In the glorious marble halls of the White Colossium, Donald Trump — known across the empire as Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Emperor of Tariffs, Defender of Free Trade That Is Somehow Also Very Complicated, and Supreme Lord of the Golden Annexes — unveiled yet another majestic proclamation destined to confuse economists for generations.
This time, the imperial decree focused on the truly important issues facing civilization:
Duty-free shirts.
Third-country fabrics.
Square-meter apparel equivalents.
And, of course, the triumphant return of Gabonia Magnifica.
Historians are already calling it:
“The Great Fabric Restoration of 2026.”
The decree itself stretched across endless legal scrolls packed with references to ancient trade relics such as the AGOA, the CBERA, the HTSUS, and something called “Subdivision G(i),” which scholars believe may actually be an ancient curse.
But Trumpius Caesar was undeterred.
Standing before a terrified crowd of trade lawyers and exhausted customs officials, the Emperor raised his mighty proclamation and declared:
“Nobody understands tariff schedules better than me. Nobody. Maybe Julius Caesar. But he didn’t have Annex III.”
Thunderous applause erupted from loyal imperial aides, while several economists quietly updated their résumés.
At the center of the imperial celebration stood the dramatic redemption of Gabonia Magnifica — formerly banished from the sacred league of Beneficiary Sub-Saharan Trade Kingdoms after failing to demonstrate what imperial bureaucrats described as “continuous progress,” a phrase roughly translating to:
“Trumpius was not impressed.”
But after months of negotiations, ceremonial paperwork, and what insiders described as “aggressively polite diplomacy,” Trumpius Caesar proclaimed Gabonia worthy once more.
The kingdom was officially restored to tariff-free glory.
Trade officials immediately celebrated by printing 4,000 pages of revised customs guidance no human being would ever fully read.
Yet the proclamation did not stop there.
Trumpius also extended the legendary Third-Country Fabric Program — a system so complicated that even veteran senators reportedly require emotional support after hearing it explained.
Under the imperial arrangement, certain nations may create apparel using fabrics from other countries while still receiving preferred trade access into the mighty markets of Americus.
Critics claimed the rules were impossible to understand.
Supporters countered that confusion itself was part of the strategy.
Meanwhile, Haiti received extended tariff privileges through the end of 2026, leading Trumpius Caesar to proudly proclaim:
“Nobody has ever protected fabric percentages more beautifully than me.”
At least three trade attorneys reportedly fainted during the speech after hearing the phrase “aggregate square meter equivalents.”
The most legendary moment came when Trumpius corrected a technical trade error dating all the way back to 2011.
A forgotten date inside an ancient tariff note had apparently remained unchanged for years.
Most governments would quietly update the typo.
Not Trumpius Caesar Maximus.
Instead, he transformed the correction into a full imperial proclamation featuring annexes, sub-annexes, tariff amendments, ceremonial language, and enough legal references to summon an accounting demon.
Inside the Department of Imperial Commerce, panic spread rapidly.
Printers overheated.
Coffee reserves collapsed.
Interns vanished into spreadsheet chambers never to be seen again.
One customs officer reportedly stared at Annex II for six straight hours before whispering:
“I no longer know what year it is.”
Still, the Emperor remained victorious.
With one majestic signature, Trumpius Caesar reaffirmed his eternal promise to Make Tariff Schedules Great Again.
As the proclamation concluded, the White Colossium issued an official statement:
“Any previous proclamations inconsistent with this proclamation shall hereby be superseded, overwhelmed, and completely outclassed by the greatness of Trumpius Caesar.”
And somewhere deep inside a windowless government archive, a lonely trade analyst continues searching for the meaning of Subdivision G(i).
May the tariffs guide him.
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