IMPERIUM TRUMPIANUM · IMPERIAL ECONOMIC CHRONICLES · NOVEMBER VI, MMXXVI
Romington, Imperium Americanum. Miracles are real! And when they aren't, His Most Magnificent Majesty, Emperor Donaldus Trumpius Caesar Maximus, simply orders a few.
His latest divine achievement? The complete resurrection of American manufacturing through two sacred instruments of imperial economic genius: tariffs and tax cuts.
Two magnificent economic magic wands capable, according to the Imperial Palace, of transforming abandoned factories into golden temples of prosperity.
"I BROUGHT MANUFACTURING BACK! PERSONALLY! WITH THESE BEAUTIFUL HANDS! NOBODY HAS BETTER INDUSTRIAL HANDS THAN ME!" proclaimed Trumpius Caesar while ceremoniously cutting a golden ribbon across an assembly line that hadn't even been plugged in yet.
The October Miracle: 165,000 Subjects Receive Jobs!
The imperial number priests of the Bureau Statisticus Maximus announced a revelation of biblical proportions: 165,000 new jobs in October!
More than 100,000 above expectations!
"THE EXPERTS WERE WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG! TERRIBLE EXPERTS! PROBABLY TRAINED BY SLEEPIUS BIDENUS HIMSELF!" thundered the Emperor.
Even more glorious: 19,000 new manufacturing jobs, supposedly the strongest monthly increase since 2023!
The Imperial Treasury immediately ordered all calculators to be gold-plated and issued a sacred decree:
From this day forward, every positive economic number shall be considered a personal victory of Trumpius Caesar.
Negative numbers will still be recorded, of course.
Under the official category: Treason Against Mathematics.
Tariffs: The Divine Miracle of Making Imports Expensive!
The Great Trumpius has discovered an economic law that centuries of economists somehow overlooked:
When you tax foreign goods, American factories apparently begin reproducing like rabbits.
"FOREIGN COUNTRIES PAY OUR TARIFFS! ALL OF THEM! EVEN COUNTRIES THAT DON'T KNOW THEY'RE COUNTRIES YET! IT'S INCREDIBLE!"
The inconvenient fact that American importers initially pay these tariffs, potentially passing the costs on to businesses and consumers, was dismissed by Imperial Economist Tariffus Maximus as "dangerous foreign arithmetic."
According to the imperial proclamation, 36 percent of equipment manufacturers have already returned production to American soil or are in the process of doing so.
Another 63 percent are investing in domestic production.
Naturally, Trumpius Caesar ordered every factory smokestack to be decorated with golden laurel wreaths.
"IF THERE'S SMOKE, THAT'S ECONOMIC GROWTH! IF THERE'S NO SMOKE, THAT'S CLEAN ECONOMIC GROWTH! EITHER WAY, WE WIN!"
Sleepius Bidenus and the Dark Age of Unemployed Screws
Under the disastrous reign of Sleepius Bidenus, the imperial chronicles claim, more than 200,000 manufacturing jobs disappeared.
"A TERRIBLE TIME! FACTORIES WERE CRYING! SCREWS WERE DEPRESSED! EVEN THE WELDING MACHINES HAD LOST HOPE!"
But since Trumpius triumphantly reclaimed his golden throne, the Imperial Palace claims more than 100,000 manufacturing jobs and 120,000 factory construction jobs have emerged.
Naturally, the Emperor takes personal credit for every single one.
A bakery in Ohio hires an apprentice?
TRUMPIUS!
A Detroit automobile factory expands production?
TRUMPIUS!
A janitor in Pennsylvania receives a brand-new broom?
THE GREATEST INDUSTRIAL RENAISSANCE IN HUMAN HISTORY!
By imperial decree, all new employment contracts must now be accompanied by a small golden portrait of the Emperor.
Preferably with a handwritten message:
You're welcome, America.
The Economy Grows – And So Does the Emperor's Laurel Crown!
The Imperial Ministry of Magnificent Statistics has more glorious news.
More than 1.25 million additional private-sector jobs since the imperial restoration!
Unemployment claims supposedly reaching a 57-year low!
The trade deficit shrinking by more than twelve percent!
American goods exports reaching record levels!
And the economy expanding by 3.4 percent in the third quarter!
"THREE POINT FOUR PERCENT! A BEAUTIFUL NUMBER! BUT UNDER MY LEADERSHIP, IT FEELS LIKE THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY PERCENT!"
His economic advisers cautiously suggested distinguishing between actual GDP growth and imperial enthusiasm.
They were immediately reassigned to the newly established Department of Unpatriotic Decimal Points.
Its first assignment: investigating why the number 3.4 refuses to become 34 merely because the Emperor demands it.
Higher Wages! Lower Unemployment! Bigger Statues!
The Imperial Palace also celebrates rising hourly wages, falling unemployment, and expanding production.
All magnificent developments, naturally.
But when an adviser mentioned that higher wages do not necessarily mean greater purchasing power if consumer prices also rise, Trumpius Caesar responded with the wisdom of a thousand golden economists.
"IF PEOPLE EARN MORE MONEY, THEY'RE RICHER! IF THINGS COST MORE MONEY, THAT MEANS THEY'RE MORE VALUABLE! IT'S CALLED WINNING TWICE!"
Treasury Minister Aurelius Dollarius immediately proposed replacing traditional inflation measurements with a revolutionary imperial classification system.
Low inflation would be called Beautiful Prosperity.
Moderate inflation would become Tremendous Prosperity.
And extremely high inflation?
Premium Luxury Prosperity.
The Emperor enthusiastically approved.
"WE'RE NOT RAISING PRICES! WE'RE RAISING THE PRESTIGE OF BUYING THINGS!"
The Ultimate Miracle: The Emperor Invented the Future!
At the conclusion of the Great Imperial Economic Proclamation, Trumpius Caesar stepped onto the golden balcony of his magnificent palace.
Behind him stood twelve marble statues of himself, each holding a calculator that displayed nothing but positive numbers.
The imperial trumpets sounded.
The golden eagles spread their wings.
And the Emperor addressed the people:
"WE BROUGHT BACK THE JOBS! WE BROUGHT BACK THE FACTORIES! WE BROUGHT BACK THE FUTURE! NOBODY HAS EVER BROUGHT BACK MORE THINGS THAN ME! MAYBE THE GREATEST BRINGING-BACK IN HISTORY!"
He then ordered construction of the world's largest triumphal arch, made entirely from American steel.
Its magnificent design shall feature golden employment statistics, enormous marble tariffs, and a mechanical bald eagle that applauds every time someone gets hired.
Naturally, the project will be financed entirely through tariffs.
And if those tariffs prove insufficient?
More tariffs!
Because in the glorious Imperium Trumpianum, there is one eternal economic truth:
When Trumpius Caesar cuts taxes, the economy grows. When he raises tariffs, the economy grows. And if the economy ever fails to grow, the calculator must have been MADE IN CHINA!
AVE TRUMPIUS! IMPERATOR FABRICARUM! REX TARIFFORUM! DOMINUS OMNIUM LOCORUM LABORIS!
LONG LIVE THE EMPEROR OF JOBS, GOLD, AND GLORIOUS ECONOMIC MATHEMATICS!
