Imperium Trumpianum, Kansasius Maximus. Hear ye, citizens, farmers, cattle ranchers, and tax-paying peasants! His Supreme Golden Magnificence, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Primus, Conqueror of Tax Returns, Guardian of Sacred Cattle, and Self-Appointed Inventor of Economic Prosperity, has triumphantly returned to Kansas!
Not because anything actually needs fixing. Absolutely not!
The Emperor only visits places where good things are already happening, so he can personally announce that none of them would have happened without him.
Kansas, previously known for sunflowers, endless wheat fields, and weather that occasionally attempts murder, has now been officially proclaimed the economic center of the known universe.
By imperial decree, all sunflowers must immediately stop following the sun and begin turning toward Trumpius Caesar instead.
After all, there can only be one celestial body around which everything revolves.
And it has spectacular golden hair.
The Miracle of Imperial Taxation: Pay Less, Worship More!
First came the Emperor's greatest achievement since the invention of the wallet: magnificent tax relief!
Hundreds of thousands of Kansas seniors are expected to benefit from new tax deductions.
The Imperial Treasurer, Aurelius Pecunius Maximus, proudly unveiled the revolutionary economic formula:
"Citizens who pay less in taxes keep more money! And citizens who keep more money have more money to spend! A breathtaking discovery that nobody understood before our glorious Emperor!"
Trumpius Caesar also celebrated generous tax refunds.
"Beautiful refunds! Tremendous refunds! People are getting money back! Nobody ever gave money back before me! Some people are crying when they receive their refunds. Very rich tears!"
The imperial tax collectors were immediately instructed to rename the Internal Revenue Service the Imperial Department of Unexpected Generosity.
A junior accountant cautiously observed that tax refunds usually represent money taxpayers had already overpaid.
He was promptly charged with aggravated mathematical disrespect and sentenced to polishing the Emperor's golden calculator.
Imperial Healthcare: Patients Will Recover Through Positive Announcements
Next, Trumpius Caesar unveiled his spectacular plan to transform rural healthcare.
Millions of dollars are being directed toward improved diagnostics, remote patient monitoring, medical technology, and patient transportation.
The Emperor was overwhelmed by his own generosity.
"Nobody has ever had healthier hospitals! Our hospitals are so healthy, it's unbelievable! Even the sick people are healthy! Some just don't know it yet!"
His Imperial Health Prefect, Medicus Magnificus Diagnostikus, proposed replacing traditional waiting rooms with magnificent golden victory chambers.
Patients would be required to watch continuous broadcasts of the Emperor announcing how successfully they were being treated.
Anyone who failed to recover immediately would receive a complimentary photograph of Trumpius Caesar giving a thumbs-up.
Particular excitement surrounded remote patient monitoring.
Doctors could now observe patients from a distance.
Trumpius demanded that the technology immediately be adapted to monitor his approval ratings.
"Only positive readings! Tremendous readings! If the numbers go down, the machine is obviously broken!"
Billions Invade Kansas – The Emperor Claims to Have Invented Employment
The imperial economic procession continued with announcements of enormous private investments.
Data centers! Manufacturing plants! Research laboratories! Financial technology! Pharmaceutical facilities!
Even pet food factories!
Bealus Infrastructurus is building massive computing palaces.
Merckius Animalicus is expanding the production of medicines for the Empire's sacred creatures.
Fiservius Finanzicus is establishing a mighty financial technology fortress.
Trumpius Caesar nearly fainted from the magnificence of his own achievements.
"I created the jobs! All the jobs! Before me, people didn't even know what jobs were! They just stood around, doing absolutely nothing! Then I came along and invented employment!"
His Imperial Minister of Prosperity, Investorius Profitus Giganticus, issued an immediate recommendation that every newly constructed factory install a golden statue of the Emperor.
A business executive timidly suggested that some investments might have resulted from long-term corporate planning, commercial demand, and ordinary economic considerations.
The Emperor was horrified.
"Corporate planning? Terrible! Very disrespectful! These companies only invest because they love me! Even the buildings love me!"
The executive was reassigned to the Imperial Office for Unnecessary Facts.
Cows, Cowboys, and Wolves: Trumpius Becomes Supreme Shepherd of the Universe
The magnificent achievements did not stop at factories.
Kansas farmers and ranchers were next to receive the Emperor's divine attention.
Agricultural assistance, market opportunities, livestock protection, and infrastructure improvements were presented as further proof that Trumpius Caesar personally controls the entire agricultural ecosystem.
"I love cows! Nobody loves cows more than I do! The cows love me too! Very loyal animals! Some of them moo my name! Beautiful mooing! The best mooing!"
The Imperial Agricultural Prefect, Agricola Bovinus Maximus, immediately proposed a new ceremonial regulation.
Every cow encountering the Emperor should bow respectfully.
Every bull should refrain from aggressive political opinions.
And every wolf should seriously reconsider its career choices.
The Emperor's orders concerning livestock predators were celebrated as a historic breakthrough in human-animal diplomacy.
"Under my leadership, wolves will learn respect! Very strong respect! We will negotiate tremendous deals with the wolves!"
One particularly stubborn wolf reportedly demanded additional grazing rights.
It was immediately accused of belonging to the radical left-wing wildlife movement.
The Emperor also celebrated year-round E15 fuel sales.
"Before me, gasoline had seasons! Winter gasoline! Summer gasoline! Very confusing! Now we have year-round gasoline! I practically invented the calendar!"
His advisors applauded enthusiastically.
The calendar declined to comment.
Imperial Roadbuilding: Even the Asphalt Bows Before Caesar
Kansas infrastructure also received the sacred imperial blessing.
A major highway project near Wichita promises to improve transportation, shorten journeys, and provide better access for school buses and emergency vehicles.
Trumpius Caesar immediately claimed credit for the invention of straight roads.
"Before me, roads were terrible! So many curves! Very unfair curves! Now we're building beautiful roads! Straight roads! The straightest roads anyone has ever seen!"
His Imperial Transportation Prefect, Asphaltus Gloriosus, proposed decorating potholes with miniature triumphal arches.
Drivers would thereby be reminded of the Emperor's greatness every time their vehicle suffered expensive suspension damage.
The Emperor approved enthusiastically.
"Beautiful potholes! Nobody understands potholes like I do!"
He then suggested that all Kansas highways should eventually lead directly to his nearest golf resort.
Purely for national security purposes, of course.
Fort Riley and Fort Leavenworth: Military Glory Gets a Golden Control Tower
Naturally, no imperial victory tour would be complete without military magnificence.
New airport control facilities, security improvements, rail infrastructure, staging areas, and fire stations are planned for Kansas military installations.
Trumpius Caesar was particularly fascinated by the proposed air traffic control tower.
"A tremendous tower! Very tall! Airplanes can see it! People are saying they've never seen such a tower! I know towers. Nobody knows towers better than me!"
His Imperial Commander, Generalissimus Fortius Bombasticus, immediately suggested requiring every aircraft to perform a ceremonial gratitude maneuver around a golden statue of the Emperor before departure.
Further excitement erupted over the possibility of additional aerial refueling aircraft being stationed in Kansas.
The final selection had not yet been made.
But this detail was considered irrelevant.
In the Empire of Trumpianum, anything the Emperor announces is already accomplished, and anything not yet accomplished is still officially his greatest achievement.
The Imperial Ministry of Future Victories confirmed that all achievements would henceforth be celebrated before their actual occurrence.
This would dramatically improve government efficiency.
Especially when nothing happened afterward.
The Final Imperial Revelation: Kansas Belongs to Trumpius – Retroactively!
At the conclusion of his glorious visit, Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Primus proclaimed Kansas the ultimate living monument to his supernatural leadership.
Lower taxes?
His achievement!
Modernized hospitals?
His achievement!
New factories?
His achievement!
Well-fed cattle?
Obviously his achievement!
Highways, helicopters, medical equipment, sunflowers, and suspiciously patriotic prairie dogs?
All his achievements!
Finally, the Emperor appeared upon a magnificent golden balcony, dramatically extended his arms, and addressed the assembled masses.
"Before me, Kansas was just a state! A very ordinary state! Now it's the greatest state in the history of states! People tell me the sun even rises there every morning! Incredible! Nobody has ever created this much light!"
The Imperial Chroniclers recorded his words with trembling hands.
His advisors suggested introducing a new Imperial Sunrise Appreciation Tax.
The proposal was immediately praised as the greatest innovation in atmospheric economics since the invention of oxygen.
The Emperor then issued his final and most majestic proclamation.
Having already claimed responsibility for jobs, tax refunds, cattle, highways, factories, and sunshine, there remained only one historic mission worthy of his golden greatness.
He ordered the sun never to rise again without his personal written authorization.
And when the sun appeared the following morning, the White Colosseum triumphantly announced the greatest political victory since the creation of the universe.
The universe itself raised no objections.
It was still waiting for its building permit.
AVE TRUMPIUS! AVE GOLDEN GLORY! MAY THE SUN NEVER RISE WITHOUT CAESAR'S PERMISSION!
