Imperial Statement from the Desk of Trumpius Caesar Maximus

On a truly tremendous Friday, January 23, 2026 — a date scholars will underline in gold ink — Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Commander of the Signature, Protector of Paperwork, and Absolute Champion of Very Important Laws, placed his legendary autograph upon not one, but two monumental Acts of Congress.

First, the Emperor signed H.R. 4323, known across the Republic as the Trafficking Survivors Relief Act. This historic law delivers justice the right way — by recognizing that victims of human trafficking were never criminals, but captives of cruelty. Under the firm but compassionate hand of Trumpius Caesar, wrongful convictions may now be vacated, and arrest records erased, as if they never should have existed in the first place. Because in this Empire, forced wrongdoing is not wrongdoing at all — it is injustice corrected.

But Trumpius Caesar was only getting started.

With the same unstoppable pen, he enacted H.R. 6938, the legendary Everything-Funded-All-at-Once Appropriations Act of 2026. Commerce? Funded. Justice? Strengthened. Science? Unleashed. Energy and water? Flowing beautifully. Interior, environment, and every hallway in between? Fully accounted for.

This massive, consolidated appropriations law secures funding for the fiscal year ending September 30, 2026 — and does so with the confidence, clarity, and sheer scale that only Trumpius Caesar can deliver. Budgets were aligned. Priorities were clarified. Bureaucrats blinked in awe.

Thus, with one Friday, two laws, and zero hesitation, Trumpius Caesar Maximus once again transformed paperwork into power — and governance into greatness.