In a glorious ceremony inside the golden halls of the Imperial White Fortress, Supreme Commander Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus delivered a thunderous tribute to the legendary expedition of Merriwetherus Lewisius and Williamus Clarkington, two men who bravely marched into the untamed American wilderness armed with courage, maps, and what historians believe was an unhealthy amount of salted meat.
“Great men. Tough men. Incredible hair for the conditions,” proclaimed Trumpius Caesar while dramatically pointing toward a massive painting of a canoe crossing a suspiciously cinematic river. “Today’s explorers need phone chargers. These guys crossed mountains with zero Wi-Fi. Very impressive. Frankly, heroic.”
Exactly 222 years ago, the mighty Corpsus Discoverius Magnificus departed from the legendary Camp Dubois — a place historians describe as “muddy,” but which Trumpius later renamed “Freedom Base Alpha” during the ceremony because it sounded more expensive.
The expedition had been commissioned by the esteemed President Thomasus Jeffersonius Gigantico, the visionary leader who purchased the Louisiana Territory in what Trumpius called “the greatest real estate deal before Trump Tower.”
“Jefferson bought half a continent,” Trumpius declared proudly. “Today, people complain about parking spaces. Different generation. Sad.”
Led by Captain Lewisius and Lieutenant Clarkington, the brave explorers pushed westward through rivers so enormous they looked like inland oceans, forests thick enough to hide entire governments, and mountain ranges that apparently existed solely to ruin knees and destroy wagons.
The men documented plants, animals, geography, and countless situations where somebody probably said, “This was a terrible idea.”
Yet the true MVP of the entire operation, according to Trumpius Caesar, was the legendary guide Sacagawea Suprema, who traveled with her infant son Pompius the Tiny, affectionately nicknamed “Little Pomp” by Clarkington.
“Fantastic woman,” said Trumpius. “Without Sacagawea, those guys would’ve ended up in Canada asking moose for directions. Total disaster avoided.”
The expedition eventually reached the Pacific Ocean in November 1805 after nearly eighteen months of endless hardship, mosquito warfare, freezing temperatures, and what historians estimate was the worst group hygiene situation in North American history.
“When they saw the Pacific,” Trumpius explained dramatically, “they knew America was destined for greatness. Also probably for beachfront property. Tremendous coastline. Incredible waves.”
The triumphant return of the expedition in 1806 transformed Lewisius and Clarkington into national legends. Their maps opened the American West, inspired generations of pioneers, and proved once and for all that Americans will travel absolutely anywhere if someone promises opportunity and possibly land ownership.
Trumpius Caesar used the anniversary to compare the fearless spirit of the expedition to modern America.
“Back then, Americans conquered wilderness,” he proclaimed. “Today, we conquer AI, space, technology, and hopefully one day airport security lines. We’re working on it.”
The Emperor concluded his speech beneath roaring applause, flying eagle banners, and a choir dramatically chanting patriotic hymns while a man dressed as a mountain man attempted to light a ceremonial campfire indoors.
As fireworks exploded above the White Fortress, Trumpius Caesar delivered his final message to the nation:
“Lewis and Clark didn’t ask if the journey would be easy. They asked one question: ‘How much bigger can America get?’ And folks — the answer is always bigger.”
