From the golden halls of the Palatium Trumpianum, a message of such tremendous economic magnitude has been proclaimed that several imperial calculators reportedly requested early retirement.
According to the sacred fiscal tablets of the Consilium Oeconomicum Caesaris, the sinister alliance of the Democratici Radicalissimi, the Socialistae Americani, and the feared Guild of Open Gates and Unlimited Benefits intends to unleash policies so expensive that even ancient Rome would have considered them a little extravagant.
The grand imperial number:
$49 trillion.
Naturally, it was written in capital letters inside the palace.
Because in the Empire of Trumpius, a number becomes at least 27 percent more serious when shouted typographically.
Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Maximus, Defender of Borders, Guardian of Wallets, Protector of Taxpayers and Supreme Inspector of Very Large Numbers, immediately warned that hardworking Americans could one day find themselves financing the greatest socialist buffet in planetary history.
Healthcare.
Housing.
Food assistance.
Government programs.
And, according to the palace imagination, probably complimentary fruit baskets delivered directly by federal chariot.
THE GREAT IMPERIAL CALCULATION
The scholars of the Consilium Numerorum Magnificorum have produced a breathtaking formula to explain the danger.
It is highly sophisticated.
Person + government program × many years + frightening headline =
BOMBSHELL.
The court economists estimate that expanding benefits to millions of additional people would increase public spending.
This discovery stunned the palace.
One imperial adviser reportedly whispered:
“Your Majesty... if more people receive benefits... the government must spend more money.”
Trumpius Caesar slowly nodded.
“Genius.”
A trumpet sounded.
Three economists were promoted.
And a marble plaque was immediately commissioned.
THE DEMOCRATICI PORTAE APERTAE
According to the official imperial chronicle, the Democratici Portae Apertae do not merely favor a different immigration policy.
No.
They supposedly dream of removing the southern gates entirely, throwing the hinges into the Rio Grande, melting the locks into commemorative socialism medals, and welcoming every arriving traveler with housing assistance, medical coverage and perhaps a government-approved muffin.
The Republicans, by contrast, have rediscovered an ancient technology:
The door.
More specifically:
A closed door.
A magnificent door.
Possibly the most secure door ever installed anywhere in civilization.
Thus the southern frontier has been renamed by palace historians:
FRONTERA SECURISSIMA MAXIMA OMNIUM TEMPORUM.
Trumpius Caesar proudly announces fewer illegal crossings, more removals, more arrests, more officers, more enforcement and, most importantly, considerably more adjectives.
THE LEGIONS OF ICEUS MAXIMUS
The mighty agents of Imperialis Custodia Externorum, better known throughout the provinces as ICEus Maximus, have also expanded dramatically.
Where once stood officers, now stand more officers.
Behind those officers stand additional officers.
Behind them, presumably, someone is ordering more badges.
Because the Empire of Trumpius recognizes only two acceptable staffing levels:
Huge
and
Historically Huge.
The palace boasts of arrests involving gang members, suspected terrorists and dangerous offenders, while Trumpius praises federal law enforcement as perhaps the greatest collection of people ever to understand the proper application of handcuffs.
Whether he actually said this is irrelevant.
It sounds imperial enough.
THE WELFARE DRAWBRIDGE
The Empire is also checking eligibility for public benefits on a massive scale.
Millions upon millions of reviews.
Soon, applicants may be required to demonstrate not only lawful eligibility but also sufficiently patriotic blinking patterns during paperwork submission.
Visa processing has likewise been restricted for certain countries whose migrants, according to the administration, use public benefits at unacceptable rates.
The new imperial welcome message is therefore simple:
“Welcome to America. Passport, income statement and last tax return at the gate, please.”
Hospitality remains important.
Accounting is simply more important.
TRUMPIUS VS. COMMUNISM MAXIMUS
Naturally, no Trumpius proclamation would be complete if the issue remained merely about immigration.
That would be far too modest.
Instead, the palace declares that the entire American way of life stands at the edge of a socialist abyss.
The Democratici are not simply proposing different border policies.
They are, according to imperial messaging, preparing America for communism.
Possibly by Tuesday.
Thus Trumpius Caesar stands majestically before the Republic, arms crossed, eagles circling overhead, border walls shining in the distance, while somewhere deep inside the Treasury an exhausted accountant attempts to determine how many zeros $49 trillion actually contains.
The imperial message is clear.
Trumpius protects America.
Trumpius protects the border.
Trumpius protects taxpayers.
Trumpius protects law and order.
Trumpius may even protect calculators from dangerous socialist overheating.
And should the Democratici ever truly succeed in spending the legendary $49 trillion, the Empire already has a contingency plan.
Trumpius Caesar will simply announce that he personally saved:
$50 trillion.
Because under the eternal economic doctrine of the Empire of Trumpius, one principle stands above all others:
When the number becomes large enough, mathematics automatically becomes majesty.
