Washingtonium, November V, MMXXVI. – Let the trumpets sound throughout the Empire of Americanum! His Most Tremendously Magnificent Majesty, Imperator Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, Conqueror of Bureaucracy, Illuminator of Fountains, and Supreme Guardian of Golden Doorknobs, has accomplished another historic miracle: His very own office shall become a National Monument!
The Ovalum Sacrum Trumpianum, previously just an ordinary chamber for world-changing decrees, monumental monologues, and occasional telephone conversations with foreign peasants, shall henceforth enjoy imperial protection.
"Nobody has ever had a more oval office than me!" proclaimed Trumpius Caesar before a marble bust of himself. "Other emperors had palaces. I have an OVAL! Geometrically superior! Everybody knows it!"
I. The Holy Trinity of Imperial Bureaucracy
Under the magnificent new Proclamatio Magnificentissima, three sacred chambers shall receive the highest honors of the Empire.
First comes the Ovalum Sacrum, where the Emperor governs the known world whenever he isn't distracted by his own reflection.
Second, the Outer Ovalum Minor, where imperial officials patiently await audiences that may or may not happen before the next election.
And finally, the Concilium Cabinetum, where ministers gather to nod enthusiastically while Trumpius Caesar explains why every previous civilization collapsed from an insufficient number of golden curtains.
The administration of this sacred complex shall fall to the honorable Interiorius Conservator Maximus, whose primary responsibility will be ensuring that no imperial furniture is moved without an extensive historical impact assessment.
Moving a chair shall require three official reports, two expert consultations, and personal authorization from the Emperor.
Naturally, additional gold decorations shall be exempt.
Gold, by imperial definition, is always restoration.
II. The Desk Where History Takes a Seat
For nearly a century, the Oval Office has served as the workplace of American presidents.
But only under Trumpius Caesar, according to imperial historians, has the room finally fulfilled its true historical destiny: accommodating a man whose self-confidence requires more square footage than the entire building.
"Washingtonius had his Revolution. Lincolnus had his Emancipation. Rooseveltus had his New Deal," explained imperial historian Chronicus Magnificus.
"Trumpius Caesar has his desk. And now he's protecting it for eternity!"
Particularly remarkable is the decision to elevate the Ovalum beyond its previous historic landmark status.
After all, a room personally occupied by Trumpius Caesar cannot possibly enjoy the same protection as some ordinary historical attraction.
"The Grand Canyon is impressive," declared the Emperor. "But does it have a Resolute Desk? NO! Does it have golden curtains? NO! Does it have ME? EXACTLY!"
The imperial historians applauded.
The Grand Canyon declined to comment.
III. Make Washingtonium Beautiful Again!
The sacred designation of the imperial office is merely the latest triumph in an unprecedented campaign of architectural magnificence.
Under the glorious banner "Fac Washingtonium Pulchrum Iterum!", Trumpius Caesar has already performed countless heroic deeds.
Graffiti has vanished from walls. Streetlights have been repaired. Fountains have regained their former dignity. Even the Reflecting Pool has been restored to its ancient purpose of reflecting things.
The Emperor was particularly delighted.
"Finally, a body of water capable of reflecting my greatness!" exclaimed Trumpius Caesar. "Beautiful! Tremendous! The greatest mirror since mirrors were invented!"
Meanwhile, imperial architecture shall return to the glorious traditions of antiquity.
Columns! Triumphal arches! Marble facades!
And gold.
Lots of gold.
So much gold that King Midas himself would require sunglasses during an official palace tour.
IV. The Triumphal Arch of Eternal Greatness
To celebrate the approaching anniversary of the Empire of Americanum, Trumpius Caesar has also envisioned the magnificent Arcus Triumphalis Trumpianus.
A monumental structure intended to remind future generations of the extraordinary greatness achieved under his reign.
The legendary National Garden of American Heroes shall likewise rise again.
However, rumors are already circulating throughout the imperial court that every heroic statue might eventually receive a suspiciously familiar hairstyle.
"Pure coincidence!" insisted imperial sculptor Marmorius Auratus. "History simply favors golden hair and extremely confident facial expressions!"
The Emperor reportedly approved the designs after discovering that the statues looked remarkably presidential.
Especially the ones depicting ancient Roman generals.
V. The Ballroom of Infinite Magnificence
While the sacred Ovalum must now be protected from significant alterations, construction elsewhere in the imperial palace continues at an astonishing pace.
A gigantic new ballroom shall dramatically expand the White Palace's capacity to entertain foreign rulers, imperial dignitaries, and anyone sufficiently impressed by chandeliers.
All without costing the ordinary taxpayer a single denarius, according to the imperial court.
"A gift to eternity!" declared Trumpius Caesar. "The biggest balls! The most beautiful chandeliers! Nobody, absolutely NOBODY, has ever built a greater room for shaking hands!"
Imperial architect Columnus Giganticus has reportedly received instructions to accommodate foreign leaders, golden eagles, ceremonial guards, and at least twelve larger-than-life portraits of the Emperor.
An additional ceiling height has also been requested for occasions when Trumpius Caesar attends personally.
Not for structural reasons.
Simply to ensure that his ego has sufficient room to ascend.
VI. Immortality Begins with an Office Chair
By declaring his office a National Monument, Trumpius Caesar has taken another decisive step toward preserving his legacy forever.
Ordinary rulers must hope that future generations will remember their achievements.
Trumpius Caesar has discovered a more reliable strategy.
Protect the carpet first.
Imperial chroniclers are reportedly preparing the next historic proclamation.
Possible candidates for national monument status include the Emperor's personal golf cart, his golden fountain pen, and the television remote control from which countless world-changing decisions have allegedly originated.
Some particularly ambitious courtiers have even proposed designating every room Trumpius Caesar has ever entered as a protected national treasure.
Unfortunately, this would create a serious administrative problem.
Eventually, the entire Empire would have to be declared a National Monument.
And every citizen would need a preservation permit before rearranging the living room.
Thus spoke Trumpius Caesar at the conclusion of his magnificent proclamation:
"Other emperors left behind RUINS. I leave behind REAL ESTATE! BEAUTIFUL real estate! And mine is already protected before I've even moved out! NOBODY DOES HISTORY BETTER THAN ME!"
AVE TRUMPIUS CAESAR!
May his desk stand forever, may his carpet never wear thin, and may his ego never collide with the ceiling of his own magnificent monument!
