A miracle has arrived at the imperial port of Corpus Crassus, Texania: one million barrels of oil from Venez Imperialis, delivered at absolutely no cost to the American taxpayer.
According to the White Palace, the transaction marks a historic breakthrough in the ancient art of getting something, announcing it loudly, and leaving the accounting department out of the photograph.
“This gives us control over a massive portion of the world’s oil,” proclaimed Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Caesar, Supreme Commander of Things That Have Just Arrived.
Behind him, a tanker quietly checked whether it was carrying quite that much.
He Came. He Saw. He Took Delivery.
The White Palace immediately declared the shipment historic, unprecedented, and impossible under any previous emperor, including those who had inconsiderately governed before oil was discovered.
Palace scribes used the word “historic” so frequently that their keyboards were granted veteran status.
Trumpius credited the achievement to his unmatched negotiating technique: receive oil, pay nothing, point at ship.
Treasury Prefect Freebius Maximus confirmed that the crude itself was free.
“Any questions concerning the rest of the arrangement will be answered at a separate historic event,” he explained, closing a very large folder.
One Million Down. Only 64,999 Shipments to Go.
Although the first delivery contained one million barrels, the imperial proclamation celebrated a grand total of 65 billion.
At the current shipment size, that would require 65,000 deliveries. The palace considers the first one sufficient grounds for a victory parade covering the other 64,999.
“The remaining barrels are in various stages of imperial fulfillment,” explained Chief Accountant Barrelus Giganticus. “Some are on the horizon. Some are in the agreement. An especially impressive number have already arrived in His Majesty’s remarks.”
Officials also announced that the arrangement would more than double the strategic reserves. Supporting documentation consisted of a gold chart showing a small oil barrel beside a much larger portrait of Trumpius.
The portrait was labeled “To Scale.”
Gas Pumps Ordered to Lower Prices Immediately
The oil will be refined in Texania, support American jobs, and send gasoline and diesel prices plunging, according to a decree already forwarded to every gas pump in the empire.
The instructions were brief:
“DOWN. BIGLY. BY ORDER OF CAESAR.”
Several stations initially continued displaying prices determined by supply, demand, and other suspiciously unelected forces.
The White Palace is investigating whether certain decimal points have ties to the Democratic Senate.
Energy Secretary Petroleus Praiseworthy dismissed concerns.
“Once the market finishes reading the press release, we expect full cooperation.”
A commemorative “I LOWERED THAT” sticker has already entered production. The price space has been left blank pending obedience.
An Entire Hemisphere Becomes a Capital City
From Alaska Borealis to Texania Magna, Trumpius is unleashing such overwhelming energy dominance that the entire Western Hemisphere has been declared the energy capital of the world.
Geographers objected that a hemisphere cannot be a city.
Their objections were referred to the Department of Very Small Thinking.
Meanwhile, the emperor announced another crushing defeat for the Green New Scamus, a sinister alliance of windmills, sunlight, and people who keep bringing up next summer.
“No other administration could have accomplished this,” the White Palace confirmed, citing an independent assessment conducted by the White Palace.
Trumpius concluded the ceremony by ordering one million golden laurel wreaths for the American people.
Delivery is expected with the remaining oil.
