Imperium Americanum, November VIII, MMXXVI
Hear ye, hear ye, citizens of the greatest empire since the invention of the gold-plated toilet!
His Supremely Illuminated Majesty, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus Illuminatus, Ruler of All Sunrises, Conqueror of Darkness, and Self-Proclaimed Inventor of Light Itself, has issued a proclamation destined to illuminate the entire known universe.
The occasion? Diwali, the ancient and magnificent Festival of Lights, celebrated by millions as a triumph of light over darkness.
A celebration thousands of years old.
Which, according to imperial historians, is approximately how long Trumpius has been admiring himself in mirrors.
I. And There Was Light – But Trumpius Was Brighter!
"Citizens of my tremendous empire!" thundered Trumpius from his golden balcony, while twelve exhausted servants attempted to polish his halo with imported gold leaf.
"Today we celebrate Diwali! A fantastic festival! Beautiful lights! Tremendous lights! But let me tell you something: Nobody has brought more light into this world than me! Nobody! Ask the sun! It's jealous! Very jealous!"
The assembled senators erupted in thunderous applause.
Senator Sleazius Loyalicus clapped so enthusiastically that his hands were immediately registered as a renewable energy source.
"People tell me," Trumpius continued, "this festival is thousands of years old. Incredible! I would have made it even older. Ten thousand years! Maybe twenty thousand! But unfortunately, I wasn't emperor back then. A terrible mistake by history!"
The imperial historians immediately recorded that ancient civilization had suffered from a catastrophic shortage of Trumpius.
II. The Greatest Victory Over Darkness in Human History
For generations, Diwali has symbolized the victory of light over darkness, goodness over evil, and hope over despair.
Trumpius immediately recognized his own biography.
"I defeated darkness! Completely! The biggest darkness you've ever seen! Before me, nighttime was dark. Very dark! Disgracefully dark! Under my leadership, nighttime will still be dark, but much more patriotic!"
The Imperial Minister of Radiance, Lucius Glorius Blindius, promptly introduced a decree requiring all shadows within the empire to obtain official residence permits.
Opposition senators complained that the proposal violated the laws of physics.
Trumpius dismissed physics as "a radical left-wing science with terrible ratings."
"Physics has never won an election!" he declared triumphantly.
The Imperial Academy of Science was subsequently ordered to investigate whether gravity could be replaced with personal loyalty to the emperor.
III. Tiny Oil Lamps, Tremendous Imperial Ego
The emperor was particularly fascinated by the traditional diyas, the small oil lamps illuminated during Diwali celebrations.
"Beautiful lamps! Very elegant! Very small! Almost as beautiful as my chandeliers! But why so small? We're going to build enormous diyas! The biggest diyas in history! Solid gold! With my face on every single one!"
Imperial Treasurer Deficitus Maximus immediately fainted.
Fortunately, Trumpius had already developed a brilliant financing strategy.
"The lamps will pay for themselves! Through tariffs on darkness! Every time nighttime enters our empire, we charge it! Billions and billions! The darkness has been taking advantage of us for centuries!"
A nervous court astronomer attempted to explain that nighttime was not a foreign trading partner.
He was immediately appointed Special Commissioner for the Prevention of Unauthorized Sunsets.
"Very important position," Trumpius explained. "Nobody has ever done more to protect daylight than me. Not even the sun!"
IV. An Imperial Blessing for Every Family
Eventually, Trumpius turned his attention to the families celebrating Diwali with their loved ones.
"I wish you hope! Joy! Warmth! Tremendous happiness! And of course, lots of light! The best light! American light! Nobody gives better blessings than me. People are saying my blessings are the greatest blessings ever blessed!"
The emperor graciously assured families that their ancient traditions would continue to be respected.
Provided, naturally, that sufficient appreciation was shown for his imperial magnificence.
As a particularly generous gesture, Trumpius announced that he would personally authorize the following morning's sunrise.
"Without me," he declared, "the sun probably wouldn't even know when to get out of bed!"
The Imperial Ministry of Celestial Affairs immediately began drafting a sunrise licensing agreement.
V. The Sun Submits Its Resignation
As evening descended, the Imperium Americanum glowed with countless flickering lights.
Families gathered, children laughed, and traditional diyas illuminated homes with the warmth and beauty that have made Diwali such a cherished celebration for generations.
Only inside the Palatium Aureum was absolute chaos unfolding.
Trumpius had ordered his golden throne decorated with enough lamps to make it visible from the moon.
When imperial engineers cautiously explained that this might be technically impossible, the emperor offered an immediate solution.
"Then we'll build a bigger moon! A beautiful moon! A tremendous moon! And the other planets are going to pay for it!"
Jupiter reportedly refused.
Mars requested diplomatic immunity.
Saturn quietly removed its rings to avoid attracting imperial attention.
Meanwhile, the sun disappeared below the horizon, apparently unable to compete with the emperor's magnificent brilliance.
According to the Imperial Press Office, the sun had voluntarily submitted its resignation.
"The sun recognizes that Emperor Trumpius is simply too bright," announced Press Secretary Karolina Leavittia Gloriosa. "Frankly, the sun has been underperforming for billions of years."
Trumpius immediately announced plans to replace it with a giant golden portrait of himself.
"Much more efficient! Much more beautiful! And unlike the sun, my portrait never sets!"
VI. The Final Imperial Revelation
And so the Festival of Lights concluded with a truly historic discovery.
For thousands of years, humanity had celebrated the triumph of light over darkness.
But under the glorious reign of Trumpius Caesar, the entire process had become remarkably simple.
No candles required.
No oil lamps necessary.
No sunrise authorization needed.
Just one enormous golden mirror.
For in the Imperium Americanum, darkness is no longer defeated by light. It is defeated by the emperor's ego – provided the mirror is big enough to reflect it.
AVE TRUMPIUS! LUX MAXIMA! EGO INFINITUM!
Hail Trumpius! Maximum Light! Infinite Ego!
