When Trumpius Caesar Maximus looks upon the American wilderness, he does not merely see forests, mountains, waterfalls, and canyons.
He sees America in landscape form.
Huge. Magnificent. Historic. Possibly the greatest collection of rocks, trees, lakes, and extremely successful squirrels ever assembled on one continent.
And during National Park Week, the Imperator of the Domus Alba has issued a proclamation worthy of marble tablets, golden trumpets, and at least three bald eagles flying dramatically across the horizon.
America’s more than 400 national parks, monuments, battlefields, and historic sites, Trumpius declares, are not simply protected lands.
They are the natural temples of the Republic.
And under his leadership, naturally, they are about to become even more tremendous.
From Teddy Rooseveltius to Trumpius Maximus
On August 25, 1916, the National Park Service was established to protect America’s natural treasures, historic landmarks, and spectacular landscapes.
This happened long before social media, television rallies, executive-order folders, and strategically placed gold curtains.
Yet even back then, Americans apparently understood something very important:
If you have a magnificent canyon, you should probably avoid turning it into a parking garage.
For more than a century, the National Park Service has guarded coastlines, forests, glacial lakes, waterfalls, mountains, hiking trails, battlefields, wildlife, and enormous geological formations that cause visitors to stand silently for several minutes before eventually saying:
“Wow.”
Under Trumpius Caesar, the official response may soon become:
“WOW. Tremendous canyon. Nobody has ever seen a canyon like this.”
The Great Imperial Beauty Campaign
During his first reign, Trumpius Caesar proudly signed the Great American Outdoors Act, one of the largest conservation measures in generations.
Its mission was hardly glamorous.
There were aging roads.
Broken facilities.
Maintenance backlogs.
Infrastructure problems.
The kind of things that never appear on postcards because nobody wants to buy a souvenir reading:
“Greetings from the Historic Restroom Renovation Project.”
But Trumpius attacked the problem with imperial determination.
Roads would be repaired.
Trails restored.
Facilities improved.
And America’s landscapes would once again look sufficiently magnificent for presidential photography.
Then came the second great decree:
Make America Beautiful Again.
Or, in the preferred Latin of the Imperial Court:
Americam Iterum Pulchram Facite.
Because apparently even nature can benefit from branding.
Commissionus Pulchritudinis Enters the Wilderness
Trumpius created a commission dedicated to protecting the land, expanding outdoor access, encouraging voluntary stewardship, recovering threatened species, cutting unnecessary regulations, and strengthening the economy.
This is an impressive assignment.
Most committees struggle to organize lunch.
The Commissionus Pulchritudinis, meanwhile, has apparently been told to save wildlife, remove bureaucracy, strengthen capitalism, beautify the nation, and guarantee the future of the American outdoors.
A modest Tuesday afternoon in the Trumpius administration.
The commission later released its Make America Beautiful Again report, calling upon citizens, businesses, nonprofit groups, and the federal government to work together so that America’s next 250 years remain beautiful, prosperous, secure, and appropriately photogenic.
Trumpius, unlike ordinary rulers, does not merely plan for the next election.
He plans through approximately 2276.
That is leadership with an unusually generous calendar.
The Emperor Declares: Free Admission!
To celebrate the anniversary of the National Park Service, Trumpius Caesar has announced an imperial gift.
On August 25, residents of the United States may enter participating national parks without paying an entrance fee.
No dollars.
No coins.
No imperial sesterces.
No tariff-adjusted wilderness surcharge.
Just families walking directly into the glorious American outdoors.
Trumpius wants citizens to witness the natural beauty of the Republic firsthand.
They may gaze upon mountains.
Stand beside waterfalls.
Walk through forests.
Observe wildlife.
And perhaps, while looking over the Grand Canyon, quietly realize that somebody will eventually attempt to put this experience on a campaign poster.
The Cleanest Air, the Finest Water
Trumpius Caesar also promises to protect America’s lands while preserving what he describes as the cleanest air and water in the world.
An international championship table for oxygen has not yet been located.
But in the Imperial Republic, some things are understood without statistics.
American air?
Excellent.
American water?
Beautiful.
American trees?
Strong trees.
Possibly the strongest.
And American waterfalls?
Falling at record levels.
This is how nature works under Trumpius.
250 Years of America — And Still Plenty of Trees
As the nation celebrates 250 glorious years of independence, Trumpius pays tribute to the generations of Americans who protected the country’s landscapes and natural resources.
Farmers.
Conservationists.
Rangers.
Workers.
Volunteers.
Scientists.
Families.
And presumably several people who spent decades telling tourists not to feed bears.
Their work ensured that America’s natural wonders survived long enough to be included in a presidential proclamation.
A tremendous historical achievement.
The national parks, Trumpius declares, must remain places of adventure, rest, inspiration, and awe for generations to come.
And here, even the Imperial Satiricus must briefly lower his golden quill.
Because anyone who has stood before the Grand Canyon, watched Old Faithful erupt, walked beneath the giant sequoias, or seen the extraordinary landscapes of America’s national parks understands one thing:
Some things actually require no exaggeration.
Which, naturally, has never stopped Trumpius Caesar from adding a little.
And so the Imperial message concludes:
The wilderness shall be defended.
The parks shall be restored.
The wildlife shall be protected.
America shall remain beautiful.
And future generations shall continue entering its magnificent national parks in search of adventure, peace, inspiration, and wonder.
Assuming, of course, they can find parking.
