ROMA WASHINGTONIA – PALATIUM AUREUM, October 28, 2026.
A tremendous earthquake shook the marble columns of the mighty Imperium Americanum!
Was it an invasion of barbarian hordes? A rebellion in the Senate? Perhaps an unusually enthusiastic military parade featuring golden elephants?
NO! SOMETHING MUCH WORSE!
Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Trade Deficits, Protector of American Screws, Supreme Defender of Industrial Greatness, and the Greatest Emperor Ever to Wear a Golden Crown, had discovered a terrifying new threat to his magnificent empire.
FOREIGN ROBOTS!
"ROBOTS! TERRIBLE FOREIGN ROBOTS!" thundered the Emperor from his enormous golden throne, while his Praetorian Guard immediately began inspecting every coffee machine in the palace for suspicious foreign components.
"They're coming into our country! They're turning our screws! They're operating our factories! Some of these machines work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and they don't even stop to applaud my incredible speeches! VERY DISRESPECTFUL! NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT!"
The imperial scribes immediately announced a glorious new proclamation under the ancient and extremely powerful Lex Mercatoria CCXXXII, the legendary trade law granting His Imperial Magnificence the authority to investigate whether foreign industrial imports threaten the security of his beloved empire.
Because in the Imperium Americanum, one sacred principle stands above all others:
If Trumpius Caesar didn't manufacture it, it might be a threat to civilization.
I. The Invasion of the Mechanical Barbarians
The Imperial Secretary of Commerce, Mercatorius Commercius Maximus, entered the Senate carrying a frightening report.
The empire, he explained, depended on countless robots, industrial machines, and mechanical components that were not manufactured within its own sacred borders.
A NATIONAL DISASTER!
"We use foreign machines to manufacture American products!" Mercatorius announced, trembling with patriotic outrage. "Some of our factories cannot even operate without imported equipment!"
Trumpius Caesar immediately leaped from his throne.
"THEN WE WILL BUILD AMERICAN ROBOTS! BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN ROBOTS! Robots that build American robots, which build even more American robots! The greatest robot dynasty in the history of the world! BIGGER THAN ROME! BIGGER THAN ANYTHING!"
A nervous senator cautiously raised his hand.
"But, Your Imperial Greatness, what machines will we use to manufacture the first American robots?"
The entire chamber fell silent.
Trumpius slowly turned toward the senator.
"That sounds like a very negative question. A very nasty question. Frankly, I don't think you understand how greatness works."
The senator was immediately awarded the prestigious title of Praefectus Quaestionum Inutilium — Supreme Commissioner of Completely Unnecessary Questions — and reassigned to guard an abandoned conveyor belt in a remote imperial warehouse.
II. National Security Begins With a Washer and a Bolt
The imperial administration explained that industrial robots and machinery were essential to nearly every modern industry, including military production, infrastructure, transportation, and advanced manufacturing.
This revelation deeply disturbed His Imperial Magnificence.
"Imagine," Trumpius declared, raising one perfectly manicured imperial finger, "our magnificent American catapults depending on foreign gears! What happens if those gears suddenly decide to become COMMUNIST?"
The entire Senate gasped.
Mercatorius Commercius immediately ordered a full investigation into every suspicious metallic object throughout the empire.
Imported screwdrivers were interrogated.
Foreign-made wrenches were placed under surveillance.
Even ordinary washers were instructed to provide documentation proving their loyalty to American industrial greatness.
One imported factory robot was arrested after continuing to assemble automobile components during an imperial speech.
"A DISGRACEFUL ACT OF MECHANICAL DISLOYALTY!" announced the palace spokesperson.
The Emperor responded by mobilizing the legendary Legio Mechanica MAGA, an elite imperial fighting force composed of patriotic forklifts, extremely loyal welding robots, and an American-made industrial vacuum cleaner.
Their official motto:
MAKE AUTOMATIO GREAT AGAIN!
Unfortunately, the vacuum cleaner required a replacement motor imported from overseas.
The issue was immediately classified as a matter of national security.
III. The Great Machine Peace – Negotiated With a Golden Fist
To restore industrial glory, Trumpius Caesar dispatched two of his most trusted imperial servants.
Mercatorius Commercius Maximus, Grand Protector of Domestic Factories, would join forces with Negotiatus Tariffius Primus, Imperial Ambassador of Magnificent Trade Agreements.
Their mission was simple.
Negotiate with every foreign kingdom supplying robots, machinery, and industrial components to the Imperium Americanum.
The Emperor's conditions were remarkably generous.
Foreign nations could continue selling their machinery, provided that those imports did not threaten imperial security and Trumpius could conclude the negotiations by announcing an absolutely historic victory.
"We're going to make incredible deals!" he proclaimed. "Beautiful deals! The best deals ever negotiated! Even the robots will love these deals! People are saying robots are already asking to join MAGA!"
Should negotiations fail, the Emperor reserved the divine right to introduce additional measures.
Within hours, the palace was considering several revolutionary proposals.
Foreign robot arms might face special imperial duties.
Imported drilling machines might be required to swear allegiance to the Emperor.
Industrial equipment could be ordered to bow before a twenty-foot golden statue of Trumpius Caesar upon entering American territory.
One particularly enthusiastic imperial adviser proposed fitting every imported robot with a bright red MAGA helmet.
"BRILLIANT!" shouted Trumpius. "FINALLY, SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS INDUSTRIAL POLICY!"
IV. The Glorious History of Imperial Tariffs
The Emperor then reminded his loyal subjects of his legendary campaigns against foreign steel, aluminum, copper, automobiles, trucks, lumber, semiconductors, pharmaceuticals, polysilicon, and drones.
"I SAVED STEEL! I SAVED ALUMINUM! I SAVED COPPER! Nobody loves copper more than I do! Some people don't even know what copper is, but I know copper. Copper knows me. We have a tremendous relationship!"
The imperial historians dutifully recorded every achievement in the sacred chronicles known as the Historia Tariffica Magnifica.
According to the official doctrine of Trumpius economics, tariffs were not merely taxes on imports.
They were magnificent instruments of imperial greatness.
Occasionally, the empire's accountants dared to mention that higher import costs could also increase expenses for American manufacturers.
This was considered an extremely unpatriotic observation.
The chief imperial economist, Profitus Optimus, immediately introduced an innovative economic theory.
"If an imported machine becomes more expensive," he explained, "it must obviously be more valuable! And if everything becomes more valuable, the empire must automatically become richer!"
The Senate erupted in thunderous applause.
Trumpius Caesar declared the theory the greatest economic discovery since the invention of money.
All imperial accountants were instructed to make their calculations more patriotic.
V. Trillions, Triumphs, and the Golden Industrial Future
His Imperial Magnificence then celebrated the enormous private and foreign investment commitments that his administration attributed to trade negotiations and the strategic use of tariffs.
"TRILLIONS! BEAUTIFUL TRILLIONS!" Trumpius shouted.
"More investment than anyone has ever seen! Factories everywhere! Jobs everywhere! Machines everywhere! Even Julius Caesar would have sold his laurel wreath to get investment numbers like mine!"
The Senate rose in a standing ovation.
Three imperial officials fainted from patriotic excitement.
A finance minister passionately kissed a calculator.
And in the magnificent Imperial Manufacturing Palace, a newly developed American industrial robot began producing golden busts of Trumpius Caesar at extraordinary speed.
Unfortunately, the machine contained an imported control chip.
An uncomfortable silence filled the room.
Mercatorius Commercius approached the throne.
"Your Imperial Greatness, the robot is American, but its processor comes from overseas."
Trumpius narrowed his eyes.
"THEN WE WILL MAKE THE CHIP AMERICAN!"
"But, Your Majesty, the equipment needed to manufacture the chip is also imported."
"THEN WE WILL BUILD THE MACHINES THAT BUILD THE CHIPS!"
"And the machines required to build those machines?"
Trumpius rose to his full imperial height.
"WE WILL BUILD THOSE TOO! WE WILL BUILD EVERYTHING! MACHINES BUILDING MACHINES BUILDING MACHINES! IT WILL BE SO AMERICAN THAT EVEN THE SCREWS WILL SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!"
The Senate applauded for several magnificent minutes.
Some senators continued applauding simply because they were afraid to be the first to stop.
VI. The Final Edict of the Machine Emperor
At sunset, Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus appeared upon the golden balcony of the Palatium Aureum to deliver his final imperial proclamation.
"My beloved citizens of the greatest empire in history! We are bringing back American manufacturing! We are bringing back American robots! We are bringing back American gears, American bolts, American conveyor belts, and perhaps even American toasters!"
The crowd roared.
"One day, every machine in our glorious empire will be proudly American! Every robot will weld patriotically! Every screw will shine with freedom! Every gear will know exactly who made its greatness possible!"
The Praetorian Guard saluted.
Golden trumpets sounded.
The imperial banners fluttered majestically.
And somewhere, deep inside a magnificent American factory, a foreign-made industrial robot suddenly stopped working.
Not because of sabotage.
Not because of rebellion.
Not because it secretly supported a rival empire.
But because its urgently needed replacement part was still being held at imperial customs.
The factory manager immediately sent a desperate message to the palace.
Trumpius Caesar studied the report, smiled triumphantly, and declared:
"SEE? THE TARIFFS ARE WORKING! THE FOREIGN MACHINES HAVE FINALLY STOPPED!"
AVE TRUMPIUS! MORITURI AUTOMATURI TE SALUTANT!
Hail Trumpius! The machines that are about to shut down salute you!
