An Imperial Proclamation from the Palatium Aureum in Trumpopolis, on the XXIX Day of October, in the Most Glorious Year MMXXVI.
ROMA TRUMPIANA — Citizens of the Empire! Honorable Senators! Loyal taxpayers! Proud owners of wallets containing at least three coins and a grocery receipt!
Prepare yourselves for the greatest economic miracle in the entire history of civilization!
His Supreme and Most Magnificent Majesty, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Savior of Wallets, Conqueror of Inflation, Supreme Egg-Price Reducer, and Eternal Financial Genius of the Known Universe, has accomplished the impossible!
He has returned money to the people!
REAL MONEY!
Beautiful money! Tremendous money! The greatest money anyone has ever seen!
Not empty promises. Not imaginary prosperity. Actual, glorious, imperial wealth!
And just as the citizens begin celebrating their newfound riches, sinister figures emerge from the marble shadows of the Imperial Senate.
The dreaded Democratius Socialisticus Radikalis!
Their mission?
To steal every last coin!
And possibly the wallets themselves!
I. The Greatest Economic Miracle Since Money Was Invented!
It all began with an imperial announcement so magnificent that the gods themselves reportedly dropped their golden goblets.
In less than two glorious years, Trumpius Caesar had supposedly transformed the Empire into the wealthiest civilization ever to exist.
Millions of jobs!
Trillions in investments!
Historic tax cuts!
Rising wages!
Falling poverty!
Factories returning from the distant lands of the Barbarians!
An economic triumph so extraordinary that even Mercurius, the god of commerce, considered surrendering his divine business license.
"Nobody has ever created prosperity like me!" Trumpius Caesar proclaimed from his gold-plated balcony.
"Not Julius Caesar! Not Augustus! Not even the guy who invented money! Great guy, by the way. Probably a tremendous supporter of mine. Very smart. Very successful. Almost as successful as me!"
The Imperial Department of Economic Miracles immediately confirmed every single achievement.
Well, almost every achievement.
A few inconvenient statistics were still being adjusted.
But those were clearly the fault of the previous emperor, Bidenus Forgetticus Maximus, whose disastrous reign allegedly caused everything from inflation to uncomfortable sandals.
II. The Terrifying Conspiracy of the Socialist Wallet Snatchers!
While golden fountains sparkle throughout the Palatium Aureum, dark forces are gathering inside the Senate.
The Democratius Socialisticus Radikalis have returned!
And according to the Imperial Ministry of Predictable Catastrophes, they are preparing the greatest financial robbery in human history!
Their alleged agenda could cost ordinary families more than $35,000 every single year!
Over an entire decade?
An astonishing $355,000!
Enough money to purchase a modest home, several luxury chariots, or approximately two decorative golden toilet brushes from the Emperor's exclusive merchandise collection.
"These people are CRAZY!" thundered Trumpius Caesar.
"They want your money! Your homes! Your cars! Your eggs! Your chickens! Maybe even your mother-in-law! Although, frankly, we could probably negotiate that last one!"
The Imperial Treasury warned that the radical opposition might nearly triple federal tax rates and dramatically reduce workers' take-home pay.
These terrifying forecasts were produced by the Emperor's most trusted economic prophets.
Extremely intelligent prophets.
The best prophets.
Prophets who understand that predicting disaster is much easier when nobody expects you to explain your calculations.
And should the predictions prove inaccurate?
Simple!
The future will be declared FAKE NEWS.
III. The Green New Scamus – When Even Horses Need Charging Stations!
Of all the threats facing the Empire, none is more horrifying than the mysterious movement known as the Greenius Climaticus Extremus.
Their outrageous ambitions supposedly include wind turbines, solar panels, electric vehicles, and an alarming lack of enthusiasm for burning enormous quantities of fuel.
A civilization-ending nightmare!
"ELECTRIC CHARIOTS!" Trumpius Caesar roared in disbelief.
"Can you imagine? We used to have horses! Beautiful horses! Strong horses! Tremendous horses! And now these lunatics want to plug our chariots into WALLS!"
The Emperor paused dramatically.
"What's next? Electric gladiators? Solar-powered lions? Wind-powered Colosseums? Maybe they'll make the Roman Empire run on recycled lettuce!"
The Imperial Ministry of Extremely Large Numbers claimed the green agenda could cost trillions of dollars.
TRILLIONS!
A figure so enormous that Roman accountants reportedly exhausted the entire alphabet trying to write it down.
Trumpius Caesar immediately announced a bold new energy policy.
Every loyal citizen would be entitled to a patriotic combustion engine.
Even for their toaster.
"We're bringing back REAL breakfast!" he declared.
"Gasoline-powered toast! Beautiful toast! Nobody makes toast like we do!"
IV. Free Universities, Open Borders, and the End of Imperial Dungeons!
But the horrors do not end with electric chariots.
The Socialisticus Gratismaximus allegedly have even more terrifying plans.
Free college!
Universal healthcare!
Open borders!
And, according to the imperial warnings, perhaps even a future without prisons!
"A world without prisons!" Trumpius Caesar gasped.
"Can you imagine that? Everybody gets educated! Everybody gets a doctor! Nobody goes to jail! Where are we supposed to put the people who disagree with us? In FREE STUDENT HOUSING?"
The Senate fell silent.
Senator Marcus Profitus Privatus, owner of several highly profitable private dungeons, immediately collapsed.
His business empire was under threat!
The Emperor rushed to reassure him.
"Don't worry, Marcus! Under my administration, prisons will remain a tremendous growth industry. And if we run out of criminals, we'll simply discover some exciting new regulations!"
The senators erupted in applause.
Marcus regained consciousness.
Dungeon stocks soared.
Another incredible economic victory!
V. The Miraculous Multiplication of the Imperial Eggs!
Yet the greatest miracle of the Trumpius economy was not discovered on Wall Street.
It happened inside a chicken coop.
For His Imperial Majesty had supposedly reduced the prices of everyday groceries!
Eggs!
Beef!
Chicken!
Pork!
Cheese!
Milk!
Baby formula!
Even the chickens themselves were reportedly overwhelmed by his economic brilliance.
"I personally negotiated with the chickens!" Trumpius Caesar announced.
"Wonderful animals! Very loyal! Very productive! I told them: Listen, my feathered friends, the American people need cheaper eggs! And they said: CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!"
He smiled triumphantly.
"Which obviously means: YES, GREAT EMPEROR! WE LOVE YOUR ECONOMIC POLICIES!"
Within hours, Imperial Agriculture Minister Agricola Gallinarius Maximus presented a magnificent golden egg on a velvet cushion.
Its price?
12,000 imperial sesterces.
Unfortunately, it was not edible.
It was part of the Emperor's exclusive luxury egg collection.
"SEE?" Trumpius Caesar shouted.
"Eggs are affordable again! Nobody has ever done more for chickens than I have! Nobody!"
The chickens refused to comment.
Their press secretary had recently been transferred to a poultry-processing facility.
VI. TrumpRx – The Divine Physician of the Palatine Hill!
Medicine itself has allegedly surrendered to the Emperor's genius.
Through the magnificent initiative known as TrumpRx Divinus Medicus, prescription drug prices are supposedly being conquered like rebellious barbarian provinces.
"Medicine used to be expensive!" Trumpius Caesar explained.
"Very expensive! Terribly expensive! Then I came along and said: MAKE IT CHEAPER! And suddenly, tremendous savings! That's how economics works!"
The Imperial Physicians' Guild listened nervously.
After centuries of medical research, complicated clinical trials, and sophisticated pharmaceutical development, they were discovering that everything could apparently be solved through a single imperial command.
Senator Lucius Pharmaceuticus Nervosus cautiously raised his hand.
"Your Majesty, does your extraordinary method also cure actual illnesses?"
The Emperor looked astonished.
"OF COURSE! First, we make the prices healthy. Then the patients become healthy. It's basic medicine, Lucius! Everybody knows that!"
The physicians applauded enthusiastically.
Particularly those hoping to keep their licenses.
To celebrate his medical breakthrough, Trumpius Caesar prescribed himself a double dose of public admiration.
Three times daily.
Preferably before meals.
And without any unpleasant side effects, such as fact-checking.
VII. The Divine Tariffs of Trumpius – Everybody Pays Except Us!
Then came the Emperor's greatest commercial revelation.
TARIFFS!
Beautiful tariffs!
Magnificent tariffs!
The most tremendous tariffs since the invention of customs officers!
Under the brilliant trade policies of Trumpius Caesar, foreign kingdoms were supposedly paying enormous sums into the imperial treasury.
"The Barbarians are paying for EVERYTHING!" the Emperor declared.
"The Germans! The Gauls! The Chinese! Everybody! They LOVE giving us money! They're practically begging us to take it!"
Imperial Finance Minister Aurelius Tariffus Confusus cautiously attempted to clarify the situation.
"Your Majesty, technically, tariffs are initially paid by importing businesses, and some of those costs may be passed on to consumers—"
The Emperor interrupted.
"Aurelius, you're a wonderful man. Tremendous man. But clearly you don't understand economics!"
Aurelius swallowed.
"Because if we had to pay the tariffs ourselves, why would I call them FOREIGN tariffs? Think about it! Very simple! Very beautiful!"
Aurelius was immediately promoted to the prestigious position of Imperial Special Envoy for Complicated Truths of No Political Importance.
An extraordinary honor.
No office.
No staff.
No salary.
And absolutely no permission to speak.
Another successful government efficiency reform!
VIII. The Final Defeat of Communism – For the Seventeenth Time!
At last, the Emperor rose from his golden throne.
Imperial trumpets thundered!
Golden eagles soared!
The senators stood at attention!
A nervous servant quietly added several bags of coins to the imperial treasury.
Trumpius Caesar raised his hands toward the heavens.
"UNDER MY LEADERSHIP, THIS EMPIRE WILL NEVER BECOME COMMUNIST!"
The crowd roared.
"NEVER! NOT TODAY! NOT TOMORROW! NOT EVEN ON TUESDAY!"
Thunderous applause shook the palace.
And then the Emperor revealed the greatest economic formula ever conceived by the human mind.
A formula so simple, so brilliant, and so breathtakingly convenient that future generations would surely study it in marble-covered business schools.
"If you're making more money, IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!"
The crowd cheered.
"If you're making less money, IT'S BECAUSE OF THE DEMOCRATIUS!"
The crowd roared.
"If prices go down, I'M A GENIUS!"
The senators applauded.
"If prices go up, BLAME THE BARBARIANS!"
The palace erupted.
"And if you still don't have enough money, perhaps your wallet simply isn't BIG ENOUGH!"
The Imperial Ministry of Public Happiness immediately reported a record-breaking increase in national satisfaction.
A brand-new gold coin was commissioned to commemorate the historic occasion.
On the front?
The magnificent face of Trumpius Caesar.
On the back?
Also the magnificent face of Trumpius Caesar.
For prosperity, the Emperor explained, must be visible from BOTH SIDES!
And as the people celebrated another glorious economic miracle, the Imperial Treasury quietly announced that the commemorative coins would be available for purchase at a very reasonable price.
Plus shipping.
Plus handling.
Plus an imperial appreciation fee.
Plus tariffs.
AVE TRUMPIUS CAESAR!
May his glory last forever, may his economic forecasts never be audited, and may the citizens retain just enough pocket change to purchase their next official Imperial Victory Coin!
