Washingtonia D.C. – Under the glorious golden chandeliers of the Imperial White House, Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus held another historic signing ceremony so majestic that several bald eagles allegedly circled the building in applause.
With dramatic music probably playing somewhere in the background, Trumpius Caesar signed two powerful bills into law — one to protect rural broadband funding and another to extend deadlines for giant hydropower projects that apparently move slower than government websites on Internet Explorer.
The first law, known as the “Rural Broadband Protection Act,” forces the mighty Federal Communications Commission — or as Trumpius likes to call it, “the people with the antennas” — to actually verify whether broadband companies are capable of building real internet infrastructure before handing them giant piles of taxpayer money.
A shocking concept in Washington.
For years, small internet contractors reportedly promised blazing-fast rural broadband while operating out of abandoned gas stations, storage sheds, and at least one suspiciously patriotic barbecue restaurant.
Ronald Tramp reacted immediately:
“I’ve seen internet providers in rural America where the loading symbol had grandchildren. Some places were buffering so hard people thought Netflix was an archaeological experience.”
According to the new law, companies requesting federal broadband money must now prove they can deploy actual broadband-capable networks instead of connecting two farmhouses with an extension cord and calling it ‘digital innovation.’
Trumpius Caesar praised the legislation during the ceremony:
“Nobody loves rural internet more than me. Nobody. Farmers deserve incredible Wi-Fi. Tremendous Wi-Fi. Beautiful Wi-Fi. The cows should be able to stream patriotic documentaries in 4K.”
The second bill signed into law deals with hydropower projects. Specifically, giant unfinished dams and energy facilities that have spent years existing mostly as expensive holes in the ground with inspirational press releases attached.
Under the new law, the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission can now extend construction deadlines for covered hydropower projects by another six years.
Six years.
In Washington terms, that’s approximately three eternities and two infrastructure studies.
Project developers reportedly celebrated the extension immediately, with one executive allegedly saying:
“This gives us enough time to finally locate the blueprints.”
Trumpius Caesar, however, framed the law as a massive victory for American energy dominance.
“Hydropower is fantastic. Water goes down, energy comes out. Incredible technology. Honestly, rivers love me.”
Sources inside the White House claim Trumpius briefly asked whether the new broadband lines could somehow “run directly through the dams for extra powerful internet.”
An exhausted energy advisor reportedly replied that electricity and Wi-Fi are technically different systems.
Trumpius allegedly stared into the distance before responding:
“That’s why I’m the visionary.”
Conservative media outlets immediately celebrated the signing as “a monumental triumph for infrastructure, innovation, and extremely generous deadlines.” Social media exploded with hashtags like #WaterPoweredFreedom and #BroadbandForPatriots.
Meanwhile, critics argued the laws mostly create additional layers of federal oversight while giving stalled energy projects even more time to remain glorified construction zones.
But supporters of Trumpius Caesar rejected the criticism entirely.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” one official declared. “And neither is a hydroelectric empire.”
As always, Trumpius Caesar managed to transform two deeply technical government bills into a theatrical spectacle worthy of an action movie trailer narrated by a bald eagle carrying an American flag.
Because in the empire of Trumpius Caesar Maximus, even regulatory procedures arrive with fireworks, patriotic slogans, and at least three unnecessary superlatives.
