ROMA NOVA — Citizens! Senators! Taxpayers! Merchants! And all other fortunate inhabitants of the greatest empire ever constructed, conquered, financed, or imagined!
An economic miracle has occurred!
The imperial treasury is overflowing! Factory chimneys are smoking! Merchants are dancing on mountains of gold! And somewhere in a dark basement, terrified economists are desperately attempting to burn their forecasts before anyone notices!
Because Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Recessions, Supreme Commander of Capitalism, Defender of the Almighty Dollar, and Self-Proclaimed Inventor of Gross Domestic Product, has done it AGAIN!
The economy of the mighty Imperium Americanum has expanded at an annualized rate of 3.4 percent!
"THREE POINT FOUR!" thundered the Emperor from his magnificent golden balcony overlooking the Palatium Album.
"A BEAUTIFUL NUMBER! A TREMENDOUS NUMBER! Some people are saying it's the greatest number since numbers were invented! Frankly, I could have made it much higher, but my mathematicians begged me to save a few percentage points for next quarter!"
The assembled senators applauded so enthusiastically that several suffered severe damage to their expensive golden bracelets.
One particularly loyal senator fainted from admiration.
He was immediately appointed Minister of Economic Enthusiasm.
The Investment Legions March — And Even the Factories Salute!
Under the glorious reign of Trumpius Caesar, investment is exploding with a force not witnessed since the Romans discovered that conquered territories could be taxed.
Private investment in factories, machinery, and other enormously expensive objects that make impressive noises increased at an annualized rate of 9.4 percent!
Even more spectacularly, business investment surged by nearly 13 percent!
"THIRTEEN!" exclaimed Trumpius.
"An incredible number! Absolutely incredible! Other emperors built roads. I build ECONOMIC MIRACLES! Augustus needed decades to make Rome magnificent. I do it between breakfast, golf, and a tremendously successful speech about myself!"
Across the empire, factories are rising, machines are arriving, and industrial production is supposedly roaring louder than a thousand gladiators discovering their retirement benefits have been canceled.
According to the imperial economic ministry, businesses are investing with unprecedented enthusiasm.
One factory owner reportedly declared:
"We're investing so much money that we need to construct additional warehouses just to store our investment plans!"
Trumpius immediately ordered a commemorative gold coin.
On the front: his portrait.
On the back: another portrait of himself.
"DIVERSIFICATION!" the Emperor proudly explained.
The Curse of Bidenius Sleepius: The Dark Ages of Tiny Percentages
Naturally, no imperial victory would be complete without remembering the terrible economic darkness supposedly inflicted upon the empire by the previous ruler.
Enter Josephus Bidenius Sleepius, the legendary Emperor of Afternoon Naps, Confused Speeches, and Tragically Unenthusiastic Growth Charts.
During the final year of his reign, comparable investment supposedly expanded by a miserable 2.3 percent!
"TWO POINT THREE!" Trumpius roared in disgust.
"That's not economic growth! That's the temperature of a badly heated Roman bathhouse!"
While Bidenius allegedly put entire economic provinces to sleep with endless speeches, Trumpius claims to have personally awakened the investment legions.
His weapons?
Tax cuts sharper than gladiator swords!
Deregulation faster than imperial chariots!
And energy dominance powerful enough to illuminate every golden statue of himself across the known world!
"My predecessor had economic advisers," Trumpius announced. "I have ECONOMIC INSTINCTS! Tremendous instincts! My instincts alone produce more GDP than several countries!"
The imperial historians carefully recorded this statement.
Unfortunately, none could determine the appropriate unit for measuring the GDP of an instinct.
The Oracles of Bloombergus Have Failed Again!
Perhaps the greatest humiliation of the day belonged to the economic prophets.
Those mysterious individuals who stare into spreadsheets, worship complicated formulas, and make predictions without first consulting the glorious Emperor.
According to the imperial announcement, 72 percent of economists surveyed by Bloombergus underestimated economic growth.
A catastrophe for the experts!
A magnificent holiday for Trumpius!
"SEVENTY-TWO PERCENT WERE WRONG!" the Emperor declared.
"INCREDIBLE! And the other twenty-eight percent? Probably just lucky! I, on the other hand, am ALWAYS RIGHT! Even when I'm wrong, reality is wrong!"
The chief imperial mathematician, Professor Calculatorius Maximus, immediately proposed a revolutionary new economic forecasting system.
Under the new system, a prediction is considered correct if Trumpius likes it.
All other predictions are sent directly to the Colosseum.
There, they must fight a fully grown inflation lion.
Meanwhile, the scholarly bureaucrats of the Congressional Budget Officium struggled to explain why growth exceeded their previous forecast of 2.2 percent.
"They should have asked ME!" Trumpius shouted.
"I would have predicted twelve percent! Maybe fifteen! We shouldn't be cheap when we're predicting greatness!"
Several economists quietly reconsidered their careers.
One reportedly applied for work as a gladiator.
"The risks are lower," he explained.
American Consumers Keep Spending — Even Their Wallets Demand Vacation!
The citizens of Imperium Americanum are also contributing enthusiastically to the imperial miracle.
Consumer spending advanced at an annualized rate of 3.8 percent.
Across the empire, citizens are shopping, ordering, purchasing, borrowing, and consuming with the kind of enthusiasm previously reserved for free bread and gladiatorial entertainment.
"Our people are buying EVERYTHING!" Trumpius announced.
"Bread! Chariots! Tunics! Beautiful golden household items! Things they don't even know how to use! THAT is confidence!"
One senator cautiously suggested that higher consumer spending does not necessarily mean every household feels financially comfortable.
The Emperor stared at him.
Silence filled the Senate.
Then Trumpius smiled.
"Congratulations! You have just been appointed Imperial Commissioner for Unnecessary Questions!"
The senator was immediately transferred to a remote province located approximately three thousand miles beyond the nearest economic opportunity.
Meanwhile, imperial merchants adopted a new patriotic slogan:
If you have money, spend it. If you don't have money, spend your optimism!
The imperial banking association celebrated by introducing the world's first gold-plated credit card.
Its interest rate was classified as a state secret.
Machines Instead of Luxury Goods: The Great Import Caravan
Another glorious sign of economic revival, according to the imperial proclamation, can be found in the empire's enormous trading caravans.
A record share of American goods imports now consists of capital equipment — machines, tools, and industrial technology used to manufacture even more things.
Meanwhile, consumer goods account for only 17 percent of imported merchandise, matching a historic low.
"YOU SEE?" Trumpius proclaimed.
"We're not importing unnecessary things anymore! We're importing MACHINES so we can manufacture our OWN unnecessary things! THAT is economic independence!"
The Senate erupted in applause.
Unfortunately, several scholars began discussing whether importing foreign machinery could truly be described as complete independence from foreign suppliers.
Trumpius immediately settled the matter.
"The moment a machine touches American soil, it becomes AMERICAN! Instantly! Even the screws develop patriotic feelings!"
A foreign machinery manufacturer reportedly laughed so hard that he nearly swallowed his calculator.
The Emperor interpreted this as further evidence of international admiration.
"Even our competitors are smiling!" he declared.
"They LOVE what we're doing!"
Tax Miracles, Golden Energy, and the Sacred Doctrine of America Primus!
For the imperial historians, the source of the economic miracle is perfectly obvious.
TRUMPIUS CAESAR.
Lower taxes? Trumpius!
Fewer regulations? Trumpius!
Higher investment? Trumpius!
Stronger consumer spending? Trumpius!
Unexpectedly pleasant weather during the imperial harvest festival?
Almost certainly Trumpius!
The Emperor even instructed his economic advisers to investigate whether the Earth's daily rotation could be officially classified as a presidential achievement.
"The sun rises EVERY SINGLE DAY under my leadership!" Trumpius explained.
"Very reliably! Incredible consistency! Many brilliant people have noticed!"
The imperial treasury considered issuing certificates of solar appreciation.
Meanwhile, the Emperor celebrated his energy doctrine, majestically named Energia Dominatio Maxima.
Oil must flow!
Gas must surge!
Electricity must thunder!
And every energy source must preferably generate enough power to illuminate another monument bearing the Emperor's magnificent face.
One brave senator suggested that economic performance might also depend upon monetary policy, technological innovation, global demand, and independent business decisions.
Trumpius looked at him carefully.
"Of course," he replied.
"But who ALLOWED those businesses to succeed during my presidency?"
He dramatically pointed both thumbs toward himself.
"ME!"
The Senate immediately approved the argument as scientifically magnificent.
The Greatest Economic Triumph Since the Invention of the Triumph Parade!
At sunset, Trumpius Caesar assembled his economic legions before the magnificent Palatium Album.
Before him stood senators, merchants, industrialists, accountants, financial prophets, and several statisticians who had not yet been properly gilded.
The imperial trumpets sounded.
Golden banners fluttered.
A marble bust of the Emperor was unveiled beside another marble bust of the Emperor.
Trumpius raised his arms.
"My beloved Romans! Our economy is GROWING! Our companies are INVESTING! Our citizens are SPENDING! Our experts are WRONG! And I AM MAGNIFICENT!"
Thunderous applause shook the palace.
Some senators clapped out of genuine admiration.
Others clapped out of habit.
Most clapped because the imperial guards were watching.
Then Trumpius delivered the greatest economic wisdom of his reign:
"In the old days, an economy had to grow for an emperor to be successful. TODAY, I simply become Emperor — and the economy KNOWS WHAT TO DO!"
The crowd erupted.
A senator wept.
A banker fainted.
A particularly enthusiastic economist attempted to calculate the market value of imperial greatness before realizing that no spreadsheet contained enough columns.
Finally, Trumpius ordered the construction of the largest triumphal arch in economic history.
Its enormous columns would be shaped like rising bar charts.
Its roof would be constructed from golden dollar signs.
And its entrance would feature a colossal marble inscription:
VENI. VIDI. INVESTIVI.
I came. I saw. I invested.
The construction costs were immediately counted as additional investment.
As a result, economic output increased again.
Trumpius pointed triumphantly at the new figures.
"YOU SEE? EVEN MY MONUMENTS CREATE GROWTH!"
The imperial economists stood speechless.
The senators cheered.
The treasury accountants quietly requested stronger wine.
And as the golden sun descended upon the greatest empire in the history of self-congratulation, one final imperial proclamation echoed across every province:
"MAKE ROME GREAT AGAIN? WRONG! I ALREADY DID! NOW I'M MAKING THE ENTIRE ECONOMY BOW BEFORE ME!"
Ave Trumpius! Ave Pecunia! Ave Maximus GDP!
