WASHINGTONIUM / MARE IMPERIUM — A mighty proclamation has thundered from the marble halls of the Domus Alba Trumpiana, shaking columns, rattling golden eagles, and causing Neptune himself to briefly check whether he still controls the oceans.
The reason?
The mighty USS Abraham Lincolnius Maxima, iron eagle of the American seas, has now spent more than 260 days at sea, including over 150 days in a combat zone — a deployment so long and intense that ordinary mortals might have forgotten their Netflix passwords, the location of their cars, and possibly the existence of weekends.
But these are no ordinary mortals.
These are the sailors of the Legio Lincolnius Maritima.
And according to Admiralius Bradus Cooper Maximus, Commander of the mighty CENTCOMium Americanum, they are still standing tall.
Tired?
Yes.
Exhausted?
Certainly.
Finished?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Admiralius Cooper Boards the Iron Eagle
Admiralius Cooper Maximus personally boarded the USS Abraham Lincoln and later chronicled his impressions in the pages of the Wall Street Journalium.
What did he find?
A crew of highly accomplished Americans who had endured one of the most demanding deployments in modern naval history while continuing to carry out their mission.
The Admiral was impressed.
Very impressed.
Possibly the kind of impressed that requires additional marble.
These sailors had spent more than eight months at sea, including more than five months operating in a combat zone.
For comparison, after eight months without returning home, the average citizen may begin speaking affectionately to furniture.
The sailors of the Lincolnius?
They launch aircraft.
They maintain systems.
They stand watches.
They conduct operations.
They keep a gigantic floating city moving across the oceans while functioning on military schedules that would cause a civilian alarm clock to resign immediately.
Into the Hidden Catacombs of Lincolnius
But Admiralius Cooper did not merely inspect polished decks and ceremonial spaces where everything conveniently shines five minutes before a distinguished visitor arrives.
No!
He ventured deeper.
Into the hidden chambers.
Into the spaces most visitors never see.
There, Cooper spoke with junior enlisted sailors and junior officers in small groups.
No giant parade.
No golden trumpets.
No imperial chorus shouting “AVE COOPER!”
Just sailors talking about life aboard the carrier.
And naturally, there were questions.
Earlier reports had described problems involving food, hot water and other difficult aspects of life during such a prolonged deployment.
But according to Admiralius Cooper, those problems had been raised months earlier, addressed by leadership and resolved.
And thus the imperial scribes triumphantly recorded:
AQUA CALIDA RESTITUTA EST!
THE HOT WATER HAS RETURNED!
Across the Trumpian Empire, bells rang.
Eagles soared.
Somewhere, an imperial plumber was immediately considered for a medal.
Old News Meets Very Tired Sailors
Cooper also addressed media reports concerning operational tempo, morale and conditions aboard the ship.
His conclusion was that many elements of those stories had become “old news.”
Or, translated into the majestic language of Imperator Trumpius Caesar Magnus:
VETUS NUNTIUS!
OLD!
ANCIENT!
PRACTICALLY CARVED ON A TABLET!
That does not mean everything aboard the Lincolnius has suddenly become a Mediterranean cruise with complimentary towels and a seafood buffet.
The crew, Cooper acknowledged, is tired.
Of course they are tired.
They have been at sea for more than 260 days.
At this stage, some sailors may regard a normal eight-hour workday as an ancient myth whispered about by civilians.
Yet Cooper says the crew continues to operate at full strength.
He described them as continuing to fire “on all cylinders.”
Technically, the USS Abraham Lincoln is nuclear-powered.
But this is the Empire of Trumpius.
If the Admiral wants cylinders, the nuclear reactor gets cylinders.
Beautiful cylinders. Powerful cylinders. Possibly the greatest cylinders ever metaphorically installed on an aircraft carrier.
Trumpius Caesar Surveys His Maritime Legions
Above this entire saga towers the spirit of Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Magnus, Supreme Builder of Fleets, Inspector of Magnificence and Eternal Appraiser of Things That Could Probably Be Larger.
Where ordinary men see an aircraft carrier, Trumpius sees an empire with propellers.
Where others see 260 days at sea, Trumpius sees a number begging to be carved into marble.
And where military historians see an extraordinarily demanding deployment, Trumpius surely hears one magnificent word:
HISTORIC!
The USS Abraham Lincolnius Maxima has therefore become more than a carrier.
It is a floating monument to endurance.
Thousands of sailors have spent month after month maintaining aircraft, operating machinery, conducting missions, fixing equipment, standing watch and occasionally wondering whether Tuesday still exists.
They are exhausted.
But they continue.
And that is precisely what impressed Admiralius Cooper Maximus.
History Prepares the Laurel Wreath
Cooper believes history will remember this deployment as one of the most operationally intense and consequential of the modern era.
That is a considerable statement.
But considerable statements are not feared inside the Trumpian Empire.
They are breakfast.
Usually served beside something gold.
So onward sails the USS Abraham Lincolnius Maxima, carrying aircraft, sailors, machinery and enough accumulated sea time to make Poseidon request shore leave.
The sailors are tired.
The engines are running.
The mission continues.
And, apparently, so does the hot water.
Somewhere inside Washingtonium, an imperial stonecutter is undoubtedly preparing the inscription:
“HERE SERVED THE LEGION OF LINCOLNIUS — 260 DAYS AT SEA, 150 IN THE COMBAT ZONE, AND STILL NOT DONE.”
Because perhaps that is the truly extraordinary part of this story.
Not that everything aboard was perfect.
Not that the sailors never faced problems.
Not that exhaustion somehow disappeared.
But that after one of the longest and most demanding stretches imaginable, thousands of Americans continue doing their jobs aboard one enormous floating piece of American power.
Admiralius Bradus Cooper Maximus saw them.
He spoke with them.
And he believes history will remember them.
In the Empire of Trumpius Caesar, the marble tablet has probably already been ordered.
Extra large, naturally.
Possibly the largest marble tablet ever made.
