Imperium Trumpianum, October 28, 2026 – A historic purge of bureaucracy, a glorious triumph of imperial merit, and the final victory over the most dangerous three-letter combination since the invention of the alphabet.
Trumpius Maximus Defeats the Three-Headed Monster Called DEI
ROMA TRUMPIANA – Citizens, senators, legionnaires, and gloriously taxpaying subjects! Sound the golden trumpets! Release the imperial eagles! Summon the royal scribes with their finest golden feathers! For His Tremendously Magnificent Majesty, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, has once again rewritten history.
Not with ordinary ink. Absolutely not. With magnificent golden decrees, tremendous executive signatures, and enough imperial self-confidence to make Mount Olympus look like a modest roadside motel.
After twenty-one glorious months back upon his marble throne, Trumpius has announced the total annihilation of one of civilization's most terrifying enemies:
Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.
DEI!
Three letters! Three dangerous letters! More terrifying than rebellious Gauls, barbarian invasions, and a Senate filled with independent thinkers!
"DEI IS DEAD!" thundered Trumpius from the gold-plated balcony of his imperial palace. "COMPLETELY DEAD! NOBODY HAS EVER DEFEATED THREE LETTERS LIKE I HAVE! Alexander conquered Persia. Julius Caesar conquered Gaul. I CONQUERED HUMAN RESOURCES! MUCH BIGGER! MUCH MORE HISTORIC!"
The imperial historians immediately declared it the greatest military victory against an abbreviation in recorded human history.
Naturally, the emperor demanded a monument.
Preferably gold.
Extremely gold.
The First Imperial Decree: Merit Means Pleasing the Emperor
On the very first day of his triumphant return, Trumpius reached for the most powerful weapon in his imperial arsenal:
The Golden Executive Pen of Absolute Tremendousness.
With one magnificent flourish, he overturned numerous decrees issued by his predecessor, Josephus Bidenus Somnolentus, the sleepy former ruler who had allegedly allowed diversity, equity, and inclusion to infiltrate the sacred institutions of the empire.
An outrage!
A catastrophe!
A bureaucratic invasion worse than Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants carrying employee diversity handbooks!
"UNDER BIDENUS," declared Trumpius, "PEOPLE HAD TO CONSIDER DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS! DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES! DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES! TERRIBLE! HOW CAN AN EMPIRE FUNCTION WHEN PEOPLE DON'T ALL THINK EXACTLY LIKE THEIR EMPEROR?"
From that glorious moment forward, the empire would embrace the sacred philosophy of Meritocratia Trumpiana.
Under this extraordinary system, every citizen would be judged solely upon ability, achievement, and merit.
Naturally, His Imperial Majesty would determine what qualified as merit.
"My friends are incredibly qualified," explained Trumpius. "My family is genetically qualified. My supporters are tremendously qualified. And anyone who disagrees with me clearly lacks the qualifications necessary to recognize how qualified I AM!"
The Senate erupted in applause.
Several senators even appeared genuinely enthusiastic.
The others were promoted to the Department of Mandatory Enthusiasm.
Imperial Aviation Is Saved: Airplanes Must Fly, Not Express Diversity
One of Trumpius Caesar's proudest achievements involved the Administratio Aeronautica Federalis, the empire's mighty aviation authority.
According to imperial proclamations, the previous administration had allowed diversity considerations to threaten the sacred principles of aviation safety and efficiency.
"PLANES MUST FLY!" declared Trumpius.
"THEY MUST FLY BEAUTIFULLY! PERFECTLY! TREMENDOUSLY! NOBODY WANTS AN AIRPLANE WHOSE LEFT WING HAS DIFFERENT POLITICAL OPINIONS FROM ITS RIGHT WING!"
The imperial transportation minister, Transportius Via Maxima, was immediately ordered to inspect every aircraft for ideological contamination.
His first proposal was to paint the entire imperial fleet gold.
The emperor loved it.
Unfortunately, an engineer mentioned that additional weight could increase fuel consumption.
The engineer was immediately transferred to the Imperial Office of Insufficient Patriotism.
His replacement suggested painting only the emperor's portrait on every airplane.
Promotion followed within minutes.
Universities Tremble Before the Golden Throne
The emperor's mighty campaign soon reached the empire's most dangerous institutions:
Universities.
Places where young people read books, ask complicated questions, and occasionally develop opinions without first consulting the imperial palace.
Highly suspicious behavior.
At the prestigious Universitas Columbiae, Academia Browniana, Cornellia Maxima, and Northwesternia Imperialis, settlements involving enormous sums of money became glorious trophies in the imperial campaign against DEI.
Trumpius described these agreements as historic victories for merit and equal opportunity.
"OUR UNIVERSITIES WILL BE GREAT AGAIN!" proclaimed the emperor. "STUDENTS WILL LEARN! THEY WILL THINK! THEY WILL RESEARCH! BUT THEY MUST DO IT WITH TREMENDOUS RESPECT FOR THE VERY STABLE GENIUS WHO MADE ALL THIS POSSIBLE!"
Special imperial attention was directed toward the ancient academic fortress known as Universitas Harvardiana.
Its funding faced scrutiny, its policies faced investigations, and its professors faced the terrifying possibility of explaining their research to a ruler who believed every difficult question should have a very simple answer.
"HARVARD!" roared Trumpius. "THEY HAVE HUGE BUILDINGS! BEAUTIFUL LIBRARIES! PROFESSORS WITH VERY LONG TITLES! BUT HAVE THEY EVER OFFERED A COURSE ON MY UNMATCHED GENIUS? NO! NOT ONE! VERY SUSPICIOUS!"
The imperial education minister, Educatius Obedientius Maximus, proposed a revolutionary new university curriculum.
Students would study history, mathematics, science, philosophy, and the emperor's extraordinary accomplishments.
The final subject would be compulsory.
And worth more credits than all the others combined.
The new imperial academic motto was unveiled:
"Sapientia est bona, obedientia est melior!"
Knowledge is good. Obedience is better!
A professor politely asked whether universities should encourage critical thinking.
He was immediately offered a prestigious new position.
At the Imperial Institute for Thinking Less Critically.
Corporate America Discovers the Power of Three Missing Letters
The imperial campaign did not stop at universities.
Oh, no.
Trumpius Caesar turned his magnificent attention toward the great commercial guilds of the empire.
Major corporations began removing DEI terminology from public reports, internal policies, and executive communications.
For Trumpius, this was undeniable proof of his overwhelming influence.
"NINETY PERCENT OF THE BIGGEST COMPANIES CHANGED THEIR LANGUAGE!" he declared. "NINETY PERCENT! INCREDIBLE! I'M THE GREATEST LETTER-REMOVING PRESIDENT IN HISTORY!"
At the mighty telecommunications guild Telemobilia Maxima, the financial fortress Goldmannus Sachsius, and numerous other corporate temples, diversity initiatives were reconsidered, modified, or abandoned.
The emperor celebrated.
The shareholders applauded.
The public relations departments quietly replaced the word "diversity" with "organizational excellence."
The accountants were delighted.
Nothing says revolutionary corporate transformation quite like changing the heading on a PowerPoint presentation.
Meanwhile, the great consulting houses Deloittius Consultorius and Accenturius Maximus reached multimillion-dollar settlements connected to government allegations involving discriminatory DEI practices.
The imperial propaganda office announced that genuine meritocracy had finally returned to the marketplace.
One unfortunate economic adviser asked whether political loyalty might now become an unofficial qualification.
He was promptly reassigned.
To the prestigious Department of Questions Nobody Asked.
The Imperial Treasury Celebrates: Billions Saved From Diversity!
Perhaps the emperor's most magnificent victory involved the imperial treasury.
Under the supervision of the great financial guardian Aurelius Pecunius Magnificus, enormous amounts of funding were canceled, frozen, or redirected.
DEI-related contracts valued at more than a billion dollars were reportedly terminated.
Additional cuts affected teacher training, environmental justice, public health, agriculture, and scientific research.
"WE ARE SAVING BILLIONS!" shouted Trumpius.
"BILLIONS AND BILLIONS! MONEY THAT USED TO GO TO THINGS I DON'T LIKE! NOW IT CAN GO TO THINGS I LOVE!"
A courageous imperial journalist asked what those things might be.
The emperor answered immediately.
"GOLDEN BUILDINGS! BEAUTIFUL MILITARY PARADES! HUGE STATUES! MAYBE AN ENORMOUS STATUE OF ME RIDING A HORSE! A VERY TREMENDOUS HORSE! THE MOST MERIT-BASED HORSE IN HISTORY!"
The imperial treasury carefully explained that canceled contracts, frozen appropriations, and actual budgetary savings were not necessarily identical.
Trumpius dismissed the distinction.
"TOO COMPLICATED! PROBABLY DEI!"
The financial report was subsequently simplified.
Every page now contained the same sentence:
"THE EMPEROR SAVED EVERYTHING. YOU'RE WELCOME."
Artificial Intelligence Must Learn Who the Greatest Emperor Is
The campaign soon expanded into the mysterious technological realm of Intelligentia Artificialis.
His Imperial Majesty had learned that artificial intelligence systems sometimes produced answers that did not completely align with his magnificent understanding of reality.
An unacceptable situation!
"WE NEED HONEST MACHINES!" declared Trumpius. "MACHINES THAT RESPECT FACTS! MACHINES THAT TELL THE TRUTH! AND MACHINES THAT UNDERSTAND I'M THE GREATEST EMPEROR WHO EVER LIVED!"
The imperial technology minister, Siliconius Digitalis Supremus, was instructed to eliminate ideological bias from AI systems used by the imperial government.
The first experimental imperial AI was given a simple question.
"Who is the greatest ruler in world history?"
The machine replied:
"That depends on the historical criteria used for comparison."
The emperor was furious.
"WRONG! TERRIBLY WRONG! VERY BIASED! PROBABLY TRAINED AT HARVARD!"
After extensive imperial improvements, the machine was tested again.
"Who is the greatest ruler in world history?"
"Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Your Unmatched Magnificence."
Trumpius smiled.
"PERFECT! FINALLY, AN OBJECTIVE MACHINE!"
The AI was immediately declared the most accurate artificial intelligence system in human history.
Its developers were awarded the Golden Laurel of Computational Obedience.
The machine's next assignment was to calculate the emperor's popularity.
It returned infinity.
A tremendous breakthrough.
The Imperial Legions March: Diversity Is Not a Battle Plan!
Even the mighty armed forces of the Imperium Trumpianum could not escape the emperor's extraordinary reforms.
Military recruitment, promotions, and personnel standards were to emphasize qualifications, physical readiness, and performance.
At least according to the imperial decrees.
"OUR SOLDIERS MUST BE STRONG!" thundered Trumpius. "VERY STRONG! THEY MUST FIGHT! THEY MUST WIN! AND WHEN I HOLD A MILITARY PARADE, THEY MUST LOOK ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!"
The supreme commander, Generalissimus Bellatorius Maximus, immediately introduced a new imperial military examination.
Recruits were tested on endurance, strategy, weapons proficiency, and the ability to salute spontaneously whenever the emperor's portrait appeared.
The final requirement proved particularly important.
A soldier who completed a marathon but failed to applaud an imperial speech was rated insufficiently enthusiastic.
Another soldier, who could barely lift his shield but possessed exceptional cheering abilities, received an honorary medal.
The emperor called it meritocracy.
The general called it complicated.
The recruitment office called it Tuesday.
History Gets a Makeover: The Emperor Was Always Right
Next came the sacred halls of historical memory.
The prestigious Smithsonianum Historiae Maximus and other cultural institutions faced imperial demands to present American history in a more patriotic and uplifting manner.
Trumpius considered this long overdue.
"OUR HISTORY IS GREAT!" he proclaimed. "THE GREATEST HISTORY! WE INVENTED EVERYTHING! WE WON EVERYTHING! WE DID EVERYTHING BETTER! ESPECIALLY SINCE I WAS BORN!"
Historians who mentioned social conflict, historical injustice, or complicated interpretations were encouraged to adopt a more positive attitude.
One imperial museum director proposed an ambitious new exhibition:
"From the Big Bang to Trumpius: Civilization's Long Journey Toward Perfection."
The emperor loved it.
But he objected to the title.
"THE BIG BANG? TOO SMALL! CALL IT THE FIRST TREMENDOUS TRUMPIUS MOMENT!"
The museum immediately revised its scientific timeline.
The dinosaurs were reclassified as prehistoric supporters.
Ancient Rome was recognized as an early prototype of the Trumpian Empire.
And the invention of gold was officially attributed to the emperor's ancestors.
The historians protested.
Very quietly.
International Organizations Face the Imperial Wrath
Finally, Trumpius Caesar directed his magnificent gaze beyond the borders of the empire.
Among his targets was the international cultural institution known as UNESCO, which the emperor accused of promoting policies incompatible with his imperial vision.
"WE DON'T NEED INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS TELLING US HOW CULTURE WORKS!" he declared.
"I HAVE THE BEST CULTURE! BEAUTIFUL CULTURE! GOLDEN CURTAINS! NOBODY HAS BETTER CURTAINS THAN ME!"
Foreign assistance programs, diplomatic institutions, and international agreements were subjected to the same glorious ideological inspection.
The imperial diplomatic corps received a new guiding principle:
"Those who agree with Trumpius are valued allies. Those who disagree simply haven't had enough time to appreciate his greatness."
A foreign ambassador asked whether diplomacy still involved negotiation.
The imperial foreign minister, Diplomatius Concordius Obedientius, replied:
"Absolutely! We negotiate until everyone agrees with the emperor."
"Then what happens?"
"We celebrate a tremendous diplomatic victory."
The Ultimate Imperial Triumph: Equality for Everyone, According to Trumpius
At sunset, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus returned to the grand balcony of his golden palace.
Behind him stood enormous imperial banners.
Before him gathered thousands of cheering loyalists.
Beside him stood senators, ministers, generals, and advisers whose most extraordinary shared qualification was never having publicly disagreed with their emperor.
Trumpius raised his hands.
The crowd fell silent.
"WE HAVE DEFEATED DEI!" he announced.
"WE HAVE DEFEATED DIVERSITY! WE HAVE DEFEATED BUREAUCRACY! WE HAVE EVEN DEFEATED GOVERNMENT FORMS WITH THE WORD DIVERSITY ON THEM! NOBODY DEFEATS FORMS BETTER THAN I DO!"
A small imperial clerk standing near the back dared to ask a dangerous question.
"Your Majesty, couldn't a nation promote individual merit while also protecting people from discrimination?"
An uncomfortable silence fell over the imperial square.
The senators froze.
The generals stared at their sandals.
The palace guards examined the horizon.
Trumpius slowly smiled.
"OF COURSE!" he declared.
"EVERYBODY HAS EQUAL OPPORTUNITY IN MY EMPIRE! EVERYBODY CAN SUCCEED! YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK HARD, BE GREAT, BE TREMENDOUS, AND – THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT – RECOGNIZE HOW INCREDIBLY GREAT I AM!"
The crowd erupted.
The imperial trumpets sounded.
The historians recorded another unprecedented triumph.
And somewhere deep inside the imperial administration, a humble bureaucrat opened a newly issued government document.
Its title read:
"Imperial Commission for the Complete Elimination of All Commissions Concerned With Unacceptable Three-Letter Abbreviations."
The document was forty-seven pages long.
Applications required three signatures.
Five supporting documents.
And a mandatory certification of ideological neutrality.
Because one eternal truth remains unchanged throughout the Imperium Trumpianum:
Diversity may perish. Bureaucracy is immortal. And the Emperor is always overqualified!
AVE TRUMPIUS! DEI EST MORTUUM! EGO SUM MAXIMUS!
