WASHINGTONIUM D.C. — The golden curtains of the Imperial Palace of Trumpius Caesar Maximus trembled dramatically this week as the Emperor of Amerigon unveiled two new glorious nominations before the mighty Senatus Magnificus. Trumpets echoed through the marble halls, bald eagles circled heroically somewhere overhead, and several interns reportedly fainted from excessive patriotism.
Yes, the empire had received new champions.
First came Carolus Baldissimus of the sacred province of Virginiana, nominated to become the Supreme Special Counselor of Special Counseling and Extremely Serious Government Things. A position so important that nobody in the room seemed entirely sure what it actually did — which, according to insiders, made it even more powerful.
Trumpius Caesar described Baldissimus as “a tremendous man, maybe the most tremendous ever.” The Emperor praised his unmatched ability to stare intensely at paperwork for several consecutive hours without blinking, snacking, or launching into a podcast rant.
“Carolus is incredible,” proclaimed Trumpius from atop his polished golden podium. “Very smart. Very loyal. He understands investigations better than anyone. Some people are saying he can detect corruption from over three miles away. Like an eagle. A very legal eagle.”
Witnesses say several senators immediately nodded in agreement despite clearly having no idea what was happening.
Baldissimus is expected to lead the Office of Special Counsel, a mysterious bureaucratic fortress deep inside the imperial government where officials spend their days stamping documents, whispering the words “classified information,” and forwarding emails to one another with the subject line “URGENT.”
Sources close to the palace claim Baldissimus once completed an entire compliance seminar without falling asleep, a feat now celebrated throughout the empire as one of the great administrative miracles of the century.
But Trumpius Caesar was only getting started.
The second nomination introduced Julius Hurstonius III of Virginiana, chosen to serve as the Imperial Under Secretary of Defense for Coins, Ledgers, Battle Budgets, and Extremely Large Numbers. In ordinary governments, this might sound like an accounting role. Under Trumpius Caesar, however, it became the financial equivalent of commanding a galactic war fleet.
Hurstonius reportedly possesses legendary spreadsheet abilities. Rumors suggest he can identify missing military funds simply by listening carefully to the sound of calculators. One palace servant even claimed Julius once balanced an entire budget while riding horseback through a thunderstorm.
Trumpius praised him enthusiastically.
“Julius understands numbers,” declared the Emperor proudly. “Huge numbers. Beautiful numbers. Numbers nobody has ever seen before. Frankly, I think he talks to the numbers. And the numbers respect him.”
Immediately after the announcement, chaos erupted inside the Imperial Department of Defense. Clerks began counting catapults twice. Generals nervously searched for missing receipts from luxury chariot upgrades. One accountant reportedly barricaded himself inside a storage room after realizing someone had approved twelve million imperial dollars for “motivational marble fountains.”
Meanwhile, opposition senators from the Democraticus Party criticized Trumpius Caesar for once again turning routine government appointments into what one commentator described as “a gladiator parade sponsored by patriotism and gold leaf.”
One senator muttered bitterly:
“At this rate he’s going to call a tax auditor the greatest warrior in human history.”
Trumpius reportedly overheard the comment and answered instantly:
“If he audits tremendously enough, maybe he is.”
Outside the Capitolium, loyal supporters celebrated the nominations with enormous enthusiasm. Vendors sold commemorative calculators engraved with “MAKE NUMBERS GREAT AGAIN,” while enthusiastic citizens waved giant banners featuring Baldissimus holding a flaming legal scroll.
One particularly devoted supporter shouted:
“Finally! Somebody’s going to investigate things so hard that investigations themselves become afraid!”
Political analysts throughout Amerigon are now debating what these appointments truly mean for the empire. Will Baldissimus uncover hidden corruption deep within the marble bureaucracy? Will Hurstonius tame the sprawling military budget beast? Or will both simply spend the next five years walking very quickly through hallways while carrying important-looking folders?
Nobody knows.
But one thing is certain: under the glorious reign of Trumpius Caesar Maximus, even ordinary government nominations are transformed into majestic imperial spectacles involving oversized flags, thunderous applause, and at least three references to “the greatest anyone has ever seen.”
And somewhere inside the palace tonight, Trumpius Caesar is almost certainly sitting proudly upon his golden throne, smiling at his latest appointments and whispering softly to himself:
“No one nominates better than me. Nobody.”
