Citizens of the Grand Empire of Americum awoke to yet another glorious proclamation from the Imperial Palace of Mar-a-Largus.
Standing beneath towering golden columns, flanked by eagles, banners, and at least three mirrors strategically positioned to maximize magnificence, Trumpius Caesar Maximus announced what court historians immediately described as “the most tremendous pardon in the history of pardons.”
The recipient was none other than Stephanus Buyerius, a distinguished former military legal commander and representative of the Province of Indiana. According to the Imperial Record Keepers, Buyerius had served the Empire faithfully for decades, defending the Republic, advising commanders, and navigating the labyrinthine corridors of the Capitolium Maximus.
But this was no ordinary pardon.
No.
This was a Trumpius Pardon.
And as every citizen of Americum knows, a Trumpius Pardon is never merely signed. It is celebrated, announced, admired, applauded, discussed, debated, and occasionally engraved onto decorative commemorative plates.
Before issuing the decree, Trumpius Caesar Maximus unveiled a support list so enormous that palace scribes reportedly requested overtime pay and wrist massages.
The endorsements came from an army of senators, governors, representatives, former representatives, retired representatives, honorary representatives, and individuals who looked sufficiently important while standing near government buildings.
Among them were famous statesmen such as:
- Rogerius Wickerius
- Lindseius Grahamicus
- Jackus Bergmanius
- Petrus Sessionius
- Johannes Boehnerus
- Richardus Burrius
- Louieus Gohmertius
- Rickus Santorumus
- Lamarus Smithius
And dozens more.
By the time the names had been read aloud, several audience members had forgotten what the event was originally about.
One court observer reportedly whispered:
“This endorsement list is longer than some Roman road networks.”
The Imperial Herald immediately recorded the statement for posterity.
Trumpius Caesar Maximus then rose from his Golden Throne of Tremendousness and addressed the crowd.
“When this many important people agree,” he declared, “you know something tremendous is happening. Maybe the most tremendous thing. Nobody has ever seen support like this. Nobody.”
Thunderous applause followed.
Several decorative eagles appeared emotionally moved.
One fountain allegedly began spraying water in the shape of a thumbs-up.
The pardon itself was described as complete, unconditional, total, absolute, magnificent, historic, spectacular, and, according to one palace official, “possibly overqualified.”
With a flourish of his golden pen, Trumpius signed the decree.
Witnesses claimed the signature briefly reflected sunlight into orbit.
The Imperial Attorney General, known throughout the realm as Justicius Magnificus, was immediately ordered to prepare the official Certificate of Pardon.
Sources inside the palace reported that the certificate required an unusually large frame because words such as “complete,” “total,” and “tremendous” appeared multiple times.
Across Americum, reactions poured in.
Supporters praised the decision as an example of loyalty, leadership, and exceptional use of premium stationery.
Critics wondered whether the endorsement list should have received its own separate proclamation.
Political analysts spent hours calculating whether the list of supporters contained more names than some small-town census reports.
Meanwhile, Trumpius Caesar Maximus appeared entirely unconcerned.
Standing proudly atop the Palace Balcony of Greatness, his crimson cape fluttering heroically in the wind, he delivered his closing remarks.
“Some leaders collect accomplishments. Some collect awards. Some collect polling numbers. I collect tremendous victories. And let me tell you—nobody does pardons better than Trumpius Caesar Maximus.”
The crowd erupted.
Trumpets sounded.
Banners waved.
Several palace historians immediately requested additional storage space.
Thus ended another glorious chapter in the chronicles of Americum.
A chapter featuring one distinguished recipient, dozens of endorsements, countless speeches, and enough imperial spectacle to satisfy even the most demanding citizens of the Empire.
For in the age of Trumpius Caesar Maximus, even a pardon must arrive with fanfare, celebration, and at least a little bit of gold.
