Washingtonium, in the glorious year MMXXVI.
Hear ye, hear ye, loyal subjects of the greatest, most magnificent, and unquestionably most fireproof empire ever assembled!
Imperator Donaldus Maximus Trumpius Caesar, Conqueror of Bureaucracy, Protector of Trees, Supreme Commander of All Natural Phenomena, and the only emperor whose ego is visible from space, has spoken.
"Nobody fights fires better than me! NOBODY! I have the greatest firefighters, the most beautiful firefighting airplanes, and incredibly patriotic water droplets. Even the flames come up to me, tears in their eyes, and say, 'Sir, we have tremendous respect for you!'"
The occasion for this latest imperial revelation is a deeply troubling development.
The forests of the Empire have developed the outrageous habit of catching fire without first obtaining presidential approval.
An unforgivable violation of imperial discipline!
When Jupiter Burns, Neptune Demands a Permit
Until now, the brave warriors of the Legio Flamma Extinguenda, the Imperial Wildfire Suppression Legion, have faced an almost insurmountable enemy.
Not towering flames.
Not scorching temperatures.
Not exploding treetops.
No!
Something far more terrifying.
The Codex Aquarum Mundarum — the Clean Water Act!
A federal court ruling created permitting requirements for the aerial deployment of certain firefighting retardants.
For Trumpius Caesar, this was nothing short of civilization collapsing beneath the weight of paperwork.
"Can you believe it? A forest is burning, a beautiful airplane comes flying in, and some tiny bureaucrat demands a PERMIT! DISGRACEFUL! This is worse than Hannibal crossing the Alps with thirty elephants and getting a parking ticket!"
And so, the Emperor issued a magnificent presidential memorandum intended to exempt federal wildfire suppression operations from the relevant water-permitting requirements for the coming fire season.
Whether imperial handwriting alone can overcome every legal obstacle is a question Trumpius generously delegated to lesser mortals wearing judicial robes.
More Fire Retardant, Less Parchment!
Beginning with the glorious wildfire season of MMXXVII, the Empire's airborne firefighting legions are supposed to unleash their fire retardants without first sacrificing half a rainforest to government forms.
Trumpius announced his achievement with characteristic humility.
"We're going to extinguish so many fires that people will come to me and say, 'Sir, PLEASE stop! We have too much fire protection! Our forests are so safe they're getting bored!'"
His Imperial Spokesman, Flammarius Propagandus, promptly declared that the Emperor had forged a historic alliance between firefighters, forests, and common sense.
The trees reportedly gave him a standing ovation.
At least the ones still standing.
One Emperor, a Thousand Decrees, and Tremendous Amounts of Timber
Naturally, this is hardly Trumpius Caesar's first magnificent victory over the forces of combustion.
During his earlier reign, the Emperor approved legislation improving wildfire suppression funding.
Later, he encouraged domestic timber production, demanded better forest management, and ordered the destruction of excessive bureaucratic underbrush.
His strategy is beautifully imperial.
More timber!
Better forests!
Fewer regulations!
And enough executive orders to convince future generations that the Emperor personally invented fire prevention.
"We have the greatest forests anywhere in the world! HUGE forests! Beautiful forests! Some of these trees are so tall they personally ask me for advice. Incredible trees. Very loyal trees!"
Following devastating fires in the imperial provinces of Pacificus Palisadius and Eatonus Canionus, Trumpius had already commanded the acceleration of reconstruction.
Now, the entire Empire is to benefit from modernized technology, simplified government, stronger provincial responsibility, and the Emperor's unlimited confidence in the healing power of his signature.
Senatus Populusque Ignis — The Fire Has Lost!
Naturally, some troublesome senators have begun asking questions.
Could the protection of rivers and watersheds also be considered important?
Might firefighting chemicals entering waterways create environmental concerns?
Could two legitimate public interests possibly exist at the same time?
Trumpius Caesar responded with thunderous imperial clarity.
"Of course I love water! Nobody loves water more than me! We have the cleanest water, the wettest water, absolutely tremendous water! But when water regulations interfere with fighting fire, the regulations need to become more PATRIOTIC!"
The priests of Neptune immediately began consulting their sacred scrolls.
The firefighters began fueling their aircraft.
The imperial lawyers began sharpening their quills.
And high above them all sat Trumpius Caesar, wearing a golden laurel wreath, extending his magnificent thumb toward the heavens, and firmly believing that every natural disaster is merely an executive order waiting to happen.
His final proclamation echoed throughout the Empire:
"Under my leadership, America will NEVER burn again! Except with excitement. Tremendous excitement. The greatest excitement in history! And believe me, nobody needs a permit for THAT!"
AVE TRUMPIUS! Emperor of the Flames, Supreme Commander of Firefighting Foam, Protector of the Imperial Forests, and the only Caesar who believes even Mother Nature must obey his executive orders!
