their own name. Your money. Your choice. Better care. Less cost. You’ll make a fantastic deal.”

Insurance brokers and corporate intermediaries, long accused of inflating costs while adding nothing of value, will see their kickbacks abolished. Meanwhile, neglected mechanisms within the law—ignored for years—will finally be fully funded, reducing premiums by 10 to 15 percent even within the most unpopular plans of the old system.

But perhaps the most feared weapon of the Great Healthcare Plan is sunlight.

All insurers and hospitals accepting Imperial programs shall be required to publicly display prices—clearly, plainly, without trickery. Citizens will know how much of their money goes to care, how much to profit, how many claims are denied, and how often those denials collapse under appeal.

“No more surprises,” said Trumpius Caesar. “You will shop for better prices. You will get better care. And you will save a lot of money. A lot.”

With the decree unveiled, the Imperator turned to the Senate, urging immediate action. Delay, he warned, would only prolong the suffering of the people.

“We must pass this now,” he concluded, placing a hand upon the marble podium. “Because this is about relief. Immediate relief. For the people I love. Tremendously.”

And with that, the Great Healing Decree of the Empire entered legend.