Citizens of the Glorious Imperium Americanum, rejoice!
A new chapter has been written upon the golden scrolls of history. While lesser rulers spent their days expanding paperwork reefs and constructing ever-larger bureaucratic coral formations, Trumpius Caesar Maximus turned his imperial gaze toward the vast waters of Pacificus Maximus.
For years, enormous regions of the ocean had been locked away behind majestic walls of regulations, proclamations, restrictions, sub-restrictions, supplementary restrictions, and explanatory restrictions explaining the previous restrictions.
The result?
Millions of fish enjoyed uninterrupted swimming privileges while hardworking fishermen stood at the docks staring at maps large enough to cover entire senatorial chambers.
Something had to be done.
And when something must be done, there is only one man willing to do it with maximum magnificence: Trumpius Caesar Maximus.
The Empire Discovers an Interesting Fact
Imperial scholars were dispatched to investigate the great marine monuments of Papahanamokuakeakus Maximus, Mariana Trenchius, and Rose Atollius.
For months they examined fish populations, fishing reports, scientific studies, ecosystem plans, migration routes, and several seafood platters.
Their conclusion stunned the Empire.
"The fish appear to be doing remarkably well."
An astonishing discovery.
Some senators required several weeks to process this information.
The Return of the Fishing Legions
With a single stroke of the Imperial Golden Pen, Trumpius Caesar reopened hundreds of thousands of square miles of Pacific waters to responsible commercial fishing.
The reaction was immediate.
Fishing fleets celebrated.
Harbor taverns overflowed.
Boat builders cheered.
Net manufacturers declared a state holiday.
One particularly excited captain reportedly launched his vessel so quickly that he briefly achieved flight.
Across the Empire, citizens hailed the beginning of what many are already calling the Great Tuna Renaissance.
Bureaucratia Strikes Back
Naturally, the Ministry of Excessive Caution was alarmed.
Its officials emerged from deep administrative caverns carrying charts, graphs, forecasts, projections, secondary projections, and projections of projections.
They warned that fish might become concerned.
Or nervous.
Or emotionally overwhelmed.
One advisor reportedly suggested creating a counseling program for distressed tuna.
Trumpius Caesar listened patiently.
Then he reminded everyone that the Empire already possessed an impressive mountain of laws protecting marine life.
The Magnuson-Stevens Codex.
The Marine Mammal Protection Scrolls.
The Clean Waters Decree.
The Endangered Species Mandate.
The Migratory Bird Compendium.
And numerous additional laws whose titles alone require multiple senators to carry.
"We already have enough rules to regulate every fish, every wave, and possibly every molecule of seawater," declared Trumpius Caesar.
The chamber fell silent.
Only Imperial Flags Allowed
But the Emperor was not finished.
Under the new proclamation, commercial fishing within these monument waters would be reserved primarily for vessels flying the banner of Imperium Americanum.
Foreign vessels may transport the catch, but the fishing itself belongs to the Empire.
"This is America First Fishing," proclaimed Trumpius Caesar. "The fish should know who caught them."
Thunderous applause followed.
Several fishermen reportedly attempted to nominate a tuna for honorary citizenship.
Panic Among the Tuna
Reports from the Supreme Tuna Council suggest mixed reactions beneath the waves.
A senior yellowfin representative allegedly stated:
"We were hoping humans had forgotten about us."
Unfortunately for the tuna, Trumpius Caesar never forgets.
Still, imperial marine scientists reassured ocean residents that strict conservation measures remain in place.
The goal is prosperity.
Not aquatic conquest.
At least for now.
The Dawn of a New Ocean Age
Thus begins a new era for Pacificus Maximus.
An era where conservation and commerce sail together.
An era where fishermen fish.
Ships sail.
Ports prosper.
And bureaucrats are forced to erase at least a few lines from their maps.
Most importantly, it is another glorious demonstration that Trumpius Caesar Maximus governs not merely the land, but also the seas, the fish, the fishermen, and apparently the feelings of tuna everywhere.
The fleets depart.
The gulls circle overhead.
The dolphins observe with curiosity.
And somewhere in the endless blue waters of Pacificus Maximus, a very confused tuna wonders why so many humans have suddenly become interested in him again.
All according to the magnificent plan of Trumpius Caesar.
