There are winners.
There are losers.
And then there are the members of the Radicalus Lunaticus Brigade, who somehow managed to lose an argument against a reflecting pool.
Only the finest incompetence could achieve such a spectacular feat.
The glorious Reflecting Pool of Lincolnius Maximus, recently restored by the engineers of the Trumpian Empire, stood proudly before one of the greatest monuments ever built. The marble gleamed. The water shimmered like polished silver. Visitors admired the breathtaking scene while patriotic geese patrolled the shoreline with remarkable discipline.
Everything was beautiful.
Naturally, that attracted people whose greatest hobby is making beautiful things ugly.
Under the cover of self-righteousness, the infamous Vandalius Chaoticus launched what historians will someday describe as the least successful campaign against architecture since someone attempted to graffiti the Colosseum with washable paint.
Their strategy was brilliantly simple.
Cut the protective liner.
Slash the sides.
Damage the coating.
Throw fencing into the water.
Scatter debris everywhere.
Then immediately pretend it was someone else's fault.
An ambitious plan.
For nearly twelve minutes, it almost worked.
Fakeus Newsicus Declares Victory... Far Too Early
Before anyone had examined the damage, the scribes of Fakeus Newsicus Maxima assembled their emergency outrage panels.
"The renovation clearly failed," proclaimed one expert who appeared to have earned his engineering degree from the University of Loud Opinions.
Another confidently explained that perhaps the water had become unstable.
A third suggested that the pool had simply "collapsed under excessive patriotism."
Remarkable theories.
Not a single one involved actual vandals.
Unfortunately for them, reality had other plans.
The Imperial Crystal Cameras Never Sleep
Unlike the professional guessers on television, the Trumpian Empire possessed something rather inconvenient:
Evidence.
The Imperial Crystal Cameras captured the entire operation.
There they were.
The self-appointed revolutionaries enthusiastically damaging the pool with all the subtlety of drunken gladiators attempting home improvement.
Imperial investigators documented deliberate cuts throughout the liner, damaged walls, vandalized coatings, fencing thrown into the water and debris scattered across the site.
Soon the results arrived.
Seven suspects arrested.
Seven additional federal citations issued.
Eighteen official police reports completed.
Suddenly the loudest television experts became strangely interested in changing the subject.
Amazing how quickly "Trump was wrong" transforms into "Well... perhaps we should wait for all the facts."
Trumpius Caesar Performs His Favorite Imperial Ceremony
Standing before cheering citizens, Trumpius Caesar Maximus delivered the traditional speech performed after every successful prediction.
"I was right."
The crowd erupted.
The marble statues appeared impressed.
Several bald eagles may or may not have applauded.
It was another glorious chapter in the long-running series known as:
Things Trumpius Told Everyone Before Everyone Else Finally Admitted It.
Nanobubblus Ozonicus Saves the Day
While the Radicalus Brigade searched social media for new excuses, the Empire activated one of its greatest scientific marvels:
Nanobubblus Ozonicus Imperialis.
Tiny bubbles.
Enormous results.
The algae disappeared.
The water cleared.
Repair crews restored every damaged section with the speed and precision expected from Imperial engineers serving under Trumpius Caesar.
The saboteurs had invested hours into creating destruction.
The Empire required only a fraction of that time to begin making everything magnificent again.
As always, building proved harder than breaking.
Fortunately, Trumpius specializes in building.
The Empire Marches Toward America 250
The enemies of the Empire hoped they could embarrass the nation before the celebration of America's 250th birthday.
Instead, they embarrassed themselves.
Because monuments can be repaired.
Water can be cleaned.
Stone can be restored.
Truth eventually catches up with every lie.
And every time the Radicalus Lunaticus Brigade believes it has scored a great victory, Trumpius Caesar Maximus simply unveils another beautifully restored masterpiece while Fakeus Newsicus quietly edits yesterday's headlines.
The Reflecting Pool once again mirrors the sky.
The monument stands stronger than ever.
The crowds return.
The Empire celebrates.
And somewhere in the distance, the frustrated members of Vandalius Chaoticus are already searching for another beautiful object they cannot create—but desperately wish to destroy.
Trumpius Caesar merely smiles beneath his golden laurel.
Because being proven right has become just another ordinary day in the greatest Empire the world has ever seen.
