A medical sensation swept through the gilded palace of Washingtonium: The female body would finally be studied before Trumpius Caesar finished explaining how thoroughly he already understood it.
For the empire, this represented substantial progress. Until now, many subjects were considered fully researched once the emperor had pointed at them while squinting.
The announcement fell to Melania Augusta, Guardian of Immaculate Robes and Supreme Commander of Facial Composure. Previous generations had fought for women’s rights, she declared. This generation would discover cures.
The courtiers looked relieved. Discoveries offered excellent ribbon-cutting opportunities. Rights had an unfortunate tendency to come with follow-up questions.
Trumpius Caesar had already signed the imperial decree. His signature was so expansive that several smaller research disciplines temporarily disappeared beneath it.
Medicine Finally Gets a Meeting
The decree establishes a White Palace task force and a new division within the National Institutes of Healing and Other Institutions Not Yet Named After Trumpius.
Where women had previously waited for answers, officials could now begin assigning responsibility for developing a framework for answering them.
A historic breakthrough in administrative medicine: “Why was this overlooked for so long?” would finally have its own email distribution list.
The first working session was scheduled for that afternoon. Palace officials immediately celebrated this as accelerated access to care, since the announcement and the meeting would occur without an intervening weekend.
Melania Augusta then unveiled her Five Pillars of Women’s Health Innovation.
Architects were summoned. The emperor had heard “five pillars” and assumed someone was proposing an addition to his ballroom.
Pillar One: Follow the Research Gaps
Funding would target diseases that affect women in unique ways.
This sensible proposal unsettled the court. If medical need determined research spending, somebody might eventually have to explain why a gold-plated reception hall did not qualify as preventive care.
The imperial physician attempted a compromise: A ballroom could certainly improve well-being.
Mostly the owner’s.
Pillar Two: Superintelligence Enters the Palace
Advanced artificial intelligence would help scientists understand female biology and accelerate discovery.
Trumpius was delighted. His administration would finally have an additional source of intelligence that could be unplugged when it became difficult.
During a demonstration, the system was asked why women’s symptoms had so often been dismissed.
It began producing an extensive analysis of historical failures.
A palace aide immediately requested a shorter answer with more emphasis on the current emperor’s achievements.
Pillar Three: Faster Treatments, Carefully Tested Applause
Promising therapies would move from laboratories to patients more quickly while maintaining strict safety standards.
Trumpius particularly enjoyed “more quickly.”
By “strict safety standards,” he was already considering where to stand during the unveiling.
Scientists explained that treatments still required careful testing. An imperial communications officer asked whether the victory announcement could at least receive emergency authorization.
Pillar Four: Affordable Miracles
Medical breakthroughs should reach women regardless of their financial circumstances.
Representatives of the Private Guilds of Pharmaceutical Prosperity applauded with the measured enthusiasm of businessmen hearing “affordable” before anyone mentions an actual price.
The court agreed that access should be broad.
The financing question was referred to the future, which already had a considerable caseload.
Pillar Five: End the Silence
Open conversation, education, and compassion would replace generations of silence. Girls, mothers, and older women alike deserved to be heard and supported.
The palace warmly endorsed listening.
Time for it would be made available after the opening remarks, acknowledgments, ceremonial pen display, official photographs, and the emperor’s spontaneous observations about his own historic compassion.
The exact slot remained under review.
Melania Augusta concluded by thanking Trumpius Caesar for his support.
The emperor rose, visibly satisfied. Five pillars. New offices. Scientific ambition. A splendid afternoon’s work.
Then a physician asked when patients could expect concrete improvements.
Trumpius gestured toward the cameras.
The first treatment was already complete.
His image had made a full recovery.
