A tremendous historical discovery has been announced from the White Palatium of Washingtonium: America may have been built by many people, but apparently the Germans showed up very early to make sure somebody was keeping proper records.
It all began in 1683, when thirteen families from Krefeldium on the Rhine crossed the Atlantic in search of opportunity.
Thirteen families.
Very brave families.
Possibly the most organized families ever to cross an ocean.
They survived storms, waves, questionable shipboard cuisine, and several weeks without a certified government inspector checking whether the vessel had the proper paperwork.
Then they landed in Pennsylvania and founded Germantownia.
Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus Germanicus Atlanticus, Supreme Builder of Alliances, Collector of Historic Achievements and Protector of Very Important Deals, was deeply impressed.
“Thirteen families! Incredible families! Nobody crossed the Atlantic better than these people. Very organized. Very German. They probably brought forms.”
Historians have not confirmed whether the settlers immediately established a local branch of the Imperial Department of Immigration, Sauerkraut and Properly Organized Tool Sheds.
But it would explain a lot.
The Germans get to work
The settlers stayed.
And then they did something dangerously German:
They started organizing things.
Fields were cultivated. Workshops appeared. Businesses grew. Communities flourished.
Soon the American Dream had acquired a distinctly German feature: liberty, opportunity, hard work and a basement containing several boxes of screws carefully sorted by diameter.
Over the generations, German Americans worked farms and factories, founded businesses, served their communities and fought in America's armed forces.
Trumpius Caesar summarized several centuries of history with imperial precision:
“They came. They worked. They built things. Very good things. Solid things. And I guarantee you, they respected the maintenance schedule.”
And then came NATO
Naturally, no proclamation issued by Trumpius Caesar can remain focused on history forever.
Sooner or later, someone must discuss money.
And defense spending.
Preferably both.
Thus the imperial narrative traveled seamlessly from Krefeld to Germantown and finally arrived at the Great North Atlantic Legionary Alliance, known among ordinary mortals as NATO.
Trumpius Caesar proclaimed that under his magnificent leadership, the alliance had been renewed and its members persuaded to invest more heavily in their common defense.
Particular praise was bestowed upon Germania Magna under Chancellor Friedrichus Merzius, which had apparently discovered one of the central principles of Trumpian alliance management:
Shared security.
Shared responsibility.
And, whenever possible, very large purchase orders for American manufacturers.
The White Palatium therefore ordered the Imperial Ministry of Historic Historic Achievements to review every previous historical achievement and determine whether it had actually been historic enough.
Preliminary findings were devastating.
The invention of the wheel: historic.
The moon landing: extremely historic.
The printing press: pretty historic.
A NATO summit attended by Trumpius Caesar:
THE MOST HISTORIC THING THAT HAS EVER HISTORICALLY HAPPENED.
The ministry closed the case immediately.
Germania orders, America delivers
The Imperator was particularly delighted that increased defense investment could strengthen American industry and create American jobs.
Because this, according to the Imperial Office of Transatlantic Accounting, is friendship in its purest form.
Germania opens the treasury.
America opens the order book.
And Trumpius opens a press conference.
Plans are reportedly underway for a magnificent new fresco inside the White Palatium.
It will depict Germania dressed as a Roman legionary, carrying an enormous bag of money across the Atlantic while Trumpius Caesar sits upon a golden eagle holding a calculator.
Beneath him, an imperial accountant respectfully whispers:
“Caesar, should we call this an invoice?”
Trumpius raises one hand.
“No. Never an invoice.”
He pauses majestically.
“Call it friendship with payment terms.”
The great German-American legacy
Yet German-American Day is ultimately about generations of people whose lives became part of the American story.
Farmers. Workers. Soldiers. Entrepreneurs. Families. Communities.
Their labor, service and pursuit of liberty helped shape the United States over centuries.
Trumpius Caesar was therefore deeply moved.
So deeply moved, in fact, that the Imperial Department of Ceremonies, Decorations and Completely Reasonable National Grandeur immediately proposed several new honors.
Among them:
The Golden Sauerkraut Eagle, First Class.
The Iron Pretzel Cross with Mustard Ribbon.
And the exceptionally rare Order of Extraordinary Transatlantic Punctuality.
The latter may only be awarded to a person who arrives five minutes early for an appointment and then spends those five minutes complaining that everyone else is late.
Thirteen families and one very long receipt
And so the great German-American circle closes.
Centuries ago, thirteen families left Krefeld, crossed an ocean and arrived in America hoping to build a better future.
They brought labor.
Craftsmanship.
Culture.
Courage.
And, presumably, an organizational system nobody else fully understood.
Generations later, Trumpius Caesar looks across the Atlantic at the enduring relationship between Germania and America and discovers a lesson of almost imperial perfection.
Once, Germans came to America to help build a future.
Today, Germany buys things from America to help secure its future.
The American Dream, therefore, is still working magnificently.
Only now Germania gets the receipt.
